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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just that really. I used to deal with my social anxiety by doing tonnes of coke, drinking, and loads of girls. I'd always take viagra out with me or have it at home cause I'd like getting as high as possible before sex. Coke and booze made me be able to be social. Then I quit everything.

Now I'm on Remeron, Vyvanse, Percocet, and Clonazepam. My life is basically now a dead zone, but I have no anxieties, that's because I'm like a zombie. I was always super super horny, couldn't get enough of sex and girls company. Now there's nothing. I have zero interest. Zero libido. Don't even bother hitting it myself anymore. So....really.....wtf??? I mean my life is so incredibly dull and boring now......but I don't have social anxieties. If I quit all of this stuff, my life would be exciting again, I'd have a libido, maybe a girlfriend, would be out at a bar now.....but I'd be sketchy, abusing recreational drugs, drinking, smoking ciggies, and being fake.

So. My question is : who is the real me?? Who do I want to be?? I hate this life now. I hate feeling nothing. But my Doctor always says I've come so far, that I was a bag of shredded nerves before, a massive hypochondriac. I was. But I was alive. But I was miserable then as well. It's like the Devil and the deep blue sea. So I'm all peaceful and stuff now but I'm basically dead. I don't see friends. I don't date. I live in a different country than my family. I just sit in this apartment staring at the walls. I only leave to go to the gym three hours a day. I just started on the Vyvanse. I was impotent already from the other stuff, now this one has made my dick like a stub. I actually see the humour in it. From former player to impotent stub dick.

I don't know. I don't even know why or what I'm really writing here. I'm not crazy or depressed enough to check into a Psych Ward or jump off a building. I just sit here. Day after day after day. But I was once this really great person who had passion, so many things to say, dreams, hopes....alll that ****. Now I'm a stub dicked zombie. What the hell has happened to my life??? How has it become THIS??? Do I have a choice??? I feel pathetic and worthless tbh. Ashamed and humiliated at what I've become. I can't go back to that idiot coke-head. But......I feel stuck.
 

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Wow. You sound just like me. You're not alone. I'm struggling with the same realization. Although, I still drink a lot even with the meds I'm on. People wonder why I'm so different from my old self and there's no way I can explain it to them. Ashamed and humiliated I am. I feel like a joke. There sure is no way I want to go back to feeling the way I did. Now I just exist and hope for my eventual departure. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but do wish it on my abusers. Unfortunately there's no easy answers. :blank
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hey Nilrem.

Thanks for the reply. Nice to know I'm not the only one!! I think joining this forum and reading other posts has helped me, I only joined yesterday. It's not only that I realise I'm part of a massive group, I realise that I'm not as bad as a lot of other people I've seen on here. I think it's given me a bit of a kick up the ***!! For starters I'm quitting the Vyvanse. I didn't like it, gave it a month, I felt like I was back on coke again most of the time. I'm also going to try and cut back on all the other stuff my Docs been giving me - minus the Remeron. I was in a bad accident hence the Percs, but I don't need to take them regularly. And I gotta gotta cut back on the Clonnazzies. They really work amazingly for anxiety, but I'm taking them every day, I'm going to start really really slowly tapering down. And I'm going to try and force myself out of the apartment. It's just that my entire purpose for living previously was getting laid - very shallow - but lots of fun. I think I've set up pre-conditions in my mind that things suck now, and of course what you think becomes what you are. I'm gonna try buddy. I thank you again for your reply. It IS weird. All this stuff. But we're still here fighting, just by not laying on the ground in the foetal position, so we're stronger than we think we are.

Good luck to you my friend.
 

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Thx thatwasin. We need all the luck we can get. Good luck to you as well.

If it wasn't for the meds, I couldn't function. Thankfully I can show up at family events and hold down a stressful job, but I still feel like a shell of a person. I think I could've done much better in the 1800's than now. Today we're all required to mingle in ways we never had before and various media is in our faces every day. Humanity creates a stench that we have to endure day in and day out. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for drugs. LOL :D
 
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