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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, so a 15 year old boy. When I was 12, I got depression for about a month. Nothing bad happened, I just started feeling weird. It got worse and worse. I felt tired, couldn't eat, felt guilty about every little thing.

I also have anxiety. I've had it ever since I was little. I've read about it, and I've shown a lot of signs since I was small. I have some social anxiety, which I hate! Anyway, I've also had separation anxiety. When I first entered Pre-K. It went away after some time. Then when I entered kindergarden, it came again, but lasted longer. I felt even more bad when I went to the carfetaria. My parents even had to ask my teacher if I could eat in the classroom. One day she had to go somewhere, so she asked me if I could go to the cafeteria. I said "yes", and it wasn't so bad. I was all good. In first grade, I was even looking forward for my first day. It all came to an end when in 3rd grade, there was this summer thing. The first day, my parents didn't come to pick me up when they said. Time passed. Before you knew it, I was one of the last kids in the school. I asked one of the grown-ups if they could call my parents, since my mom gave me a paper of her and my dad's phone number. They didn't asnwer. I felt dizzy and wanted to go the the bathroom. Right there, my mom walked in. I just went to the car and felt super bad. I cried and begged them to not send me to school anymore. I've been home schooled ever since.

I want to go back to school now though. I want friends. I literally have no friends. I mean I do, but only see them certain places. I have online friends. I'm on this site called "Formspring". I was first on the Polls and Surveys of Yahoo Answers. I made friends then we all went to FS. I like them. Although more than half have left, there still some, and other people I've met. Some seem to be different and like me, which I like.

Anyway, I'm very anti-social. I can talk if someone speaks to me, but sometimes I like, forget to breathe and have to swallow. Even tho I don't believe in God, I go to church. I don't want my parents to have a heart attack. We read in Sunday class. Whenever it gets close to my turn, my heart starts pumping and I feel nervous. I often read a word wrong, lose my breath etc.

also when the teacher points at me or says my name when he wants me to answer a quetion, I get this feeling inside me for a second. It's in my chest. I dislike it.

I wanna answer questions, but I can't

people always say I'm rather intelligent. I like to learn, a lot. My favorite subjects are history, linguistics, political geography, philosophy, social science, astronomy, math, and I love reading about mysteries. Oh, I also like archaeology.

people say I'm handsome. I don't wanna sound arrogant, but I think I am as well. Yet, I'm still like this!

Also, I use to have sort of long hair. Maybe 4/5 inches. In church, when we were up and clapping, I sometimes sweat. I stopped clapping sometimes, but usually felt like people were thinking I was disrespectful or stuff like that. I often kept clapping, but kept you know, "scratching" my upper head to stop or mix the sweat in my hair. Once, it got bad for some reason. I think it was cause my hair was sort of damp. I felt like fainting and crying. I wanted to ask my dad for the car keys so I could go to the truck. IT WAS BAD.

I also have OCD. It was bad in 2011. I remember on the night before my birthday, I was playing MW3. I went to the kitchen to grab a snack, then I got a thought in my head about an 18-wheeler crashing into my parents on the road. I stayed in the hallway for at least 10 minutes, thinking and trying to get "that just right feeling". I think I was going back and fourth as well. Not walking, but staying where I was, going back and fourth. I sometimes pick up something and get a bad thought right when I grab it or it falls onto what I put it on. I have to obviously, think and get that feeling. I sometimes use to think "what if once I'm old enough to drive, I get a thought and can't break since I can't get that feeling in time?". I was so glad when I found out it had a name...."OCD". I got it when I first got depression I think. Before or during, IDK. But it was 2010. Or maybe not. I actually can't remember.

Also, I don't think I have much empathy. I know I have less than other people. I was watching a video about some boys abusing a kitten. I felt bad for the kitten, but didn't feel anything towards the boys. Not like or hate. I love animals, so I wouldn't hurt one for fun. Although I once had a BB. gun, and shot a pegion that was on a phone line. I felt nothing and just thought 'cool I got it". I mean I now know it was bad since someone told me when I told them. But in my head, it was a bird, not a dog or cat.

I didn't feel anything when I watched "12 years a slave". I've heard of people crying when seeing it, but I didn't feel sad or anything, yet, I cried at the end of Toy Story 3 when I watched in in 2010(before I got depression).

oh, that reminds me. I didn't feel as bad when my grandfather died as when I had depression. My grandfather died of cancer 3 months after I got depression, yet, I got over it quick. I loved him yes. I cried when my dad told me he died. But it wasn't "OMG MY GRANDPA DIED :'(" for like a week. In fact, I kind of forced myself to cry some 2 weeks after he died. I felt like I had to. I didn't need to, but I felt that was what a normal person would do. That was when I still didn't know much about mental disorders. Lately, I've grown an interest in them. Also drugs.

I'm not bipolar, but I once had something I thought was a manic episode. It was last month. It was late at night, probably 2-3AM. I thought of shooting up a school. In my head, a school I went to. Not some random school. That would be boring or idk, not feel "good". Well idk, maybe. Anyway, in my head, people would know about me. Anyway, I had it, then I had a sudden HAPPY feeling. I felt so good. I was even laughing for no reason! I had to try to calm myself, since I didn't wanna wake my parents or brother. I felt so good tho. It lasted around 30 seconds. I wish I could feel like that again. If I could describe it, I'd say it felt like ecstasy, even tho I've never taken any drugs. Well I have, when I had depression. Forgot when pills they were tho. Well no, anxiety. My parents took me to a psychaiastrist. I only told him some things, since my parents were in the room. From what I told him, he said I had an anxiety disorder.

Now about the shooting. I have no desire to shoot up a school. The thought just made me happy and I had a thrill just thinking of it. I had an interest with Columbine during Dec-Jan. I played videos of the tapes, and of other movies with school shootings, while in another tab, I had "Pumped up Kicks".

And earlier in March, I had in interest in the Boston Bombing. I looked at photos of Jahar. And this girl who made a video saying he was cute. I mean, the girl was cute too. Anyway, I fantisized about all 3 of us doing committing a terrorist act. It was like we would be "cool" and seem casual, yet secretly evil.

I don't get myself. I use to be a happy kid. I loved seeing other happy. Seeing people smile. I love helping people. Yet lately, this past year, I've been, idk, finding my true self? My "dark" side. I mean I still like helping people and seeing people happy, but I still have my other side. It's like a complete opposite. When I'm with people, I guess they blend together, but when I'm by myself, I guess it's mostly my dark side..or other side.

I have a dark sense of humor. Others say it's mean at what I laugh at, but I can't help it.

Also, I have a journal. I only wrote in it for 3 days in Dec. It has so much hate. There's a part where I write about how Mexicans are such hypocrites. I'm of Mexican descent, so don't say I'm racist. I wrote about wanting to plant a bomb inside a club filled with Mexicans listening to 'narcocorridos". Songs that glorify the people who are destorying Mexico. I'm not the "VIVA MEXICO' type. I'm glad being American. But I mean I can't deny my parents are Mexican(no not illegal). I don't look like a stereotypical Mexican tho. I'm rather light, but still brown. I'm 5'9. Anyway, I wrote stuff like "freaking hypocrites. Listening to that music. They should all die. I don't think Americans would get mad if this happened. It's Mexicans anyway. It'd be easy. Get fake tans, fakr make-up scar. Colored contact. Thin gloves that match your skin tone. Othet things. Not get caught" and bla bla bla.

I just wanna feel better and happy. At the same time, I feel like this is my true me. I feel like my disorders are my friends. I feel different with them. But they're also annoying and don't let me feel normal or happy.

I'm different. Everybody likes sports and Drake/Lil Wayne. I like Tame Impala and learning. I want to gain emotional intelligence. I wish I could play with people. Who knows, I probably can, it's just my anxiety blocking it. I wanna speak, but at the same time can't. Then things become awkward. I can never start or keep a converstion going.

if I do go to a psychaiatrist, what will they put me on most likely?

also, don't think my parents abused me or anything. I was raised normally. My parents never smoke, rarely drink, and don't curse. My brother is very different from me. He's very sensitive and empathetic. He wants to become a doctor and loves robotics, engineering, video games etc.

I'm thinking Prozac/Zoloft and Vistaril. Those are the only ones I know.

okay that's enough. I'm so glad I found this. Yahoo! Answers doesn't let me ask this much.

82 Posts can get better tell your parents you need help you most likely will be taken to a psych and they will talk to you and help you out with your thinking and try medication on you...and they will most likely put you on whatever symptoms you tell them your having if your having depression they will put you on anti-depressant...if your having paranoid thoughts delusions,hallucinations...then they will put you on a anti-psychotic...get better though and wish you luck man

82 Posts
I also have OCD. It was bad in 2011. I remember on the night before my birthday said:
Not sure if you got OCD obessive compulsive disorder...i wash my hands about 30+ times a day and its a ritual u perform...also do u have fears of certain things like cups being dirty or not washed...or shaking hands then thinking about catching a disease...or just doing somthing over and over would be ocd
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