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First, why are you so worried about people knowing? I purposely tell people so that they might understand my oddness is some situations. It works to my advantage, people understand I can't help it, and they try to help me!

SA doesn't make you a freak.. every single person out there that makes them different than every other person. Sure, there are people out there who don't have a clue about mental illness and, in fact, may be intimidated by it, but most of the time people are far more accepting than you'd ever think.

I can already anticipate the replies, so let me state unequivocally: If I am exposed, I will be treated as a joke. Even my grandparents, who are perhaps the only people who truly care about me, can't help smiling from time to time at my awkwardness (and this is after I've told them about my SA and they responded sympathetically). They all look at me like a child, and they smile and laugh at the things I say and do and don't do like they would a child. I mean, it's just a child, it doesn't have complex feelings and emotions, so why not? That's how they think, I know it. They're completely oblivious to how angry and frustrated it makes me feel, and all of the severe emotional damage that every single condescending smile does to me. They will laugh!
The thing that bothers me here is your view on how your grandparents 'might' (in your mind) view a child. I am a mother and I can tell you, your grandparents KNOW you have feelings and emotions. People nowadays are much more understanding of metal illness, but given they are your grandparents, I am guessing they just don't know what to do or say to help you. I bet they feel awkward just because they aren't sure what you need from them. Perhaps your SA is colouring your view of their 'looks' and they aren't thinking such things at all. You say "That's how they think, I know it" but do you? Really? No, you can't because none of us can ever really be sure how another person thinks or feels.

It's the same as that bit basically referring to yourself as a couch. How do you know people see you that way?? This is all your SA talking. This is your SA assuming the worst, when in fact, the worst is probably all in your head.

Now, I can't tell you how to deal with that exactly, because, well if I could, I wouldn't have SA at all, but at least you can sort of understand my point here.

Also, as for your Uncle, you can't expect him to be empathetic if he doesn't have SA. The fact that he did what he did was his way of doing all he could think of to help. Sounds to me like he was pretty accepting!! Sure, not the best advice, but ask anyone here is someone they told automatically knew exactly what to do and you will get a resounding "NO".

And please, don't even joke about killing yourself. There are ALWAYS upsides to every bottom of the barrel moment you have. So what if you need to wait them out. So what if you have to get help for them. But killing yourself ends any chance at being happy (and there is happiness out there for every one) and ruins other people's lives besides your own.
 

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I read this entire post. You could have done without the introduction, or, actually, everything that was in parenthesis. Those were auxiliary. That probably would have shortened the read considerably. The fact that you actually made an introductory paragraph, introducing how long the thing was, seemed kind of silly. Plus it made the task of actually reading it even more daunting.

Also the parts where you put forth things that you think us readers would say, and then answer yourself, seem grossly self-indulgent of you.


With that said, I will go forth with my own answer ;)

I think that the only one who will truly find the answer you are looking for is yourself. IS yourself. Is yourself.

I know what it feels like to feel like you have some kind of eminent doom upon you. The great thing about it, though, is that it forces you to change, to grow to preemptively attack this doom before it occurs. You need to think about your preemptive attack.

At this point all you can do is think. I know how crippling emotions are. They cause inaction, so you aren't going to get anything done. So without action, you are only left with thought. Maybe you can use the power of thought to change your attitude. Try and change negative thoughts into positive? Even when you believe in your hearts of hearts that the negative things that pop in your mind are true, just say positive things for the heck of it?

Like I said, there really aren't any answers I can give you that will be satisfying. You alone have the answer. Any answer we put forth you'll probably swat away as unworthy just like you did for the answers YOU YOURSELF put forth in the original post.

Let me ask you this though: what exactly are you scared off? Can you tell me in a short pithy sentence what you're afraid of? Are you afraid of them laughing at you? Is that your doom?

If you're afraid of their laughter, what's something positive that can make their laughter bounce back at them? Maybe you can get a new hobby that you can be super proud of so as to reinforce your sense of security about yourself when they begin laughing. Or do something else to raise your pride.
 

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I read this entire post. You could have done without the introduction, or, actually, everything that was in parenthesis. Those were auxiliary. That probably would have shortened the read considerably. The fact that you actually made an introductory paragraph, introducing how long the thing was, seemed kind of silly. Plus it made the task of actually reading it even more daunting.

Also the parts where you put forth things that you think us readers would say, and then answer yourself, seem grossly self-indulgent of you.
Um... that was very rude. Here someone is, trying to ask for our thoughts, and simply showing us how he thinks by replying as he thinks someone might answer him, and you post that?? The very nature of SA involves that very double edged way of thinking. I myself often think about what someone else might say back. So what if he posted that?

Do you really think telling someone you think this part or that part of their post was useless? Couldn't you see he was nervous and anxious over the whole thing? You have SA! You must be understanding of that, so how can you possibly judge someone like that??
 

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The way you tell your story sounds like you live In a small town with a population of 300. Dude the only thing you can do is not give a **** what anyone thinks, which is pretty much the cure for s/a. I don't know what to tell you man, it's just going to be temporary embarrassment, but do you really give a damn about what your folks think about you? If they tell other people then there's something wrong with that
 

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They're completely oblivious to how angry and frustrated it makes me feel, and all of the severe emotional damage that every single condescending smile does to me. They will laugh!
The above responses aside, I believe that everyone does face a difficult battle of acceptance at your age.

Well, that or kill myself. God, I hate myself.
But nope, such dilemmas are not worth killing yourself over. Believe me, I've gone through that. Not being understood by others is merely one motivation of mine to understand more of others' psychology.

Why do they prefer to give condescending smiles and see you as more of an object?

I believe you have a very strong-willed personally and definitely, your cognitive skills are something rarely seen in the likes of online forums. That's one hell of a personal story and I congratulate you for posting it out in the clear.

And using that I think it is possible you could observe for any "openings" you might have out of your social stigma. Do something different - make people recognize you as someone who does things differently yet achieves remarkable things. Don't be that couch in the corner, as you mentioned yourself - be that person who is different, yet does things in his own way because he feels that is right.

Don't be afraid to voice out your emotions and feelings if you find you have left alone. Remember, you're a human being just like others - being proactive and making others see you like you wish to be seen is something people like you and I have to do because you appear to be more complex than your average happy-go-lucky guy!

Make use of it!

Thanks for the literary criticism
Shhh, don't get pissed over it, you have to make a positive influence, remember.

I feel terrified, paranoid, and depressed, and all the time. I've hidden these feelings for a long time (and I've been in the habit of bottling up my feelings in general for an even longer time), and now I risk exposure. So, I make a post, which is kind of long, because well, I'm feeling bad, and I have a lot I'd like to get out. And then this ******* comes along...
Don't hide in the bathroom no longer, life goes on whatever happens. It's merely a stressful state of life you're going through because you do need attention at this stage and for a male, it can be hard to get a listening ear.

If like me you think that it's better to go on the offensive and make people listen, by all means, if it makes you feel better. I know it does. But then again moderation is key, don't need to worry over all the little details :)

has made many a joke at my expense.
We all know the feeling. And it's very noble and wise of you to seek anonymous aid from forums such as these. I didn't have that luxury.

Might you feel better from my humble 2 cents :3
 

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@ bloobla:

Thanks for the literary criticism, scumbag! Seriously, **** you! I had no intention of being belligerent, but since your post was so obviously filled with malice, I don't see how I can react any other way.

And don't try to lie about your motivations because I know exactly why you said everything that you said. Anything remotely helpful you said was an afterthought, and only said in the hopes that it might conceal your true motivation. You obviously found something about me that you dislike (which is understandable because I know that I'm a very contemptible person in many ways), and you wanted to hurt me.

What a ****ing *******! Because I'm long-winded, and committed the grievous sin of wasting less than 5 minutes of your time (which you wasted of your own accord), you felt you had license to criticize? And more importantly, to criticize, even though this person, given that they're on this site, might not respond so well to negative evaluation? Yeah, makes perfect sense. I'm sorry for wasting your time. Next time I make a post, I'll be sure to hire an editor for your benefit.

And before anyone suggests I'm overreacting, I think I've actually shown a great deal of restraint here considering his insensitive remarks. This is something I've been agonizing over for days (and when I say agonizing, I mean, like pacing around my room for hours, sulking in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes, agonizing). I feel terrified, paranoid, and depressed, and all the time. I've hidden these feelings for a long time (and I've been in the habit of bottling up my feelings in general for an even longer time), and now I risk exposure. So, I make a post, which is kind of long, because well, I'm feeling bad, and I have a lot I'd like to get out. And then this ******* comes along...

By the way, I greatly appreciate the responses of those of you who were actually trying to help rather than criticize. And I do intend to respond to your posts, but I need a little while to relax because this horrible person has put me in an even worse mood. I'm only sorry I wasted my time responding to his counterproductive post rather than yours.
TheCollector: My answer to you question wasn't an afterthought. I've felt the feelings of "it's only a matter of time". I've felt that. I thought(still think) I was/am empathizing with you. I've felt the idea of eminent doom pressing upon me. I'm also aware that you have very limited choices. Look: the only choices I found I had were to keep going at life like I've always had, still full of terror and still hoping that I'm not "exposed", kill myself, or change to preemptively counterattack this eminent doom. I pussied out of killing myself(and told no one I was having those kind of thoughts). So, I found that my terror of being exposed put me in such a desperate state that I did thing's I'd otherwise not do. I took tranformative(not a word?) action and tried to change a little. (Now this is an auxiliary thought:I'm not going to tell you what I did, but rather, you could probably piece it together if you read some of my prior posts.)

And concerning what I said about your introductory paragraph: I guess it was mean. I guess I came off as a jackass. Which I am. But aren't we all? Essentially, or otherwise, at some point in our lives. I bet someone could argue in the way of even calling the dali lama a jackass. That jackass. When I wrote it I guess I was in a devious mood. I was compelled to write it; I'd had probably had written it even if I knew that it would hurt you, or enrage you, tenfold what it actually did. I've grown cold like that. The fact is, I thought it was clever. I particularly liked the part where I said the phrase "grossly self-indulgent". I thought that got at the crux of a lot of things concerning you. Sorry.
 

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Pfft.

To the OP: This is one of those times you ignore the person. Clearly this is enjoyed and why bother with that sort of person. People who would intentionally hurt others in that way are not worth your time or worry. I understood perfectly why you had a hard time getting it all out of your head and just because some don't know how to behave doesn't mean you need to listen to them. I get like that sometimes too (and yes, I will say "I know what you are going to say" and answer things myself- so what?) but it is all my anxiety. I won't lie, for me that usually involves some ativan to stop my head spinning, but anyway, you aren't alone in that. Just try to remember, not everyone is like this other poster. The rest of us have some class. :)
 

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maybe you are a writer. you have an ability to capture the significance of your life events and describe them in detail, in a way that makes them come alive. you seem to be very observant and intuitive. i would you notice things other people don't.

why not channel some of your emotional energy and ability with words into creative writing? poetry, stories, song lyrics, essays.

or journalling. when i journal, it helps me know what i want to say to people, so that i'm prepared for what to say and what not to say. that way, i can express what i'm thinking and feeling without being embarrassed later on.

of course, drinking makes some of my inhibitions go away, but it's pretty common for people with SA to experience a great sense of relief when they feel uninhibited. your actions may have been a form of self-medicating...which is trying to "treat" SA with mood-altering substances. it's something many people slip into. i'm not recommending it as a life style...just saying, don't beat yourself up over one slip.

that being said, i wouldn't worry about what your family thinks about you. if they are supportive, they will understand! and if they are unsupportive, then eventually you will be able to put boundaries up and not let them hurt you. if you can't, then you might need counselling. there is nothing wrong with counselling. i would guess that most people on this site have had counselling at some point in their lives. i have.
 
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