[rusalka]

The last two posters, Prodigal Son and rb1088... Thank you gentlemen You two especially understood me.

Well...I'm feeling exposed now, so it's safe to end this thread. All it comes down to is I want to be by myself, single. If he waits for me, fine... if he doesn't, what can you do. Not sure if we could be just friends... the attraction to him is too great to simply relax and not try to be something more.
Anyway, I realized how much I need to be alone the other day, because I can't even flirt without it causing me some discomfort.

Thank you everyone!

 

[rusalka]

Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um

 

[Tony99]

Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um

If he likes you, then I wouldn't be proactive about it. Just don't hide it or avoid telling him either. One of those go with the flow things.

That's my opinion at least.

 

[Canadian Brotha]

If he likes you, then I wouldn't be proactive about it. Just don't hide it or avoid telling him either. One of those go with the flow things.

That's my opinion at least.

I agree, when it comes up be honest

 

[Prism]

I didn't read the responses to the thread so I don't know other people's thoughts, but I think you need to tell him you are in the middle of divorce. If I were him I personally would be pissed off if I felt you were being sneaky or not truthful with me. A divorce is a big deal. I may not be able to trust you if you're not open with something like that.

 

[Sunshine009]

It sounds like you are very hurt in your marriage and very vulnerable. You are capable of having strong fixations when your heart is broken. I would consider that you may have a few more crushes before the divorce is over. A broken heart puts you in a terrible place. I would find psychological help.

 

[iwannabecoolplzhelp]

End the relationship and get a divorce. If you're even thinking this stuff, then you know for sure the marriage is done and divorce is the only answer now. After you or he moves out, then I think dating whoever is fair game though.

 

[WineKitty]

Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um

Yes.

I support honesty. That may be unpopular but I stand by that.

 

[rusalka]

I didn't read the responses to the thread so I don't know other people's thoughts, but I think you need to tell him you are in the middle of divorce. If I were him I personally would be pissed off if I felt you were being sneaky or not truthful with me. A divorce is a big deal. I may not be able to trust you if you're not open with something like that.

...And scare him off forever? That's probably a sure way to do just that. The first few repliers agree that telling him I'm ending a serious relationship is better. Then if we ever actually date, I'll tell it all, when the time is right... I'll go with the flow.

 

[rusalka]

It sounds like you are very hurt in your marriage and very vulnerable. You are capable of having strong fixations when your heart is broken. I would consider that you may have a few more crushes before the divorce is over. A broken heart puts you in a terrible place. I would find psychological help.

So what you're saying is, it's absolutely wrong to feel/react this way... that it's so abnormal that I actually need to "get my head checked"?

 

[rusalka]

I think I will tell him today, when we meet to study.
I'm just afraid of his reaction... I hope it won't be a blow to him, he's very sensitive. How do I tell him, "umm, I know we share these fuzzy warm feelings and look forward to each other's presence, but I won't be available until about a year from now." without ruining his day?? Help
*edit*
Should I do it on a different day, so as not to ruin a day he is looking forward to? Or should I just say, "After we study, can we talk?" Or would it be better to let him know beforehand that I want to discuss something serious? I want to cause him as little disappointment as possible... *panicking*

 

[Atticus]

I do appreciate the conflict this causes you, and I didn't comment earlier because you seemed to be hearing what you wanted to hear (that not telling him was best). Don't you think, though, that you're hoping for something more than a fling with this guy, and you may be establishing a future relationship on false pretenses?

It could just be that the best thing to do is to tell him of your actual status, even if it does scare him away. I mean best for you, because if you let things continue to simmer and then in July or September tell him, it could hit him pretty hard that you witheld key information from him, whatever your motives.

 

[rusalka]

I do appreciate the conflict this causes you, and I didn't comment earlier because you seemed to be hearing what you wanted to hear (that not telling him was best). Don't you think, though, that you're hoping for something more than a fling with this guy, and you may be establishing a future relationship on false pretenses?

It could just be that the best thing to do is to tell him of your actual status, even if it does scare him away. I mean best for you, because if you let things continue to simmer and then in July or September tell him, it could hit him pretty hard that you witheld key information from him, whatever your motives.

I have thought of this too. Thank you Atticus for warning me. I almost agree except for the "key information" part... What do you mean by that phrase? The divorce? If you do mean that... I don't understand why I have to tell me future lovers I was divorced. Is it like quarantine contro or something? If I heal from it and don't have kids, why does it matter?

 

[rusalka]

I have thought of this too. Thank you Atticus for warning me. I almost agree except for the "key information" part... What do you mean by that phrase? The divorce? If you do mean that... I don't understand why I have to tell me future lovers I was divorced. Is it like quarantine contro or something? If I heal from it and don't have kids, why does it matter?

I mean of course, unless he asks me or has different expectations

 

[Atticus]

I don't mean the divorce. I see no real stigma regarding that. It's that you're married now. I'm not really sure where your relationship is with him, or if it's accurate to even call it a relationship at this point. However, you seem to be developing feelings for him while you're still married, and maybe more importantly, he may be developing feelings for you without knowing your status. He may not care, but he may just wonder why you didn't tell him sooner.

I'm really in no position, with my relationship history, to tell you or anyone what to do. I also don't mean to sound judgemental, because that's none of my business. I just think that keeping secrets, and this is a pretty big secret, often backfires.

I really do hope you come to a decision that works this out for you.

 

[path0gen]

I don't understand how the rest is "up to him". I mean you're the one in control of when and if you are going to be ready to see other people. You've acknowledged that you're interested in him and that the feeling is mutual. So what's confusing to me is why you would want him to just hang around and wait until you want to make things official. Yes, it seems unfair to him. And not explaining the details of your separation is even more unfair to him if you have any interest at all in seeing him exclusively.

Hey, you could always just be sex buddies.

 

[leomouse]

be completely honest, if the guy likes you he will wait for you and this won't scare him off. but don't get into another relationship too soon, first end it completely with your husband and maybe do some nice things for yourself.

 

[rusalka]

OH MY GOD

I told him everything, what you guys suggested. I was so nervous, I was sure he'd walk away. At first I didn't want to reveal anything, but thought about some of the advice here and realized this is the best way. I want to thank you guys for that.
We sat down and I told him my age, that I'm married but expecting a divorce and a period of being single. He was surprised but mature and understanding about it. He called my spouse a f******* idiot for me to be wanting to divorce him...which is not exactly true, but it kinda made me laugh. Basically he appreciates me telling him and wants to be around when I'm ready for a relationship. We then just sat and chatted.

WOW

 

[rusalka]

the dilemma now is, how do I be his friend without developing feelings while I'm married, for another man-is this even possible? Would his friendship be detrimental right now? Should I distance myself?

 

[scaredtolive]

I wouldn't mention the divorce. You're kind of in a tough spot cause he may not wait until the papers are filed and everything.