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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The question was: Should I care about what people think of me?

And the answer was this one: Thinking too much of what others think of you ultimately changes what you think of yourself!

However, the "don't care what other people think" is a bad advice because we care about the relations we have with those around us. Everyone cares what other people think, we care what other people think because we care about the relations with those around us, we have different behaviours with different people, we want to be seen in a different light by different people, usually good light but again different light, we have different behaviours with different people because we allow different things with different people. You are not weak or a loser if you are a good person. There are all kinds of people, some will try to take advantage of you, others won't. We are not the center of the universe, we are not the smartest people in the world and there are good people who want what's good for us. Not everyone is selfish and completely self-interested. Seek the truth, not beautiful lies.

We all want to be liked, but obsessively trying to be liked by everyone will only backfire. Some of us are more sensitive to the opinion of others, but we have to learn to not care what others think because the excessive worrying can have a negative effect on our lives. So, don't let it prevent you from living your life to the fullest potential. That's not to say we should never care but generally we shouldn't care.

You can be liked for being a good person. In fact, that way you will be liked by good people. Good people like good people regardless of money or social status. Being a people pleaser won't ensure you will always be liked, in fact obsessively trying to be liked by everyone will only backfire, sure, try\learn to be charismatic if you want to be liked, but don't be a people pleaser, the difference between a people pleaser and simply a good person is that a simply good person means you don't care about other's well-being at the cost of your own well-being. You care about making others feel good, but you also feel good in the process, if you don't feel good you don't do it.
https://medium.com/@sjmoore3/you-need-to-stop-your-obsession-with-being-liked-9f64c1986bbb
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...201702/how-wanting-be-liked-gets-you-rejected

#1 It is none of their business as it's not their life, it is your life.
We can't stop what people think. People are entitled to think whatever they want, just as you are entitled to think what you want. People's thinking can't change your thinking and you, unless you allow them to. It is your life and you are the only person who needs to approve of your own choices.

#2 What's best for others may be completely worst for you
You should know that other's opinion often based on their own activities and thinking. So, what is best for other, can be the worst thing for you. You never know your treasure may be garbage for others and vice-versa. Because we are unique in some or other way. Therefore, only you know what is right or wrong for you.

#3 People's thoughts often change
We are constantly changing. Similarly, our thoughts too changes with the time. We can't stick with one thought every time as we need to adjust ourselves as per time and prevailing conditions. People's thoughts, ideas and views change on a regular basis. It means even if someone dislikes you at the moment, then, next time there is a good chance he will like you in the near future. So, people's thoughts don't really matter.

#4 Life is too short
Everyone has one life to live and everyone is not so lucky to have a chance to live a second inning life. So, why would you spend it worrying about other people's opinions? Live in the moment and live on your terms and conditions instead of living as per others' T&C. Do whatever you want, be whoever you want. You're not going to meet these people after you're dead or they're dead. Probably, you won't even see them in a year from now. So, life your life without bothering about other people's thoughts about you. Enjoy and live your life to the fullest.

#5 You can't please everyone
You should understand and accept the fact - you can't please all of the people all of the time. You can't live up to everyone's expectations. So, there is no point in burning yourself out trying to do so. So, instead of pleasing others, start pleasing yourself first and then you may think to please others. Obsessively trying to be liked by everyone will only backfire.

#6 You don't have to be perfect to be liked
You don't have to be the way other people would like you to be, to be liked. You don't have to be perfect to be ready for love. You don't have to be "good enough". Literally no one is perfect. People can accept imperfect people. People can have an argument, be mad and then make up. Obviosuly both think they are in the right, but eventually they get over it. People can cope with contradictions and disagreements. People who demand perfection obviously aren't perfect themselves and have unrealistic standards that they don't apply to themselves, don't listen to them. People who think you should be perfect aren't your people.

Conclusion
If you keep worrying about other's thoughts, then it will become an unbearable burden for you. It can influence the way you live and think as your entire being influenced and controlled by other's thoughts and expectations. In an effort to be perfect and ideal for others, you forgot to be realistic and unique in your own way.

So, it is better to stop giving a second- thought about other's thoughts. Once you understand how to let go, you will see the world as entirely different. Then, you will see it your own eyes and not from others. Stop worrying about others' thoughts and you will find out who you are and what are your own thoughts.

What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.
 

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Makes perfect sense. If only my brain would follow up and accept this...
 
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All good points.



For me, it's not so much what certain people think of me (on a day to day basis i don't sit there after every interaction worrying that so and so in the Marketing dept thinks i am weird because i made a bad joke).



the accumulated experience of so much rejection takes its toll. If you are repeatedly burned, it's only human to avoid touching the stove, isn't it?


And in a way, it's the belief that i do have stuff to offer that nobody has seen in 32 years that stings the most :serious:
 

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All good points.

For me, it's not so much what certain people think of me (on a day to day basis i don't sit there after every interaction worrying that so and so in the Marketing dept thinks i am weird because i made a bad joke).

the accumulated experience of so much rejection takes its toll. If you are repeatedly burned, it's only human to avoid touching the stove, isn't it?

And in a way, it's the belief that i do have stuff to offer that nobody has seen in 32 years that stings the most :serious:
Very well put. In my case, I didn't have many bad experiences outside of home. Nearly all of them happened between 0-20 years. But the results are the same I guess. Irrational fear of being mocked which makes me avoid exposure
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Makes perfect sense. If only my brain would follow up and accept this...
I think you should have a quote "generally appropiate behaviour" meaning a good behavior in society. To be respectful, to be nice to strangers, to be polite. Being polite and nice to people can give you plenty of advantages, we like people that treat us well.

There's an untold social law, it's called: "I'm nice to you, you're nice to me, you're not nice to me, I'm not nice to you". Start off by being authentic and nice to people, if the other person is nice to you back keep being nice, if the other person isn't nice to you stop being nice to her.

It is none of their business as it's not their life, it is your life. -> This means that your life choices are ultimately your own. Other people's thoughts will control your life choices only if you allow them to. Think about what YOU want. What job you want, what car you want, what appartment you want, what clothes you want, whats' YOUR plan for life.

What's best for others may be completely worst for you. -> This means to not take other people's advices or judgments for granted. It's a good thing to get advice from everyone, but only listen to the advice YOU believe it's right. Same with criticism, judgments are bad, but some judgment is stupid and off the mark, while some judgments are accurate and you can use them as constructive criticism, only listen to the criticism YOU believe it's right.

A good way to figure out is to look at the character of the person saying it, if a person of flaw character brings you accusations they don't worth much, if a generally nice person brings you accusation you should listen to them.

People's thoughts often change -> This simply means that people's thoughts change in time, including your own thoughts.

Life is too short -> This means that you'll want to live for yourself not for other people. When you are happy you're the ones who feels it. You won't be hated because you will start to please yourself, at least not by the people that matter, you don't have to be the way other people would like you to be, to be liked.

You can't please everyone -> This means that regardless of your best efforts some people are impossible to please. As such you should give up and stop pleasing them, you don't have to be how they would like you to be. And usually the people most difficult to please are the ones least worth pleasing.

You don't have to be perfect to be liked -> This means that in our attempt for perfection we can miss out the most important things in life. You don't need to be perfect to begin, to help, to be excellent, to appreciate yourself, to love and be loved, to be worhty of taking a break, to be succesful, to have a good life or to be spiritual. It's okay to have flaws, we all have, and we tolerate each other's flaws, because we are humans.

In order to get rid of social anxiety you need to do the thing you are afraid to do in spite of the fear, you have to face fear and act against it. That's the secret of getting rid of any phobia. Doing the thing you are afraid to do in spite of the fear. You can have courage to try because you don't need to get everything right. When you do that thing you are afraid to do in spite of the fear, regardless of the ressult the fear diminishes because you did it. If you do it over and over again eventually the fear will dissapear. You can apply this to the fear of talking to people, the fear of being judged, the fear of not being liked and so on.

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ask-tony/how-do-i-treat-anxiety/
"Remember, everyone deals with fear differently. It's how you train yourself to handle anxiety that makes all the difference."
"You can be fearful and do it anyway, I don't have to get rid of the fear, I have to dance with it."
"It's not that successful people are never afraid; it's that they are more afraid of not living a full, rich life than they are of whatever else might be holding them back."
"Be more scared of settling for less, be afraid of living a life that's far below what you deserve or desire. It can be difficult, but challenge yourself to push past the fears holding you back and embolden yourself to be more afraid of not achieving your goals. When you realize that your fears, be they rooted in logic or imagined, are less scary than not hitting your objective, you'll be driven to act."
Remember, you don't have to feel good to be productive.
When you train your brain to accept that you're afraid but move forward anyway, it doesn't matter if you're fearful - you have a freedom that most people don't have.
If you expect to never feel anxious or fearful again, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Everyone feels fear or anxiety to some degree. You can't change the fact that stressful moments in life happen, but you can decide to move past them and control your emotions.
The 90-second rule is one of Tony Robbins' natural remedies for anxiety. Accept that you feel fearful in the moment and look at a timer or clock; you have 90 seconds to feel terrible. You are allowed to give yourself 90 seconds to feel self-pity or fear or anger or worry or whatever feelings surface. Once those 90 seconds are up though, it's time to move on for good. After the 90 seconds have passed, you need to accept that those feelings are in the past and you're working on moving toward your goal, regardless of your emotions.
Recognize that although anxiety may be part of your story, you have the control and drive you need to succeed anyway.

Also, try seeing yourself from an outside perspective, from a 3rd person perspective, like you are seeing yourself from an outside slightly topper view towards yourself, it's called observing ego. Then you may realise you're not so weird or different from other people, you're just as normal as other people, and your anxiety in spite of you feeling it strongly simply manifests itself as you not talking.

I hope this can allow you to become a more objective observationist of yourself. Not only on trivial things (it's late night and you're not sleeping, use observing ego, figure out you should sleep) but also on social and anxiety-related things (you think other people won't like you, you switch to an outside slightly topper view towards yourself and you realise you're just like other people, you see no reason for most other people not to talk to you anymore)

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-observing-self-a-tool_b_6199126
"Observing ego or observing self can create an awareness of self and a sense of place in the world."
"Without the observing ego, we experience ourselves as "acted upon," or lacking control, and in the extreme, as a victim, similar to a caged animal."
"Mr. O. suffered severe abuse as a child. During his years of psychotherapy, he was able to develop a keen observing self/ego that alleviated his paranoia, freeing him from his psychological cage to grant him a wide panorama of his world of relationships."
"It is the observing ego/self that grants us a sense of 'agency' with the capacity to change ourselves and our world."
https://annveilleux.com/2009/07/21/the-observing-ego-and-request-for-feedback/
the accumulated experience of so much rejection takes its toll. If you are repeatedly burned, it's only human to avoid touching the stove, isn't it?
You never got a burning mouth after eating food that's too hot? does that mean you'll never eat food again? the lesson is that it's worth trying even if you get hurt, you don't have to be perfect, you can be imperfect, you can find someone who will like you with all your flaws.

I know people that got burned badly by friends and by dates, does that mean they'll never talk to people again? no, because they realise that not all people are the same. They don't generalize that all people are exactly the same, they seek other people, and find other people.
 

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Caring what others think... I just try to ignore that most of times...
 

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On the off chance that you continue to stress over other's musings, it will end up being an intolerable weight for you. It can impact the way you live and think as your general existence affected and constrained by other's musings and assumptions. With an end goal to be great and ideal for other people, you neglected to be practical and novel in your own particular manner. management coaching
 
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