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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need advice to make sure what I'm about to do is fair to this young man I'm very interested in. Especially advice from guys, who could sort of, stand in his shoes.

So I'm married, but am in the process of emotional separation and eventually divorce. We don't have kids. After all is said and done, I know that I will have to go through a process of grieving and getting it all out of my system... so I want to abstain from relationships for a few months to a year.

In one of my classes I've become very attracted to and interested in a man a few years younger than me. I'm 100% positive he's interested in me too.

I know though, that I will have to put a stop to this shortly:

Most important part: If he asks me out, or lets me know he wants to really get to know me, I'm planning to tell him that I'm ending a difficult relationship and will need some time to heal, but would love to get to know him when I am ready. (the rest of course depends on him..........) I don't want to tell him that I'm getting divorced... if he would be interested enough to get with me after all this time, then I think telling him about my experience once we're together, is the safest path.

What I need to know is whether I would be making it unfair or very difficult to him? I don't want to cause him pain. Am I doing the right thing?
 

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Absolutely. Don't scare him off right away :)

It wouldn't be fair to either party, but if he likes you, he'll stick around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Absolutely. Don't scare him off right away :)

It wouldn't be fair to either party, but if he likes you, he'll stick around.
Sorry, what wouldn't be fair? - me telling him all that? :(

I think this is the best approach. No need to tell him that you're in the middle of a divorce, cause that might intimidate him now. But if he asks, I wouldn't lie about it.
I don't think you have to worry about telling a guy that you were married once the whole divorce is behind you.
Thanks for the much needed advice :)

Maybe I did a bad thing though... I read his public blog and realized how wonderful he is and that we'd make a great match... so I deliberately did everything possible to get him to become intrigued and attracted to me... subtle aggression, perhaps... this to also ensure he would most likely be there when I am ready to start seeing people. Is this bad?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It seems to me that you have a good plan, a truly interested guy is usually willing to be a little patient
...a little patient....eek....
I know I don't really have a right to ask him to kind of put romantic life on hold.... but still....eek! :afr

**needing to babble*****
I can barely sleep... he's always in the back of my mind... I thought this was just a one or two-week infatuation but it's a full-blown attraction...... I'm dying to touch him and get much closer.... Oh my god it is so true what they say about a woman's sex drive around 30.... :um ***blush****
Umm....
Which is why I'm probably gonna have to initiate that discussion! Cause I can't take it anymore... If it goes any further something will happen that is inappropriate at this moment in my life.... It would not be fair to either him, my spouse, or myself.
But if I tell him now, mid-semester, when we still have a couple of months of class to share.... maybe I should wait until the end of the semester? *head spinning*
Guess I must be a robot to have this kind of self-restraint? :((((( Oh well I don't care, it's just not right
*on verge of tears*
feel like I'm going crazy.... he is so beautiful inside and out and I savor the moment our eyes meet...it is such a warming feeling
At the same time I have to deal with initiating the real separation and divorce.... and to feel like a murderer doing it.... because my husband cannot see his life without me.... but I am so unhappy being with him as a person and I miss being unmarried..... **going crazy***
 

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Is your husband currently clueless to the fact that you want a divorce?
I can't really tell from reading whether it is a mutual thing or just you or how much he knows or what not.
 

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...a little patient....eek....
I know I don't really have a right to ask him to kind of put romantic life on hold.... but still....eek! :afr

**needing to babble*****
I can barely sleep... he's always in the back of my mind... I thought this was just a one or two-week infatuation but it's a full-blown attraction...... I'm dying to touch him and get much closer.... Oh my god it is so true what they say about a woman's sex drive around 30.... :um ***blush****
Umm....
Which is why I'm probably gonna have to initiate that discussion! Cause I can't take it anymore... If it goes any further something will happen that is inappropriate at this moment in my life.... It would not be fair to either him, my spouse, or myself.
But if I tell him now, mid-semester, when we still have a couple of months of class to share.... maybe I should wait until the end of the semester? *head spinning*
Guess I must be a robot to have this kind of self-restraint? :((((( Oh well I don't care, it's just not right
*on verge of tears*
feel like I'm going crazy.... he is so beautiful inside and out and I savor the moment our eyes meet...it is such a warming feeling
At the same time I have to deal with initiating the real separation and divorce.... and to feel like a murderer doing it.... because my husband cannot see his life without me.... but I am so unhappy being with him as a person and I miss being unmarried..... **going crazy***
The reason I say that is because you mentioned wanting a little break after your divorce, it's reasonable. You're in a transition process/phase, he'll know just as well that there's unnecessary drama if you disregard that. Perhaps the anticipation factor could be an advantage, mutual flirting over a extended period. It could make for a very passionate climax when you can unite without restriction. I think an honest discussion is in your favor to avoid excess drama
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Is your husband currently clueless to the fact that you want a divorce?
I can't really tell from reading whether it is a mutual thing or just you or how much he knows or what not.
no, he's not clueless... We've had discussions... But he doesn't want to let me go... I'm just dreading the day I have to tell him that if he really loves me, he has to let me go.. The day I have to tell him that it is beyond repair
 

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Sorry, what wouldn't be fair? - me telling him all that? :(
It simply wouldn't be fair to your husband or your potential interest to date until you are at least officially separated.

Your potential interest would be scared if you told him in straight honesty what really is going on.

But if you want him, you gonna have to start the divorce. It'll be hard, but obviously it has to be done. Your husband is living in a fantasy and if you want to end it, you just have to do it and stop holding on. Otherwise the longer it drags, the worse it'll be especially when you start dividing up assets. Would your husband agree to a no-fault divorce because those can be easily done.
 

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Wait until you are divorced if you plan on doing this. Any emotional drama would be harmful if you tried to pursue this relationship.
 

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That is a tough situation, especially considering your husband still has strong feelings for you and you're ready to move on with another man. Also, the fact that you're still married.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
The reason I say that is because you mentioned wanting a little break after your divorce, it's reasonable. You're in a transition process/phase, he'll know just as well that there's unnecessary drama if you disregard that. Perhaps the anticipation factor could be an advantage, mutual flirting over a extended period. It could make for a very passionate climax when you can unite without restriction. I think an honest discussion is in your favor to avoid excess drama
:D:D:D

It simply wouldn't be fair to your husband or your potential interest to date until you are at least officially separated.
Well yes, that's exactly what I was implying. I think it's best to wait until after the divorce, even... It just seems incredibly hard to try to be in a committed relationship when you've still got strings attached and are going through a tough emotional process. Very unfair to everyone involved!

Your potential interest would be scared if you told him in straight honesty what really is going on.

But if you want him, you gonna have to start the divorce. It'll be hard, but obviously it has to be done. Your husband is living in a fantasy and if you want to end it, you just have to do it and stop holding on. Otherwise the longer it drags, the worse it'll be especially when you start dividing up assets. Would your husband agree to a no-fault divorce because those can be easily done.
Bright thank you for the concern! and the advice :) I'm not worried about the legal side of the divorce... But I don't think I can proceed with this yet... I started my job and the probation period ends in two months. I want to wait at least until then, to make sure I will have a steady job.

Wait until you are divorced if you plan on doing this. Any emotional drama would be harmful if you tried to pursue this relationship.
Hi Millennium.... Sorry but I am not even thinking of doing any of what you stated... emotional drama and such.
If I plan on doing what?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
That is a tough situation, especially considering your husband still has strong feelings for you and you're ready to move on with another man. Also, the fact that you're still married.
Umm wait wait wait. Did you read the underlined part in my original message? I admitted that I'm not ready to "move on" with another man. That's exactly what I want to tell my object of interest. Why did you miss that?

And I'm a little hurt with the mention of my husband's feelings for me... I'm not denying it... But am I supposed to be stuck in a lonely, at times verbally and emotionally abusive, lacking physical passion, marriage... just because he has strong feelings for me? *upset*
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Also, the fact that you're still married.
And here... you're insinuating that I've no right to become attracted to someone else at this moment. To date someone else is another matter entirely, I agree. But merely to become attracted and use that energy as the catalyst for taking a step I've lacked the courage to take for so long - to move away from an unhealthy situation. :blank
 

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You mention that he is always in the back of you mind, you're clearly really into him, and desire to have a relationship with him in the future, correct?

If you're truly in an abusive relationship I would get that divorce and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. If the issue is you simply don't love your husband and are not happy, well you still have to do what is best for you and go for the divorce, right? I mean, I'm sure you have thought about it long and hard, do you feel *stuck*?

Is the underlining issue that you're still married and you do not want to be?

Good luck!
 

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cant you remain friends with the other guy? the ball is in the woman's court most of the time in terms of a relationship going to the next level or not (if the guy is interested in the girl), so just walk the line carefully between friend and more-than-friend.

Personally, im confused on what you want out of the guy (for lack of better wording). you dont want a relationship, but you like him enough to start a relationship if you werent in your current situation. at least thats how im understanding it

and if thats the case..then it's just bad timing. that happens. and i dont think anyone but you can decide how to handle that since both sides of the coin have downsides
 

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And here... you're insinuating that I've no right to become attracted to someone else at this moment. To date someone else is another matter entirely, I agree. But merely to become attracted and use that energy as the catalyst for taking a step I've lacked the courage to take for so long - moving away from an unhealthy situation. :blank
I think you're drawing those conclusions, and maybe didn't like the way I worded it because it triggered your own doubts or possible guilt about the situation. I mean, part of your topic is looking for validation it seems. All I am saying is it seems like a tough situation.

I remember a previous topic and I thought you were divorced. You want the divorce, CLEARLY, I'd focus on that.

Good luck.
 

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I think you have the right to feel anyway you want to feel. True you are still in a relationship and are by what I am reading getting a divorce, so there is really nothing to be worried about.

As the others have said. If the guy is really interested in you and likes you he will be able to wait. I know I would. The thing I worry about is that one day while you are still in the healing phase you will see this guy that you like with another women. I think that will be a huge blow, and you might think of what might have been.
 
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