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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so i keep trying to make progress with my anxiety, i go out a lot more lately and basically never say no to opportunities to socialize. well tonight i went to a bar with my brother's friend. some older lady, very drunk and talkative comes up to us and says something like "you're so beautiful (or it's so beautiful?) cause you're shy not many people are anymore", or something similar to that.... i just don't know how is that suppose to be a compliment and i wonder if i was appearing that way the whole night or just when she came up to us, i tried to talk to the guy i was with, i wasn't over the top but i wasn't super quiet, i hopeeee. i just wanna know how the majority of people see me but i'm scared to ask.

another unpleasant thing happened recently when i was with my friend and her friend, and the other girl said i'm like a clone of her cousin (i met the cousin later on), and that we're sweet and calm and the other girl is really quiet, but it makes me mad cause i don't perceive myself to be that way all the time and all shy people are not the same, maybe i wasn't opening up cause i felt judged... but it frustrates me cause i'm putting myself out there and i try to make conversation and be fun and happy but i'm not sure if people perceive me as fun or still the quiet boring girl...
 

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The funny thing about language is that every person interprets certain words in a certain way. Similarly, when people say a certain thing the meaning of what said is different person to person.

To me, it sounds like they were reassured or put at ease by the fact that you are shy. It probably was a compliment. But since you see that as a weakness of yours, you felt offended by it.

I know it sucks to be underestimated by people. But I would be willing to bet that if you could escape yourself and see yourself the way other people see you, you might think the same things they do. People respond to the cues you give them. If you don't give them very many or if you don't go out of your way to make yourself heard, people will start filling in the blanks and assuming things based off what little they know... and it will be way off. They will miss out. But you'll miss out more. I used to have similar feelings, but then I kind of realized that it was mostly my fault. I also realized that I've made judgments about people that were false myself.

It's hard for people like us to realize that so much of our identities never leave the inside of heads... even when we think we're putting ourselves out there.
 

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Born Of Blotmonað
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To me, it sounds like they were reassured or put at ease by the fact that you are shy. It probably was a compliment. But since you see that as a weakness of yours, you felt offended by it.
I agree with the above,

I'm not sure socializing/conversing more often negates reservation within ones character so I think the people making these comments may just be noting a trait of yours they like. When extroverts socialize they really make themselves the centre of attention whereas when introverts socialize they participate, but no more than enough to keep the balance at most, & that quality about you may be what these people were/are commenting on. As Cataclysm Ballet said, that you feel this aspect of yourself is a weakness may well have allowed for these comments to be taken as damaging rather comforting. That said I would prefer for all of us with SA if people didn't comment on this aspect of our character as it's rare that hearing these things will make any of us feel good about ourselves
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks for the responses, i'm trying not to think too much about it. also i think people who make these sort of comments should think more before they speak because telling someone they're shy is not a compliment in my mind (and like you guys said a huge weak spot for me), but at least i'm very sensitive to what hurts others and i don't pick on people's weak spots even when i do see them. i guess i'll keep on working on portraying myself to others in a way so they see me the way I see myself.
 
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