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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know this might sound crazy and scary and all that stuff, but I figured I'd get it out, because right now I feel like I can change the world.

First a little background information:

When I was a very young kid my parents got divorced, because my dad left my mother for another woman. The years flew by. When I was around 11 or 12 that was when my dad really started trying to get to know me, I think he realized the mistakes he made and regretted them. He would always drop subtle hints for me to move down there with them, but at the time I didn't understand, or want to hear it because all my friends lived here and I was still a boy.

Well, I was about 13 when I got the call from my step mother. She started probing me with these weird questions about moving there, if I would ever consider it and stuff. I didn't think about it at the time, but maybe I was a little selfish. The next day I found out that she killed herself outside with a shotgun, my dad found the body.

More years go by, I don't realize how much my dad wants to talk to me (we were both bad at showing emotions).

I'm 16 now and my mom has been married to a real great guy named Dave for a few years. Dave had two huge problems, he was an alcoholic, and a chronic smoker (about two packs a day). He was probably the nicest person anyone would ever meet, but I treated him like he was garbage.

I remember being in school, in a class called Mechanical Drawing. That was when I got sent to the office. I had no idea why the office wanted me, I figured it was just some innocent thing. That was when I saw my sister crying. Dave had died, they didn't really know why, but thought it was from a massive heart attack.

I numbed the feeling and pretended like it didn't happen.

A few more months go by. I was feeling sick so I was sleeping downstairs on the couch, and my mom was next to me.

This was when I heard the worst words I've ever heard in my life. "Ryan, they don't know where your dad is. Rachel called because he hasn't come back from hunting." I waited hours in nervousness, not believing what I had heard. Eventually we got the call that they found his body lying on the ground. He was a very avid hunter, and apparently his harness that was supposed to hold him up in the tree snapped, because of a faulty product. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt.

Once again I ignore that it happened to numb the pain.

I miss two weeks of school, and go back, but don't talk about it to anyone, I don't even talk about it to my mom.

Mistake. I never saw my Dad's body, because I didn't want to feel the reality.

A few more years go by, I feel kind of numb, lifeless all the time. Makes me happy to not have to think about stuff. Or does it?

High school goes by very slowly, I don't do anything, I sleep in 90% of classes, I don't talk to anyone other than my friends that I already had.

I'm a junior now, and my mom starts talking to a guy named Jed. Again I treat him like crap. Eventually we move to a different house. I continue treating him like crap and eventually graduate (woo woo?).

Next year I go to college, don't meet anyone new, sit inside all the time. Don't talk to anyone except my roommate (who is a friend i've known before everything).

I live in town by myself for the summer. It feels good to not have to talk to anyone.

Fast-forward to now. I'm 20 years old. Second year of college. I continue treating Jed like crap for no apparent reason. I wonder why I feel so crappy all the time. I do research on the internet for diagnoses for conditions -- I want to find out why everyone hates me, or people in general don't like me. That's when I found out about SAD. I bring myself to the local hospital and talk to the therapist. He refers me to another doctor. I have a really brisk quiet emotionless chat with her. She prescribes 10mg ambien and 20mg celexa. I go back the next week, no effect from the meds. She prescribes 10mg ambien and 40mg celexa, no effect. I go back the next week, she prescribes 60mg celexa and 10mg ambien.

Mmmmm, I can sleep again. I feel strangely happy now, but not sure if I should. A few months go by, I have been taking 60mg celexa every day, and 10mg ambien every night to sleep.

School goes by really fast, and it seems to really piss me off all the time. I decide to move home for the summer because none of my roommates wanted to stay.

Feels really ****ty around the house, lots of animosity between Jed and I.
Out of spontaneity I decide to get a dog. I spend all day every day with her, and love just being around her. I lose a ton of weight, and am perfectly happy.

That's when I start talking to a girl online. I have no idea who she is or anything about her, but love talking to her because she doesn't seem to care what people think, and is really smart.

I don't understand what is bothering me all the time. I get super pissy and feel like hitting people. Now we're up to last week. It is SUPER hot, way too hot for this area. I take an ambien at night as usual, except this time I don't sleep because it's so hot. I don't sleep for another day, and another day. I start forgetting everything. I don't eat. I don't remember to take Celexa. I don't take another ambien because I start hallucinating and can barely open my eyes at times. I try to sleep but it doesn't work.

I keep on pushing. I cry for the whole day Monday, and think I'm crazy, think about killing myself.

My dog knows something is different. I don't sleep the next day either. I try to, but can't. So I go for a cruise with my dog. And start crying, for half an hour. I have no idea why.

We're up to a few days ago now. I don't rest until I can figure out why I'm so messed up. I read up on the side effects of ambien and celexa. "Wow, Celexa dosage isn't even supposed to exceed 40mg"?

My psychiatrist prescribed me an overdose of Celexa. She didn't tell me about the side effects. She didn't tell me not to take ambien every night to sleep.


I am fine as of a few days ago, just figuring stuff out for myself now. My mom and Jed got engaged today, and I told the girl how I feel about her.

I guess my point is, I just want to tell you all that the bad **** does go away. If you are a good person and keep pushing. Don't ever give up. If I can do it, you can do it. I believe in all of you. One person can change the world. Meds don't fix every problem. They are temporary. If you don't pay attention to what your body is telling you, it will really hurt you. I know it has to me, I took a dump yesterday and the turd actually sizzled when it hit the water. THAT is scary.


154,235 Posts

It sounds like you have some pain to let out, man. I know the feeling as I went through a lot of problems growing up myself.

I woulld take to your doctor about the medication thing. You may need to try something else if the Celexa doesn't work. Being prescribed 60 to 80mg is not uncommon, though.

I am sorry to hear that you have been through all you have. I am glad to read that you are taking control of your issues. That is great!

Oh, and about the stepparent thing. I am going through that myself. My dad married a woman he knew and dated before he met my mom! It turns out she is a nice lady who gets all her crap from her own children! I get along better with her than her own kids do! Even though I had to whole "if you had gotten married while dating, I never would have been born" thing, I at least have a semblance of a family which is something I truly missed growing up.

Please let us know how things are with you!

5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well, I've figured it out now. I forgot to take celexa for 2 days, and I was really messed up. Then I took it again and I couldn't remember stuff, where I put my shirt, etc. Even stuff that I am very accustomed to doing, like moving a mouse was confusing me.

I ate a lot today and I finally feel like the meds are dissipating. I wish I had known what it felt like while I was on the celexa. Jesus. I feel like I've been drunk for the last few months!

Stay away from celexa, far far away. I don't want to warn you more than once. It feels good while you're on it, but man, reality didn't seem real anymore, I feel a lot better now that I can think clearly again.
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