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Hi everyone, I'm new to this so I'd be very grateful for any support or feedback. I'll start off by saying a bit about myself. I'm 20 years old and in my last year at university. Like a lot of people I have not been official diagnosed with SA but I've researched it and I can relate to a lot of the symptoms and to what other members of this site have said about their experiences.
All throughout my school years (up until I was 16) I was always thought of as a funny, outgoing and intelligent guy. I had huge amounts of confidence and would willingly speak to anyone and everyone with genuine enthusiasm. I enjoyed meeting new people and would be invited to so many social gatherings and parties that I'd often have to turn people down! I was also very mature for my age and could have conversations with adults much older than me. However, from when I left school I noticed my personality began to change negatively and I started to develop symptoms that correlate with a number of different mental disorders. I'd often find that I'd avoid going out to social events and often just felt like I couldn't be bothered to see anyone. I also began to develop a stutter (if anyone else has experienced this please let me know of your experiences of this!). This meant that whenever I met new
people either at college or at work I'd often not talk in fear if stuttering and making a fool of myself. When in a social situation my mind would be preoccupied by thinking about what to talk about, which I'd never had to do previously. I lost my ability to make people laugh, this was a major part of my personality and it's now gone! When I do find myself talking to people I often forget what I was Talking about mid-sentence and I notice the people I'm talking to getting frustrated with me. I'm now very forgetful in other areas of my life, only minor things like texting people back, turning the light off when leaving a room etc but these are things Ive never had trouble with before! When I was younger I'd very often be complimented on how intelligent I was but now I'm known for being ditsy and forgetful and I feel like no one really takes me seriously when I do talk so now I don't bother talking! I genuinely believe I have lost my intelligence and ability to learn, does anyone else feel like this? Or does anyone know why this is or even if this is to do with SA? Or if this is just a result to generic stress? When speaking I also find that sentences don't flow in the correct order especially when telling someone a story about something that's happened to me or that someone had told me. Even writing this now I know that it isn't cleverly structured! It's embarrassing I just want to be my old self again, I don't envy anyone else I just want my old personality back! Please feel free to private message me. Thanks for reading.

SilentM
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Also! After every conversation I have with someone I analyse it and think about what went well, what didn't go so well, what that person thinks about me, if I sounded normal etc. I hate talking to people now! But I feel so left out when I'm surrounded by people who are all so confident, witty and outgoing. I just don't know what to do! How can I go back to being the old me!? Or am I stuck being boring, silent and lonely!? Please help :(
 

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The .majority of this post could have been written by me as well. It's crazy to think someone else is in such a similar situation. I will post more in depth tomorrow as I don't do my best thinking or writing at 1am.
 

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Welcome, SilentM! :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@ Eissejtsuj - I look forward to hearing from you!
@bem33 - yeah your right it is about self-esteem but I just dont know what it was that made my self-esteem drop so low!?
 

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I feel the same...

Hey, im a 21 year old female and i can see alot of similarities in your story.
I used to be funny and i was kind of popular for being quick with come backs jokes etc. Being a girl i should have been worried about weight etc but i wasnt i was so happy go lucky and giggly.
Now i find i cant laugh. Like i have lost the ability to do so, when somethings funny and everyone is laughing i will just be thinking 'yea this is funny' but i cant laugh i think too much and worry about everything. Going to work i worry about what people think about me and similiar to what you said i find it hard to make conversation and i sort of mumble and it doesnt make sense. The old me was different and its so upsetting. I think my anxiety and upset to change could be down to my parents splitting. Its very complicated so i wont bore anyone with it, but it was traumatic and my dad put us through alot of mental abuse 'you dont have any friends' 'whats wrong with your face' etc etc and as of recently im thinking the change in personality might have something to do with that, as it all kind of happened 3 years ago. xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hey, im a 21 year old female and i can see alot of similarities in your story.
I used to be funny and i was kind of popular for being quick with come backs jokes etc. Being a girl i should have been worried about weight etc but i wasnt i was so happy go lucky and giggly.
Now i find i cant laugh. Like i have lost the ability to do so, when somethings funny and everyone is laughing i will just be thinking 'yea this is funny' but i cant laugh i think too much and worry about everything. Going to work i worry about what people think about me and similiar to what you said i find it hard to make conversation and i sort of mumble and it doesnt make sense. The old me was different and its so upsetting. I think my anxiety and upset to change could be down to my parents splitting. Its very complicated so i wont bore anyone with it, but it was traumatic and my dad put us through alot of mental abuse 'you dont have any friends' 'whats wrong with your face' etc etc and as of recently im thinking the change in personality might have something to do with that, as it all kind of happened 3 years ago. xx
Thanks a lot for your reply. Did your SA just hit you one day or had it been a gradual process? Mine has just been getting worse and worse and shows no sign of stopping. I suffer from mumbling too! I'm doing a sports science degree and one of my assessments was to instruct a group exercise session. After the session the participants gave me feedback and the first thing someone said was that they had to really concentrate to understand what I was saying because she said i was mumbling and everyone agreed. I was mortified. Another thing that lowers my self esteem further is that pretty much every conversation I have the other person will ask me to repeat myself at least once. I'm so self conscious about it that I even count the number of times people say 'what' or 'pardon' or 'say that again' it really gets me down.

I've also been told I speak really really fast sometimes, I don't know if you or anyone else have this problem too?

I'm very sorry to hear the way you've been treated by your parents. I too feel that maybe it was a traumatic experience that triggered my anxiety. My mother was diagnosed with MS 8 years ago and it has gotten progressively worse to the point that she cannot walk and strugggles to lift her legs just to lied on her bed. I find myself thinking about her and how she must feel a lot of the time which more often than not breaks me down into tears.

Do you often think about how your parents have treated you? I spend most of the day thinking about things that have upset me or times where I've been embarrassed. I think if I could get these thoughts out of my head then I might go back to my old self.
 

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Hey SilentM welcome. :hyper
 

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Okay here goes..
A little window into my world lol. First off I grew up in a middle class house hold with two very loving parents. I was an only child and very much an extrovert. Growing up I was never socially ackward, I had many friends and excelled at sports and academics. I was in advanced classes from elementary school through high school (even in my stoner days lol) I always spoke my mind and was fiercely independent. Somewhere between my senior year of Highschool and the age of 20 is when I started becoming aware of a change in me which I now label social anexity (as I have never seen a doctor in regards to this issue). It started slowly like not wanting to go places as much as usual, over analizing conversations, things like that. It didn't get horribly wose that that until about 2 years ago. My current issues are as follows: I hate listening to voicemail and anwerign my phone to ANY number I dont know, my heart pounds so fast whenever I get an anonomus phone call or voicemail. This causes me great distress and hurts my business as I use my cell phone to deal with clients. Luckily I have a lage enough client base that it doesnt currently hurt my income...just my image as a professional :(. I don't like to go to most places most of the time. Being around strangers makes me almost paranod. One wrong look from someone and I'm left dwelling (in a negative manner)much to long on what thought brought out that expression. I'm extremely self concious about my physical apperance and have been since around the age of 18. I know people find me to be good looking but no matter what someone says unfortunatly my opinion trumps theirs, even my husbands. I over analyze every conversation I have at work to the point where I feel tight chest pain.(I do this weather I had a good day or bad day at work) I don;t watch much TV especially trash TV but my husband loves the Steve Wilkos show and whenever he turns it on the drama (fake as it is)is to much for me to bear and my heart starts beating way to fast again. This happens with some movies as well and girly movies(man I hate chick flicks). I am EXTREMELY forgetful and can ask my husband the same question many times a day loose my keys, cell phone you name it. I've noticed my forgetfullness is at an all time peak this year. I also forget what I'm saying mid sentence allllllll the time. It's hard to keep my thoughts together as well. I used to work in real estate, I workerd my way up from the bottom rungs of a company to top salesman and then Trainer/recruiter at the age of 21. I put together business plans for our failing FSBO dept. I built websites for other realtors and spoke in seminars. Even back then with small hints of a developing disorder. Now I cant even put together a simple price list or finish a website for my current profession. Its sad and a little funny that if the past me had to read this post of mine, she would surely comment on the lack of structured sentences and grammatical errors. But I'm not going to look this over after typing it, I'd probably just delete it then. I know things have gotten worse due to a new husband and new baby, and I suspect I show signs of depression as well. I know I need to see a doctor but I cant bring myself to go, it gives me to much anexity catch 22 huh lol. One thing about me that differs from your situation is I can fake it. People have no idea I am the way I am upon meeting me. My husband is the only one who knows how bad it is. All my old co-workers still think im a social butterfly, and invite me to many get togethers, which I want to go to....but I just can't. The worst part about this situation is my husband just doesnt get it. I don't know how to put this in a nicer way, but he doesn't have the capacity to understand mental conditions of any kind. In his family he describs his oldest brother as not maturing past 13 (his oldest brother is in his late 30's) and his only sister in her early thirties lives at home never leaves the house for anything and will not look a stranger in the eye or converse with them at all. It took her months to adjust to me being i n the picture. Talk about severe social anexity and possibly depression. When I asked my husband why his parents didnt get help for his sis or bro he said what do they need help with? Now he admits his sister has some sort of issue but still. Thank god he's street smart because book smart he is NOT. Well I know I'm missing things in this post but I feel I've rambeled on enought for today.
Sorry I don't have anything constructive to help with your issue but I doo feel you pain.
 

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Welcome SilentM. Sometimes I feel like I've temporarily lost my intelligence too, losing my train of though mid-sentence, or just plain can't form a comprehensive sentence. Yesterday, I asked my bf a question and when he asked me to repeat, I couldn't remember what I had just said two seconds before. I've heard that it's caused by over-stimulation of the brain, which is how I feel. I have no suggestions on how to get back to 'normal' since I've had SA and selective mutism since...forever. I guess the only constructive thing I've tried is EFT.

eissejtsuj, the 199 views and no comments only means that a ton of people here have such severe SA, that they completely understand but can't bring themselves to comment (I'm forcing myself to comment). I can sympathize with your husband not understanding, my dad and stepmom didn't either, and thought I was making it up or trying to get attention. I was told to 'get over it'. I also agree about the tv, I even had to stop playing certain video games because they made me too anxious.
Good luck to both of you and feel free to PM.
 
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