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This is long, personal, and a little explicit (rated R, I would say).

Wow, I feel guilty just thinking about typing this post, but I'm going to write it because I'm hoping that you will have a helpful, healthier perspective on my situation.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this out, but here goes. I have been dating this really wonderful guy for about five years now (as of this Thursday). He's funny, he's smart, he's good looking. I'm really lucky to have him.

About two years ago he broke my heart. Absolutely tore it out of my chest. He told me that his ex was home from Iraq and that he still loved her and that he wanted to be her friend and "be there for her." I was so sad I wrote a country song. It's awful.

He promised me repeatedly that he still loved me too; he just loved both of us (can you see why this might not be comforting?)

I was very angry with him for a long time, but I wanted to stay together. So I did the dumb, oh-so-me thing which was to swallow how angry and hurt I was and become cuter, funnier, and generally less indispensable than ever (I know, disgusting, right?)

I was incredibly depressed. I stopped eating much and lost about 15 pounds. Meanwhile, he just didn't seem to notice how much I was hurting. In his mind, we had "made up" after we had sex the same day that he told me that he was in love with his ex-girlfriend. That was not make up sex. That was "just try and forget about this, buster" sex. (Yes, I am that twisted that I would express how upset I was that way.)

Okay. So. Things have gotten a lot better. We're living together now, and I've 95% forgiven him for completely breaking my heart. But because I was as completely honest with him as I should have been, I know that a part of me will always, always hold on to that hurt. A part of me will always, always think that I am second best.

It didn't help that a few months later he developed a very obvious crush on this girl named Beck. When he would talk about her, he would frequently say how "it's hard when you meet people at the wrong time, you know..." My SA mind of course interpreting this as, "Too bad I didn't meet her first..."

Now, here comes trouble...In May I got a new job. I love it. During the course of having this new job, I have met this guy who I have developed a huge, ridiculous school girl crush on, which I don't ever do. Now, this would not be a problem, except that I'm dating someone. Also this guy is in his late thirties, owns a company and is probably gay and dating model (I made up these last two, but who knows?)

Anyway, I just don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but at the moment this other guy showed up...I don't know, it was like this little "bing" went off in my head, and now I honestly think of him everyday. I don't obsess about people, ever. And that's why this is so confusing for me.

I am powerfully, ridiculously attracted to this random person, and I find that my relationship with my boy has receded into this nice comfy kind of friendship. I feel like the world flipped, and I'm sitting on the sky, looking at the tops of trees by myself and wondering, "****, now what, smarty pants?"

I have caught this other guy checking me out on a couple of occasions. This proves nothing other than a) he's probably straight and b) I probably aught to wear longer dresses/less revealing tops. I assiduously avoid talking around him at all times because of SA fears of making an *** out of myself. Which unfortunately affects my ability to work with him effectively...not so good on the job front.

I sit in meetings daring him to say something awful and racist/homophobic so I can stop liking him. I have a feeling this is not going to happen. I need a plan.

Okay, forum folks. What do I do? I am such a damn mess. I can't even stand it. Any perspective you might have on this silly mess would be appreciated.
 

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one thing is for certain, you two arent right for eachother. You dont have to have sex with someone to "cheat" on them. If your heart is somewhere else something is not right.
 

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I'm sorry, but I aint going to entertain with fluffy scenarios on what you should do.
Part ways with boyfriend and be with who your thoughts are with.
 

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I can't make any decisions for you, but if it were me, I'd like to think that I wouldn't stay with a boyfriend who treated me like I was dispensible. It's not really about the fact that there's potentially a new love interest for you. It's about the fact that you're unhappy in your current relationship.
 

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Your Assumptions
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Rather than viewing the crush as inappropriate, perhaps view it as an important indicator about your current relationship. Trying to bury feelings doesn't work for long because they will emerge in other ways further down the line.

This also applies to trying to find ways to resist the crush; if something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship and a solution is not found and you bury your feelings, the feelings will likely emerge sometime in future, whether in the form of another crush or something else.
 

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To me, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't appreciate you. I think you know what you should do. I wouldn't necessarily say you should rush headlong into anything with this other guy you're attracted to but you don't need a guy who thinks he can string you along while he tests other waters. Unless you're cool with that.
 

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Break up with the boyfriend, if your crush is still there, give it a shot. If not, you've resolved your issue, get back in the game.
 

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She-Wolf
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honestly i think small school girl crushes are normal whether you are in a relationship or not. it's whether it turns into something stronger along the lines of how you feel for your boyfriend when it becomes inapporpriate.

but it doesn't sound like you are happy with your boyfriend now, if you say you still don't feel forgiveness and that it is like a friendship. it doesn't seem worth it to go on with him and it seems like you need to be single
 

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honestly i think small school girl crushes are normal whether you are in a relationship or not. it's whether it turns into something stronger along the lines of how you feel for your boyfriend when it becomes inapporpriate.

but it doesn't sound like you are happy with your boyfriend now, if you say you still don't feel forgiveness and that it is like a friendship. it doesn't seem worth it to go on with him and it seems like you need to be single
Ditto to all of that.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanks, all this has been really helpful. I've been dealing with this by not dealing with it, by segmenting my love for my boy and my interest in this random guy into different parts of me. It's a completely MPD way of approaching things, and it's not sustainable.

I think that odd one out really hit the nail on the head. I think this whole silly situation has less to do with this other guy, who I'm sure is a great person, but I honestly know zero about, and more to do with my relationship with my current BF, who frankly I am always pulling my punches with (figuratively speaking.)

I don't know about you, but my SA makes it incredibly, incredibly hard for me to be straight with people when I'm angry, hurt or upset with them. But those things, when they're big, don't dissolve. They are the linty build up that can ruin an otherwise great thing. Time to talk straight and be honest about what I'm dealing with. Thanks, to all of you. I really appreciate your help!
 

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i was with someone for over 8 years...it got to a point where i knew we weren't meant to be together...but i stayed with him...i felt as though i couldn't find something better or that my SA would keep me from finding anyone at all. i took a long time to finally muster up the courage to finally break it off. Maybe i was afraid of change...i was also deeply anxious about the pain i would cause him...

today, things are much different...i'm with someone new and we are a great fit...i found that something "better" that i feared would never come. I too think you know what to do...

sending you good vibes and luck
 
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