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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I..think this is one of the main contributors to my SA....being an "Only" not saying however that kids who are by themselves aren't social..but for me..my cousins lived in other states..& countries..so it was mostly just me...& it's kinda hard when..all your peers have siblings..actually in my classes...i was mostly the only kid who had no siblings:no...i also think not having anyone else around as a little kid..kinda hurts your social skills a little bit....for me..it was worse..cus when i wanted to go out & play with other kids..i wasn't allowed till i'd finished all my homework:(....i mostly spent time indoors at 6-9 yrs old..i get homework & school is important...but i also believe it's an important lesson to have some social skills at an early age..especially if you don't have any siblings around....i think due to that..i came off awkward when talking to other kids..cus i didn't know certain things etc.....i now i have a cousin who came to stay with us..but this was very recent..& doesn't compare to the yrs of being alone...even with my cousin around..i still feel lonely:shock...does anyone else..have this issue with being an "Only" most of their lives..for me..it's also likely why my interests...are weird compared to some.
 

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I can relate to that because I grew up as an only child as well. I think it'd help to have siblings to talk to or hang out with to develop further social skills, especially as a kid... but a lot of it has to do with upbringing as well. Like you, I spent a lot of time doing school work after classes as a kid because my parents emphasized academics. Most of my play time in elementary was during recess and lunch breaks. I'd go over to the neighbour's every now and then but we stopped being friends after a while lol.

To be honest, even now I still place a lot of emphasis on school work. I'll spend lots of time reading, researching, working on projects. But I make sure I set aside time to hang out with friends too, whether it's going to the gym together, studying, going out to the city, just chilling out... so I think it helps to have a balance. I used to think about what my life would be like if I had a sibling, but I think what matters with SA is actively wanting to put yourself out of comfort zones and exploring what makes you nervous. Obviously it's intimidating at first, but it helps you learn and grow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I can relate to that because I grew up as an only child as well. I think it'd help to have siblings to talk to or hang out with to develop further social skills, especially as a kid... but a lot of it has to do with upbringing as well. Like you, I spent a lot of time doing school work after classes as a kid because my parents emphasized academics. Most of my play time in elementary was during recess and lunch breaks. I'd go over to the neighbour's every now and then but we stopped being friends after a while lol.

To be honest, even now I still place a lot of emphasis on school work. I'll spend lots of time reading, researching, working on projects. But I make sure I set aside time to hang out with friends too, whether it's going to the gym together, studying, going out to the city, just chilling out... so I think it helps to have a balance. I used to think about what my life would be like if I had a sibling, but I think what matters with SA is actively wanting to put yourself out of comfort zones and exploring what makes you nervous. Obviously it's intimidating at first, but it helps you learn and grow.
Good point:yes...though sometimes i wonder..gee if "i just played outside more" would i be a different person....ah well.:stu
 

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Putting the SAS in sass
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I'm also an only child, and my childhood was really similar. My mom was super focused on me doing well at school and pretty much completely neglected my social skills. I would spend the afternoons doing homework, then reading, watching TV, or playing by myself. It never even occurred to me to play with other kids - I thought most people played on their own outside of school. But my parents were divorced, and every time I went to visit my dad, it was the opposite.

He'd complain about my lack of friends, take me to the park, and try to introduce me to random kids. Sometimes we clicked, sometimes not. But these relationships never lasted more than a single afternoon at the park. I think it was a mix of having no one to hang out with at my mom's house, and having superficial and extremely temporary "friendships" at my dad's that made me disengage from the whole friend-making business for a while.

I think what made me able to make friends was 1) finding people similar to me, and 2) having consistent chances to interact with them and deepen our familiarity with each other. I went to a college prep high school full of nerds just like me, and I'm so thankful for the experience, because I would have been miserable at a normal high school. The good thing about high school is that it's easy to find yourself in the same class as at least one of your friends. This has become way harder in college, what with everyone having a different schedule and schedules changing so often, which actually caused me to grow apart from some people I used to love hanging out with. I regret not keeping in touch with them and making plans to hang out. I'd be happier today if I had.
 

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I have 3 sisters, and I still have SA. They all have anxiety issues as well, but I am the ''luckiest'' of us all. So your theory that being an only child is a cause for anxiety doesn't hold ground. Besides, even if I have so many family members that doesn't mean I am not feeling very lonely.

Everyone would like to have someone for their own. Someone with whom they would make a new family and have a meaningful life. Living forever in your original family isn't something one would be daydreaming about.
 

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I can relate as I am an only child. My parents put so much pressure on me to succeed and after school I would do homework and research. I do hate having so much pressure to do well. I wished I had more time to go out w/ friends but due to location and some early bullying I just closed myself off.

Now I wish I did have siblings so at least I can have someone to confide in or visit.
 

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Well I'm not exactly an only child, I have a half-sister, but my childhood was very similar to yours. My parents only let me play only if I was done with my homework, and when I was done with it, I could only play on my own and inside the house because we lived in a very remote area and the rest of the kids thought of me as a spoilt child because I called them often to play and I had no brothers or sisters compared to them. My half-sister never lived with us and I got to see her only 3-4 times a year, and she's also 13 years older than me lol. I wish I had cousins my age to share my time with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have 3 sisters, and I still have SA. They all have anxiety issues as well, but I am the ''luckiest'' of us all. So your theory that being an only child is a cause for anxiety doesn't hold ground. Besides, even if I have so many family members that doesn't mean I am not feeling very lonely.

Everyone would like to have someone for their own. Someone with whom they would make a new family and have a meaningful life. Living forever in your original family isn't something one would be daydreaming about.
I'm not sure u read my post right, in the beginning...I said "at least for me"..I also mentioned that not all "only's" go through that, & also..My situation was different. .My cousins & other family lived in other states; plus..not to mention...& maybe I should have mentioned this:yes..I was sheltered. .quite a bit..not being able to run outside whenever..or being hovered over..but I will correct that..i made an error..if I generalized a bit I'm sorry..sometimes u forget that everyone's SA effects them or family differently..& yes it's genetic even..but what I don't get is..what u meant by "your the luckiest of them all" ...that your not as shy as ur sisters?
 

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Barbells and kittens
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I had a half-sister who died and I have three half-brothers, but I was raised an only child pretty much my whole life. My sister and two of the brothers were much older and I was never around them and the other brother is younger and I lived with my dad right after he was born, so I was never around him either. I did grow up around a lot of cousins though and I had plenty of interaction as a kid. I think it was a combination of other factors that lead to my SA because it started later in life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I had a half-sister who dieor and I have three half-brothers, but I was raised an only child pretty much my whole life. My sister and two of the brothers were much older and I was never around them and the other brother is younger and I lived with my dad right after he was born, so I was never around him either. I did grow up around a lot of cousins though and I had plenty of interaction as a kid. I think it was a combination of other factors that lead to my SA because it started later in life.
Wow:yes that's an interesting look at it, if I may..what made you shy later?
 

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Barbells and kittens
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Wow:yes that's an interesting look at it, if I may..what made you shy later?
It's something I've only recently started trying to figure out. I had a best friend growing up (he was killed in a car wreck in 2003) and I had the cousins to interact with. I had a really hard time in grade school though. My parents had an ugly divorce when I was about 6. I was also small for my age and was always the smartest kid in my class, so I was picked on severely because of those things.

My family also had unbelievably high expectations of me because of my grades. I moved to the next town over before high school. I finally grew a little and ditched my thick glasses for contacts and actually got on well in high school. I had a girlfriend and plenty of friends, but started having a little anxiety. I ended up just dropping out of school because my girlfriend did.

I'd experimented a little with drugs in high school, but right after high school I started having full-blown panic attacks. I started out just trying to self-medicate the anxiety, but it turned into a lot more than that. I pretty much did that for about ten years.

I was mostly numb to the anxiety all those years and I knew other people that were social, so that made up for my lack of it to some degree. I had a few serious relationships over the years, but with my best friend being killed and my drug use pushing away anyone I was close to I just became more isolated as time went by. I think the shame of wasting my life and not living up to expectations has increased my anxiety as well.

I'm sober now, but I never really learned to cope with the anxiety very well. Also, my two closest family members are now dead, too. My grandma in 2010 and my dad a little over two weeks ago. I don't really have a lot of trouble getting along well with others and people seem to like me pretty well, but I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I stay away from other people and even the ones I do interact with feel like strangers to me.

I really think it's a combination of all those things and also some predisposition I must have already had to anxiety and mental illness. It's just a summery of it obviously and I don't even know how close I am to the truth of the matter. I never talk about it with anyone, but I do spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. I'm in a position where I really need to get things together before long. It's way off topic for your thread, but there you go.
 

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I'm also an only child, even though i have 3 half-sisters and 4 half-brothers - and i don't even know much most of them.

It's really quite complicated. I couldn't go to a kindergarten when i was young because i had a really weak immune system and i was ill very often.

But i was very outgoing and extroverted when i was a young kid (3-6 years old.) my mom often took me to her work, and i remember that i was always the centre of attention - and i loved it. I sometimes even got a bit annoying to others - i was so lively.

But after that - i have no ****ing idea what happened. SA kicked in, and it was very severe. Now it's in a mild form, but still very bothering, and i'm trying to figure out how to get my "old me" back again. I do think that having a few real brothers or sisters would've helped.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'm also an only child, even though i have 3 half-sisters and 4 half-brothers - and i don't even know much most of them.

It's really quite complicated. I couldn't go to a kindergarten when i was young because i had a really weak immune system and i was ill very often.

But i was very outgoing and extroverted when i was a young kid (3-6 years old.) my mom often took me to her work, and i remember that i was always the centre of attention - and i loved it. I sometimes even got a bit annoying to others - i was so lively.

But after that - i have no ****ing idea what happened. SA kicked in, and it was very severe. Now it's in a mild form, but still very bothering, and i'm trying to figure out how to get my "old me" back again. I do think that having a few real brothers or sisters would've helped.
Wow:yes...i also was somewhat extroverted at 6-9 yrs old..& like u..i liked the centre of attention...i think that also annoyed my peers as a kid..cus i was a bit loud..but yet..i was shy..(not SA shy at the time:no) but just shy..then i think feeling a bit isolated from feeling left out from my peers made my shyness form into the big boogeyman that is SA..it actually did more worse for me than good:(...if anything as a kid i was..well i see ur from the U.K..but in the U.S we have something called "Patrols" in the elementary schools..that help walk kids across the street..& they wear badges (nice & shiny:yes) let's also just say they were kinda bossy..though i'll admit..i kinda annoyed people to some degree..but reason for that..is u start to feel isolated from peers..then that forms into being "defensive"..which can sometimes lead to re-verse bullying..which i sadly:rain participated in...if anything..makes people hate you more..&........ that leads to becoming a full-time member of this site.
 

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but what I don't get is..what u meant by "your the luckiest of them all" ...that your not as shy as ur sisters?
I was just being ironic. I used those brackets because I wanted to express the opposite. I have the worst case of anxiety in my family. My sisters have performance anxiety only. Two or all 3 of them can not really understand my social anxiety.
 

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I'm an only child. I wouldn't say it caused my situation, but it definitely didn't help. I spent a lot of time on my own as a child. I've wondered what it would be like to have had at least one brother or sister. It would be nice to have one more person to lean on when I'm struggling. It would also be nice to have a close emotional bond with someone around my age. You can get that with friends, but it's not really the same.
 

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Wow:yes...i also was somewhat extroverted at 6-9 yrs old..& like u..i liked the centre of attention...i think that also annoyed my peers as a kid..cus i was a bit loud..but yet..i was shy..(not SA shy at the time:no) but just shy..then i think feeling a bit isolated from feeling left out from my peers made my shyness form into the big boogeyman that is SA..it actually did more worse for me than good:(...if anything as a kid i was..well i see ur from the U.K..but in the U.S we have something called "Patrols" in the elementary schools..that help walk kids across the street..& they wear badges (nice & shiny:yes) let's also just say they were kinda bossy..though i'll admit..i kinda annoyed people to some degree..but reason for that..is u start to feel isolated from peers..then that forms into being "defensive"..which can sometimes lead to re-verse bullying..which i sadly:rain participated in...if anything..makes people hate you more..&........ that leads to becoming a full-time member of this site.
I'm actually from Estonia, i have no idea why everyone automatically thinks i'm from the UK xD

And i think i just found the root of my SA - or the point, where my normal shyness evolved into SA. when i was 7 and went to primary school, i got into a class where pretty much all of the other kids came from the same kindergarten. They didn't accept me. I was bullied on the first schoolday - i still remember it crystal clearly - dragged along the hallway and down the stairs by two kids, while the others were kicking and punching me. They were only stopped by our naiive teacher - who of course thought we were "just playing." Of course i, already shy at that point, probably got traumatized by that event (and the years of bullying that followed), and so i got a bunch of complexes and my SA started.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'm actually from Estonia, i have no idea why everyone automatically thinks i'm from the UK xD

And i think i just found the root of my SA - or the point, where my normal shyness evolved into SA. when i was 7 and went to primary school, i got into a class where pretty much all of the other kids came from the same kindergarten. They didn't accept me. I was bullied on the first schoolday - i still remember it crystal clearly - dragged along the hallway and down the stairs by two kids, while the others were kicking and punching me. They were only stopped by our naiive teacher - who of course thought we were "just playing." Of course i, already shy at that point, probably got traumatized by that event (and the years of bullying that followed), and so i got a bunch of complexes and my SA started.
Oh my word:shock:no...so sorry..& sorry for thinking u were British:doh:lol....i mean...i really..shouldn't complain...i'm lucky i wasn't beaten..or physically assaulted violently...even though in high school..it got very close to that..these were girls..that were attacking me.....actually one girl in middle school hit me..& my glasses flew off..she called me a name....well....not a name..but..she kept repeating..the same question asking me inappropriate questions..& i called her a b%#*ch...to this day..the new me..is like.."if anyone touches..me i will show them no mercy":twisted....but other than that i'm peaceful..but still have SA..ugh.
 

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I am on my mother's side. I never met my half siblings but for the first several years I grew up as an only child. Then I got a taste of sibling life when my mom and I shacked up with her boyfriend and his daughter. Who turned out to be an evil, miserable ***** who hated me and the feeing was mutual. That's when the depression started for me. She'd hit me sometimes and of course I'd hit back. Then our parents split and I suddenly got 2 younger stepbrothers. I quickly grew to hate them. My stepdad didn't even really like them much either considering what a dick he was in general to them.

As for SA, I wouldn't say it caused it though there were times when I felt lonely. But I imagine it wouldn't have been any different, especially if we couldn't get along and if we were on totally different rhythms.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I am on my mother's side. I never met my half siblings but for the first several years I grew up as an only child. Then I got a taste of sibling life when my mom and I shacked up with her boyfriend and his daughter. Who turned out to be an evil, miserable ***** who hated me and the feeing was mutual. That's when the depression started for me. She'd hit me sometimes and of course I'd hit back. Then our parents split and I suddenly got 2 younger stepbrothers. I quickly grew to hate them. My stepdad didn't even really like them much either considering what a dick he was in general to them.

As for SA, I wouldn't say it caused it though there were times when I felt lonely. But I imagine it wouldn't have been any different, especially if we couldn't get along and if they were on totally different rhythms.
Wow:shock u make step siblings sound like the ones in Disney Films:lol..i'm just lucky that my cousin who's with us..for now is super nice...she even reminds of a Disney Princess & sings like one too:)
 
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