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Hey all,

I'm a bit upset right now. Today was my third day of work. My first job, and I am 24.

For some reason I feel very comfortable with my boss, and today a situation happened where after having a little too much caffeine, after speaking to my boss (we were having a revealing important conversation about the company and I was having an overload of important information that impacted my place in the company a lot- he is entrusting me with a lot), and I started freaking out a bit, and I really needed some water. I was also feeling like I might start having a panic attack, even though I doubted it. He asked if I was okay and seemed concerned, and for some reason I felt like I should come clean and let him know a little more about me, after getting some water.

Although I've always been nervous and gotten upset, I have only had one real panic attack, and when I had it, I thought I was dying and well, had what the doctors call a nervous breakdown. I was acting psychotic, it lasted for a week, then I was fine. The situation preceeding it though was putting a lot of pressure on me emotionally, and physically (low body weight, long periods of sleep deprivation), and the stress involved on my body seemed to make it seem like it wasn't all THAT weird that it happened. To this day I still am affected by it and worry about it, although I hold strong onto the idea that it won't happen again because I won't let my body get that weak, and I will keep in mind that if I have a panic attack, it is only a panic attack, and I will try to focus on breathing.

Anyway, for some reason, with the situation, I felt compelled to tell him about my personal problems. Anyway I would justify why it seemed ok at the time to tell him, but the details are too arduous to get into, and I will just say that it seemed like a good idea at the time and that he would understand.

Well, I gave him a brief breakdown of it. Well, he did seem to be supportive and understanding and all... However...

I don't know, I just feel like I may have been a royal idiot. That even though he seemed supportive and I ensured him I needed no special help, his supportive nature may have just been lip service. I mean, job-wise, it may not have been smart, because for one it might make him lose his confidence in me and be leery of entrusting me with much, and for two if I leave the job for some reason, it may get out and he would be a bad reference. I feel humiliated in a way... just in case he is going to judge me or spread it around.

On the other side, it could be a good thing that it's out and my boss at least understands what's going on with me. Even though I am able to keep myself together for the most part, if anything goes wrong he will know.

However... I don't know. I just feel absolutely terrible for some reason. When I got in my car I just thought about what my boss knows now, and I could not help but just feel horrible. I really would like some extra validation from him just to make sure he's not going to judge me and will continue to have faith in me in my job, and I want to try to reinforce that while I had more problems in the past, I know I am very capable today and I have had enormous improvement.

However, while emailing it to him is tempting, I know the best thing is to just let things lie and see what happens. Just try to do a good job at work and prove myself. I know that's all I can do.

In the meantime I just feel awful. I'm not entirely sure why, but something about the whole thing makes me feel like curling up in a hole and dying. I mean I just feel depressed because I feel like maybe I was an idiot. And I feel depressed that who I am is something that I have to feel ashamed about, or to hide. It sucks. Anyway I just thought I would vent. Thanks for reading.
 

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Well it has hard to tell people about S.A. Some people will understand it and some will not. I went through a phase, and let people know why I was acting weirdly... But most of the time I would get a awkward face and a look of confusion. So I don't even bother. I just let people think what they want to.

It is probably okay, that you let your boss know. I don't think he is allowed to use that against you... I think it would be called, discrimination. But I probably wouldn't let co-workers know, especially if you work in a place larger than 10 people. Because co-workers like to gossip, you tell one, and then suddenly everyone knows.
 

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Robot-Kitty:And I feel depressed that who I am is something that I have to feel ashamed about, or to hide. It sucks.

I wish that I could tell people about my SA, it sure would clear up a lot of unexplain lack of a social life experiences that I haven't had. I just had a panic attack at work a week or two ago and bascially lied to my manager saying that it was something bad I ate earlier. It really makes me depressed that I have to hide it. However, when I told my parents about SA it didn't go over well with them. The truth of the matter is that the majority of the population doesn't understand it and is ill informed about SA, so a reaction of confusion isn't surprising. But I give you a lot of credit for telling someone, bravo! Don't be so hard on yourself.
:sas
 

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I understand how you feel. I always feel terrible after I tell someone something personal about myself (like SA) when I don't know the person very well. I feel like i have just made a complete idiot of myself, then i worry for days about what that person thinks about me.
 
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