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Cynical Idealist
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Truth is, you're probably not going to completely get over it until you find somebody new. The people you've talked to are right, but I know those words are no help to you right now.

I went out with a girl at the end of my senior year of high school, and she dumped me days after I started college six months later. Not a particularly lengthy or intense relationship, but it still left a strong impression on me. Over eight years later: I still think about her. It's ridiculous, but the important part is realizing that she wasn't anything special; I only think about her because I haven't gone out with anyone since then. Not being able to get over her had nothing to do with her at all, only with how lonely I was feeling. Realizing this changed everything.

Here's the hard part. You have to accept that it's going to hurt. It's going to be lonely. But that's ok! That's part of what being alive is about. Maybe your heart is broken now, but I know you're strong enough to put the pieces back together! I promise you that there's an awesome guy out there who will see that strength, and want to be with the girl who wields it. If you do nothing but wallow in your brokenness, he may look elsewhere.

If you believe you'll be alone for the rest of your life then you will. You'll keep subconsciously making choices that keep you alone. It's going to take a lot of courage and strength from you to accept that yes, you're hurt, but it's not going to beat you. I know you can do that.
 

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Sleeping..zzZZZZ...
Joined
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45 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Truth is, you're probably not going to completely get over it until you find somebody new. The people you've talked to are right, but I know those words are no help to you right now.

I went out with a girl at the end of my senior year of high school, and she dumped me days after I started college six months later. Not a particularly lengthy or intense relationship, but it still left a strong impression on me. Over eight years later: I still think about her. It's ridiculous, but the important part is realizing that she wasn't anything special; I only think about her because I haven't gone out with anyone since then. Not being able to get over her had nothing to do with her at all, only with how lonely I was feeling. Realizing this changed everything.

Here's the hard part. You have to accept that it's going to hurt. It's going to be lonely. But that's ok! That's part of what being alive is about. Maybe your heart is broken now, but I know you're strong enough to put the pieces back together! I promise you that there's an awesome guy out there who will see that strength, and want to be with the girl who wields it. If you do nothing but wallow in your brokenness, he may look elsewhere.

If you believe you'll be alone for the rest of your life then you will. You'll keep subconsciously making choices that keep you alone. It's going to take a lot of courage and strength from you to accept that yes, you're hurt, but it's not going to beat you. I know you can do that.
Hello and thank you so much for your response,I really appreciate it.

I guess I was trying to tune out what others have told me because It isn't what I want to hear.And knew I won't be able to get over him until someone new walks into my life.Facing this reality sucks,but you are absolutely right & I will soak in everything you have said.I'll try my best to be strong and keep a positive mentality.

Thanks again~
 

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La Vie En Rose
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1,673 Posts
It's only been 2-3 months, I'm surprised that some of them were so harsh to just say move on. Most of my friends have told me that it took them about a year roughly, and realistically it's based on the individual and the nature of the relationship. People who move on quickly after a relationship has ended probably were drifting apart while in the relationship so in truth, they didn't actually move on quickly. Also, those who relationship hop don't necessarily 'move on,' they just transfer their affections to another partner and ultimately use that partner as an escape/crutch. To have alone time would require them to actually face themselves - to sit there and think about their mistakes, regrets, the downfalls they were accountable for, etc. It's depressing and unpleasant, but I think that alone time is crucial to really analyze the situation, to reflect and make the necessary changes that promote personal growth so you can set the stage to have a better relationship in the future. Changing partners doesn't guarantee a different ending because ultimately, you can re-enact the same patterns which led to the downfall of the previous relationship. But how many people are willing to admit to their mistakes? Not only that, making those changes can be rather difficult. Superficial changes are easy, long-lasting changes take a lot of commitment and time.

The thing is, intellectually you can understand and accept the situation but that does not necessarily help you emotionally move on from the situation. That takes time and allowing yourself to go through the emotions to let it out of your system. Everyone is different, so maybe you will take more time. A few months back I was in your similar situation and thinking wow, I still have not moved on as much as I wanted to at 3-4 months. It was rather hard for me to swallow because I had moved on quicker with previous relationships that were lengthier in time. But a couple of months later, with a new found hectic schedule, I have found that he barely crosses my mind and I know that I am much happier without him in my life. I can honestly say, I don't wonder how he's doing nor do I care. To be frank, I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I deserve so much better. Am I completely where I need to be? No, I have a lot to work on, but without a doubt, I would not want him in my life ever. However, what differs in our case is that what hindered my progress was that he constantly was trying to contact me for the past 7 months. He still does.

So you will be okay. You don't need to find someone else to truly move on but gradually, without your notice, you will feel better. You'll be at peace.
 

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Sleeping..zzZZZZ...
Joined
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45 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sorry you're feeling like this. You won't wind up alone for the rest of your life. Like someone previously said, i think distracting yourself and keeping busy and focusing on you will definitely help you get over this. Remember that it's still early days though and time is a slow but also a good healer.

I see that you like to draw and you like comics. If you find yourself overcome with strong emotions and thoughts that won't quickly subside, you could try to pursue a creative avenue like your drawing and see what you can produce. By doing something with those thoughts so they don't bring you down all day, you can free up your mind and thinking capacity and it might turn your day around. Just a suggestion. If you need to talk, feel free to message me. take care.
Well the truth is I haven't been able to draw anything for quite a while as I've lost motivation due to depression,but I'm sure that eventually I will get back into doing what I love with in time...Also thank you for your response ^^
 

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Sleeping..zzZZZZ...
Joined
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45 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's only been 2-3 months, I'm surprised that some of them were so harsh to just say move on. Most of my friends have told me that it took them about a year roughly, and realistically it's based on the individual and the nature of the relationship. People who move on quickly after a relationship has ended probably were drifting apart while in the relationship so in truth, they didn't actually move on quickly. Also, those who relationship hop don't necessarily 'move on,' they just transfer their affections to another partner and ultimately use that partner as an escape/crutch. To have alone time would require them to actually face themselves - to sit there and think about their mistakes, regrets, the downfalls they were accountable for, etc. It's depressing and unpleasant, but I think that alone time is crucial to really analyze the situation, to reflect and make the necessary changes that promote personal growth so you can set the stage to have a better relationship in the future. Changing partners doesn't guarantee a different ending because ultimately, you can re-enact the same patterns which led to the downfall of the previous relationship. But how many people are willing to admit to their mistakes? Not only that, making those changes can be rather difficult. Superficial changes are easy, long-lasting changes take a lot of commitment and time.

The thing is, intellectually you can understand and accept the situation but that does not necessarily help you emotionally move on from the situation. That takes time and allowing yourself to go through the emotions to let it out of your system. Everyone is different, so maybe you will take more time. A few months back I was in your similar situation and thinking wow, I still have not moved on as much as I wanted to at 3-4 months. It was rather hard for me to swallow because I had moved on quicker with previous relationships that were lengthier in time. But a couple of months later, with a new found hectic schedule, I have found that he barely crosses my mind and I know that I am much happier without him in my life. I can honestly say, I don't wonder how he's doing nor do I care. To be frank, I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I deserve so much better. Am I completely where I need to be? No, I have a lot to work on, but without a doubt, I would not want him in my life ever. However, what differs in our case is that what hindered my progress was that he constantly was trying to contact me for the past 7 months. He still does.

So you will be okay. You don't need to find someone else to truly move on but gradually, without your notice, you will feel better. You'll be at peace.
Hello and thank you for sharing your experience.

And I feel the same way.I'm beginning to realize that he is not worth my tears and thoughts,and I'll be better off without a backstabbing ******* like him.To be honest IF he ever were to try to reconnect with me I would probably decline without hesitation,but that would probably never happen because of his apathetic nature.

It is best we never talk or see each other again because now I will be able to advance forward in trying to get over him.But I still stand by my belief that if I find a replacement or If I'm ever lucky enough to fine someone who is much better than him in every single aspect he would never cross my mind again.
 

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us military men are gems, really.

but like others have said, the only way to stop the hurt is to find someone who treats you like how you feel you deserve to be treated. once you find somebody youll look back at the experience of being dumped and find it funny in how wrong that relationship was for you.
 

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La Vie En Rose
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1,673 Posts
Hello and thank you for sharing your experience.

And I feel the same way.I'm beginning to realize that he is not worth my tears and thoughts,and I'll be better off without a backstabbing ******* like him.To be honest IF he ever were to try to reconnect with me I would probably decline without hesitation,but that would probably never happen because of his apathetic nature.

It is best we never talk or see each other again because now I will be able to advance forward in trying to get over him.But I still stand by my belief that if I find a replacement or If I'm ever lucky enough to fine someone who is much better than him in every single aspect he would never cross my mind again.
That's awesome that you're starting to realize that he's not worth it. One of two things usually happen: he realizes you are worth it, or you'll realize he is not or both. From my experience, I would not put it past him that he may come back if his current relationship fails - it's happened to me twice. But it's up to you to stick to your guns and realize you deserve someone who appreciates you and knows your worth, and that you aren't some kind of back up plan or second choice when you're someone's first :) It's unfortunate that some people need to lose something in order to realize it's worth later on but that's a lesson they have to learn the hard way. Plus in all honesty, I feel like if you gave someone a second chance after they screwed you over that badly, it lets them know that it's okay to hurt you again and you'll just accept it, forgive them and repeat. I think it's pretty rare where people are genuinely sorry and won't repeat past mistakes. And yeah, I agree with the mindset that it's best to cut off ties in order to move on.

Take it easy on yourself! Heartbreaks are hard as it's a loss of many things. Maybe focus on any life goals/aspirations, hobbies, etc. What do you want out of life? I find that often times now, I am too tired to even bother reminiscing the past, so gradually I moved on. You'll find someone! Just do you, and be you and you'll attract someone who likes you for you or meet someone you want to take a chance as time progresses. I am not attractive but I ended up having a coworker like me and I also ended up crushing on someone else but that failed lol so you never know what happens!
 

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Sleeping..zzZZZZ...
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45 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
us military men are gems, really.

but like others have said, the only way to stop the hurt is to find someone who treats you like how you feel you deserve to be treated. once you find somebody youll look back at the experience of being dumped and find it funny in how wrong that relationship was for you.
Thank you for your input.

And yeah the pain will never fully diminish until then,but looking back now even thought it has only been a few months I'm starting to think what the heck I ever saw in a guy like him.
 

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Sleeping..zzZZZZ...
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
That's awesome that you're starting to realize that he's not worth it. One of two things usually happen: he realizes you are worth it, or you'll realize he is not or both. From my experience, I would not put it past him that he may come back if his current relationship fails - it's happened to me twice. But it's up to you to stick to your guns and realize you deserve someone who appreciates you and knows your worth, and that you aren't some kind of back up plan or second choice when you're someone's first :) It's unfortunate that some people need to lose something in order to realize it's worth later on but that's a lesson they have to learn the hard way. Plus in all honesty, I feel like if you gave someone a second chance after they screwed you over that badly, it lets them know that it's okay to hurt you again and you'll just accept it, forgive them and repeat. I think it's pretty rare where people are genuinely sorry and won't repeat past mistakes. And yeah, I agree with the mindset that it's best to cut off ties in order to move on.

Take it easy on yourself! Heartbreaks are hard as it's a loss of many things. Maybe focus on any life goals/aspirations, hobbies, etc. What do you want out of life? I find that often times now, I am too tired to even bother reminiscing the past, so gradually I moved on. You'll find someone! Just do you, and be you and you'll attract someone who likes you for you or meet someone you want to take a chance as time progresses. I am not attractive but I ended up having a coworker like me and I also ended up crushing on someone else but that failed lol so you never know what happens!
I've been told that guys like him always come crawling back,but in my case I seriously doubt that :?.But yeah,I hope that someday I'll meet my so called prince charming,but for now I'm going to focus more important things in my life as well.Hopefully life has more to offer me...

And thank again for your input :) Greatly appreciated~
 

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First step is to realize he is wrong for you, and you are alr there :). Now time is all that you need i guess. Personally, I don't really believe people can move on, date other people right after a break up and feel nothing, either they are great actors or their relationships were not real relationships. Or most of the cases, they are hurt to the point they are unwilling to show it to anyone. If you even have the slightest emotional investment in anything, putting an end to it will affect you, no matter what. We are all human.

Just try to cut off your communication with him. And maybe stay way from any source of news about him for the time beings. you don't need that right now. Gradually, he will pop up in your mind less often. And before you know it, there will be space your mind for thoughts of someone else.. someone better.... I know it's easier said than done, i've been there. But i found trying to busy yourself with new things, things that you have never done before but requires concentration really helps. It takes your mind off unwanted thought and give you something else to worry about.

Do stay away from activities you "used to do" though. That might trigger something in your mind. Good luck :)..
 
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