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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is anybody here suffering from an identity crisis? I suppose I am.

For most of my life I've been incredibly impulsive, which a mild case of ADHD almost certainly contributed to. Therefore I would almost always focus intensely on any task that needed to be done and ignore everything else around me. That ensured that I was always doing homework or playing videogames and never being social.

This continued for a while. In high school, however, I wanted a girlfriend and rationalized that I'd have no chance of doing so being the snappy, spastic and energetic person I was. So I decided to become more deliberate, reflective and thoughtful. To my surprise, I discovered that when not constantly focused on one or few things, I began to feel more intense emotions. Maybe it was that I was being more reflective. During this time, I gradually fell in love romantically (which, in the end, didn't work out. Oh well) and raged and cried when angry or sad, respectively, which I can never done before.

I like this "new", deliberate personality better than my old, "natural" one. I feel like a more balanced person, devoting time to both things that need to get done and recreational activities. I feel emotion, both the good and the bad. I feel real. Problem is, I keep switching back and forth between the "new" and the "natural" personalities.

Sometimes I feel I can't keep up the energy needed to ace my classes or retain information, or that I can't fake who I am, so I'll switch to the impulsive "natural" personality. After a short while I begin to feel exhausted or fear that my social life will be damaged, and resort to my "new" personality. This cycle then repeats itself. Sometimes multiple times a day, and always at least a couple times a week. This has been going on for over five years.

I want to have a social life and all that jazz one day. One of the impediments to that, I believe, is that I'm incredibly unsure of who I want / am capable of being. If I can't place trust in myself to be predictable and fairly stable, can I really trust others? I think the whole sorry scene is just an example of what fear and lack of discipline can do when left unchecked.

Has anybody else had troubles along these lines?
 
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