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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I'm new to this forum or any forum for that matter.
I'm 22 female.

I know it says anxiety, but I also have Bipolar I. I was googling some issues I have and it led me to this site. I never truly expressed it to anyone because I was scared, ashamed, embarrassed. I don't even know where to start. I want to get onto a path that will feel good in the long run, not just for a few moments.

I'm abuse substances, only because initially, I figured, if I didn't like my reality, why not alter it. Now, I find that the drugs just made my situation worse. I'm not addicted to any drug in particular, but crave the high, especially at its peak, even better if I'm with someone, even though I know they just wanna have sex.

Sex is another thing, I have had sex with so many different guys. Guys that were kinda bad but got worse as I got older. I keep choosing loser guys, habitual drug users, no respect for the law kind of guys. I know they are bad news for me, but I don't think any other guy would want to be with a girl like me. Eventually, it was no longer relationships, but hook ups. For a moment, I just wanted to be wanted.

I hate myself for that. For being so weak. I have friends, but no one I ever truly confided in. When I try or start to, I feel stupid and change the subject.

I smoke pot a lot, but I don't necessarily want to, but if I don't I'll feel irritated and miserable, like if I don't have it then my day will be even more depressing.

I was working, but got involved with a guy from my job and wound up losing my job because, he wasn't good news. Yes, I knew it, but a part of me thought maybe he really did like me. -sigh-
All I did was support his habit and partake in it occasionally. He used the crap out of me and when I really needed someone, and thought he'd be there, I fooled the crap out of myself.

On top of that, I was recently in a car accident last month. I was air lifted and on life support. I was not in the vehicle when I was hit, the driver let me out the car while I was in an altered mental state, due to him and his friends. I didn't know any of this, the dr told me I was drugged and it was due to that and I was unconscious that I may never know what happened that night. I really almost died, and I wasn't that dad about it.

I've been suicidal for years and horribly depressed. A few days later, I started trying to force myself to feel better and lucky. Whenever I talk to anyone about it I go on and on about how I'm lucky, because...that's why we're supposed to feel right? Inside though, I feel disappointed, I never admitted any of this to anyone really. I don't even know what I hope to accomplish, I guess I feel I'm entitled to happiness and routine too.

I never had good coping skills and whenever things hit the fan I would get horribly stuck in myself. I have a constant negative track in my mind and it wont shut off! I'm on buspirone now, and have been keeping up with my meds for a month now. It's just...well....how do I connect to people? Like without feeling conflicted? How can I ever be in a relationship where I feel appreciated? I feel so lonely and confused, I'm 22 these are supposed to me the time of my life years, right?
 

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I am really sorry that you have been through all of this. You are so young, and have your whole life ahead of you! Do you have a supportive family that is there for you? Are you being treated for your bipolar disorder?

It's easy when you are young to get into the wrong lifestyle because it feels good and takes your mind off reality. I have been there!

I think you need a strong support system and to be treated for your bipolar/depression. Is this possible for you?

Your accident has been traumatic and made your anxiety and depression worse I'm sure.

I just want to give you ((hugs)). Keep your chin up, it will be okay!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you very much for responding
Reading your response has brought tears to my eyes.
Honestly, I didnt think anyone would reply.
Unfourtunatly, I don't have supportaive family members, and I've actually been home the past month. They don't understand it; my sisters can't understand they're younger than me, but my mom being a nurse dosen't try to explain it to them. I feel embarassed and like an outsider to them. I want to leave here, like how I want to leave any place where I don't feel wanted. I've not really lived at home since I was 15. I don't leave now because I don't have anywhere else to go that doen't consist of a guy who trades room and board for sex. I figure also, if I am going to get better, it should be at home, at least I think.
 

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I agree you need to stay home and get better. You are worth more than being used by random men! You can have a bright future, a career, your own family- whatever you want out of life. I was in several codependent and even abuse relationships from 15-23. I met my current husband at 23 and my life has improved a lot. But, I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I think it is just natural for some people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
but i dont feel hopeful, does that come with time?
i dont feel anyone would want to be with me because most people wind up leaving.
im not hard on the eyes, im not overweight, yes i'm a bit odd, but who isn't?
is there anything you can suggest? like especially when i feel like im going to loose it
 

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hey I just wanted to say you seem really nice. ive had it rough too. my best advice is to find a less "rough" crowd I would try to find something you like that isn't drugs, my grandfather was a mobster and all he cared about was drugs. I never truly got to know the man because of his addiction and he want to mug people essentially. I for one would kill to date a girl like you, who wants a nice guy, it seems to me nowadays that the only thing college girls want are the douchebags not the gentlemen. Chin up! you can do it! =)
if you have any problems feel free to message me on here.
-nate
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's not that I want a douchebag guy, they suck.
I just keep feeling like I feel thats what I deserve.
I know now I deserve better.

Since I posted this post, I've been watching The Secret, on Netflix.
I guess, according to the show, all the negative thoughts in my mind, is what attracted all these negative outcomes for me. I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough, interesting enough, etc. Those thoughts allowed those kind of bad vibes in the universe to enter my life.

It's hard, but I'm going to apply the law of attraction to my life.

First, instead of saying what I don't like and don't have, but I'm going to think of what I do have and build from there. Constantly thinking negatively all the time got me no where, but wanting to be better and change has gotten me this far. I posted on a forum, watched an enlightning video. I feel a change stirring deep within me.
 

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So I'm not the only one. Good! You are prolly a great girl! I wish I knew you in real life. There's always something that makes people tick, for me it's girls rejecting me and calling me creepy, I wanted to commit suicide a week ago but this forum has changed my life!
-much respect!
-Nate
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I know how that feels.
Such a bleak intense feeling where you desprately want to stop feeling.
I've attempted it before when I was 16 but it didn't work, but the thoughts never went away. After my accident where I "failed" to die again, I realize something. It's so easy to just do the things that offer instant gratification. I no longer partake in self mutilation, yes, I do feel like just abruptly ending it, but that nagging feeling in me I think it's hope, telling me that there is more to life than what I see and feel. I know you don't know me, but it makes me feel good to know that someone was close to ending it, but fought the feeling. Honestly, I think this makes us stronger, because we didn't give in, and we still want to live.
 

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Welcome, StuckInMyMind! :)
 

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Sorry I was at class. just saw this. I think the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that I didn't want my family to be upset. but yea like I said my biggest issue is women and it seems pretty clear that your biggest issue is men so we have some common ground here. trust me it sucks having people judge you but that's life. I am not innocent when it comes to that. ive judged people just as much as ive been judged. it makes me feel at least a bit better that girls may not want a guy like me because of the fact that im too nice. I don't know im just glad you are doing better
ps. don't do pot it makes it worse ive tried
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I never thought of men being my biggest problem..my dads not in my life and he left abruptly, I like to think that it's not a big deal, but maybe its bigger a deal than I thought. Girls don't really want an ******* guy, we really want a nice guy, I know you're going to make someone happy, so dont worry :)
As for the pot, I'm sitting here contemplating if I should get some or not, because I'm bored. This accident has me stuck at home and I don't have people to visit me, so it sucks even worse. Going out to get the herbs is mostly a distraction to me not just sitting here doing nothing.
 

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ive had to read this over a couple more times. im really sorry to hear about your accident that's really sad, I had a 14 year old girl cousin who suffered a stroke and nearly died and shes really never been the same (physically and mentally) I could ask her what that's like. ive never had any accidents like that but as I said ive developed mental problems due to massive bullying, obviously not the same thing but its the closest I cant relate to that. I really feel for you and I hope you have a swift recovery so you can get back on your feet!
get well soon!
-nate
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
thanks for your get well wishes :)

fortunately, the accident doesn't have me physically impaired. Yeah, my right knee locked up after a bit but I've found ways around it. In fact, if someone were to see me now they wouldn't know I was in an accident that severe. I cant run yet but my stitches are out, and the pain is minimum, and employment is once again possible. mentally though thats where all the damage is though, and i cant fathom why? deep in the back of my mind i guess i'm sad because the amount of people who came to visit me would be the same amount of people at my funeral, one. That doesn't include my family or friends of my mother. I feel invisible
 

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thanks for your get well wishes :)

fortunately, the accident doesn't have me physically impaired. Yeah, my right knee locked up after a bit but I've found ways around it. In fact, if someone were to see me now they wouldn't know I was in an accident that severe. I cant run yet but my stitches are out, and the pain is minimum, and employment is once again possible. mentally though thats where all the damage is though, and i cant fathom why? deep in the back of my mind i guess i'm sad because the amount of people who came to visit me would be the same amount of people at my funeral, one. That doesn't include my family or friends of my mother. I feel invisible
that's not true. my cousin is was beuitfull and she was the most popular girl in her school and me and mymom visited everyday and she barely had any friends come visit her. it was all family, plus friends come and go but family sticks, I may be depressed but I can say Ive had the best parents a guy could ask for. my dad spends a lot of money just so me and my brothers can go to buffalo bills games and get to spend some quality time with him. and my mom shops and all that too and takes us. and they would be the first people at my funeral and the last ones out =)
-nate
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
not to be a stick in the mud and in no way i'm jealous but the reality is my dad was a sperm doner and my mother isn't very emotionally supportive. we don't even do things like hug, ever. first time i remember reaching out to hug her is when she visited me in hospital after accident when i came to, even after that i felt kind of stupid and embarrassed for reaching out to her like that and it also felt awkward
 

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you NEED to tell your mom how you feel. I assume you may have two moms????? just wondering with the sperm donor thing. it may be hard but if you don't tell her things could be worse for you.
 
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