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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I've been told. My name is Jessie, I'm a 25 year old female and have been struggling with the demonic battle of social anxiety for 15 years. A little bit of background:
It all started when I turned 10, which was the age puberty started kicking in. My family also moved to the burbs at that age. I hated the idea of being the center of a crowd. I hated people staring at me, and I was bullied since that age throughout high school. Girls talking about me in front of my face to boys finding ways to torment me. I know for a fact this added on to the problem. I always felt different, like I didn't belong. Anywho, jr high was a nightmare. I dreaded giving presentations and speeches. I'd ditch class, my stomach would go mental, I'd run to the bathroom prior and try to calm myself down. A moment that stood out to me was after giving a excruciating five minute presentation, as I made my way to sit down, a boy said with a evil smile, "you were shaking so bad." I just shrugged and timidly made my way to my desk sinking and wanting to die. That same grade we had to do oral reports and my social studies teacher called my parents informing them of how nervous I was standing in front of the class. Which was probably why I was failing. It was a mortifying experience that deeply affected my well being and happiness. I never felt more alone in my life...moving on, high school, same thing. Avoided giving speeches, always blushed when anyone would talk to me. I sweat uncontrollably, shortness of breath, you know the drill I'm sure. I lost a good amount of friends with how "weird" I was. I did so poorly in high school...college was barely an option. But I did go and I dropped out. Now to present day. I hate and absolutely despise being around people I don't know. Even if I'm meeting with friends the before process is agonizing. I get panic attacks and cry. I get so nervous and awkward around people, it's a joke. When I walk down the street and people pass me by I act all weird and nervous. The blushing (oh my god, this part pisses me of the most), sweating, tummy aches, it's all there. I am very flakey because of this disorder. It has prevented me from pursuing my dreams and facing my fears. Alcohol is how I tolerate meet-ups. Always pre-gaming. I actually did a shot of whiskey before giving a presentation in college and....not sure if it helped but I did pretty good. But that's such an awful way to go about life and it doesn't solve any issues. And that was at 10 in the morning! I listen to a lot of music and it is really my main therapy. It just frustrates me that my brain is generally like stop it, calm down, why are you blushing, why are you so nervous? But the outside of me is never able to deal with those situations the way I intend to. It almost has become a fantasy to want to not give a f**k. Someone posted on one of the forums that went like "you know you have social anxiety when..." and one replied with, "I want to but I can't." Story of my life, simply put but it really hit me hard. I'm finally seeing a doctor tomorrow regarding my anxiety. I'm nervous about it but I hope that it'll lead me to the right direction in hope to dealing with these issues. I'm now finally admitting my problem and I hope that I'll be able to face the world someday and do the things I want to do. I also hope I'll be able to help others who suffer from this disorder, especially young people, and let them know they are definitely not alone or weird for being this way. This disorder is so overlooked and misdiagnosed. That's why forums and websites like this are fantastic. They give us a place to connect and share our struggles. And I think that in itself is an essential part of self-therapy. Anyway, thank you for reading my rant/introductory post.
-jessie
 

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Welcome, Sophist4! :)
 

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I'll be the one to say you aren't alone. I've always had the worst presentations in class from Jr High-High School. It never seemed like other people were nervous going up in front of a class, and things just got so quiet once I neared the front of the stage. My problem was having a very shaky voice and having to make long awkward pauses to catch my breath and stop what felt like my heart blowing out of my chest!

Anywho, welcome!
 

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:wels Jassie!

Yeah, its a great place for us.

I understand what you are going through. Its really tough leading your social life with SA.

For me it was yesterday when I gave presentation to some around 25 people at my office. I almost got fainted and it was certainly a bottleneck for me for last 7 days thinking about the presentation. So, I have decided to visit a therapist.

welcome again!.. dont worry :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you everyone for the welcome! I'm finally opening up about this and I feel that that in itself is a huge step. I saw my doctor today and the visit went fantasitc. I'm going to see a behavioral therapist soon and hopefully this whole process will change me for the better! This disorder is seriously my fatal flaw, and conquering it is crucial to my happiness. Thank you all again for the support! I'm glad I found such a welcoming and understanding community.
 

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Hey Jessie, welcome to :sas
 
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