Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 20 of 32 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend, who was a shut-in who played video games 24/7 for 4 years, told me his dad gave him 2 weeks to get everything packed and that he was going to kick him out. He had severe social anxiety and depression for most of his life.

The main reason was that his dad's new wife was going to move in. My bf was on suicide watch for 2 years after a family friend helped him find a job. It took him 2 years to feel anywhere close to normal, but he can function normally now, still has his job and has only mild social anxiety. He told had his dad never kicked him out, he'd still be a shut-in and he knew nothing would have changed, it would only have gotten worse. He still feels alot of resentment that he had so little time to prepare and so little help and almost committed suicide, but he is better off now then he was before.

I'm beginning to believe the only cure for severe SA is extreme intervention by people who care. And that's the sad part, I think alot of people with SA are surrounded by enablers and that they'll never get the treatment they need unless they are determined enough themselves. But how can they be when they have basically lost the will?

Do you agree?
 

·
serious
Joined
·
340 Posts
Sadly despite people yelling 'you have to get out there and do it' until they are blue in the face, most SAers refuse to listen, either through disbelief or laziness, or lack of will.

So yes, sadly I agree, an enforced kick in the arse will help a lot.
Help, not cure.
CBT etc is needed to get at the core belief that is causing the SA, is really the only way to nip it in the bud.
There's plenty of different levels of SA, and some good old exposure does a lot of them wonders.

The flip side is that if he'd had something like undiagnosed bipolar on top of it, it could have ended badly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
454 Posts
maybe for extreme cases. where people are unable to leave the house, but for normal social interaction, only you can help yourself really.
 

·
Freedom is lurking
Joined
·
809 Posts
I agree with the part about being surrounded by enablers, as I have been. Had my parents threatened me somehow, and forced me to do stuff, I might be in a different place today. This is not to say that it's their fault I'm like this, because it isn't, but yes, sometimes a push and a kick in the butt can be good things. People should push themselves rather than wait for some external force to do it for them, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
291 Posts
I agree. I think we should have just been kicked out of home at a certain age. I am now cutting off all of my safety nets and either surviving on my own, or not surviving.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,996 Posts
I'm not sure. Desperation and despair may well oust sufferers into action though I wouldn't expect a lasting effect, I'd expect a scar. If you judged a functioning human being a cured man, that evaluation reminds me of the psychologists of world war one. Shutting ourselves away is to me a sign that the mind needs a chance to order itself to my eyes. When your boyfriend lost his home, I consider that the silencing of a person more so than the cure. I know I used to do things that terrified me and the rush was instantaneous I'd feel confident for a while afterwards.. Perhaps it would have cured me if I'd have kept it up. I wasn't constantly forced into it..... Perhaps.

in world war one soldiers were expected to return to the frontlines after being treated for psychological conditions. One of the requisites of their return was that they were expected to cease from self-destructive beheaviour. How does someone distinguish between someone going through the motions and someone engaging in self-destructive behaviour, on the frontlines? An electric shock every time the patient twitched isn't the way to my eyes when there is something fundamentally ill at ease beneath the surface. I think it would be a misunderstanding to assume because a man fears the outside, his problem originates there.

I'd be interested to hear more about your boyfriend.
Does he feel cured? Did the anxiety subsequent to being forced to do things wholly leave him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I'm not sure. Desperation and despair may well oust sufferers into action though I wouldn't expect a lasting effect, I'd expect a scar. If you judged a functioning human being a cured man, that evaluation reminds me of the psychologists of world war one. Shutting ourselves away is to me a sign that the mind needs a chance to order itself to my eyes. When your boyfriend lost his home, I consider that the silencing of a person more so than the cure. I know I used to do things that terrified me and the rush was instantaneous I'd feel confident for a while afterwards.. Perhaps it would have cured me if I'd have kept it up. I wasn't constantly forced into it..... Perhaps.

in world war one soldiers were expected to return to the frontlines after being treated for psychological conditions. One of the requisites of their return was that they were expected to cease from self-destructive beheaviour. How does someone distinguish between someone going through the motions and someone engaging in self-destructive behaviour, on the frontlines? An electric shock every time the patient twitched isn't the way to my eyes when there is something fundamentally ill at ease beneath the surface. I think it would be a misunderstanding to assume because a man fears the outside, his problem originates there.

I'd be interested to hear more about your boyfriend.
Does he feel cured? Did the anxiety subsequent to being forced to do things wholly leave him?
He doesn't feel cured, but he said he feels he can managed SA much better and it doesn't control his life. Being forced between living on the streets or facing his social anxiety and getting a job, he had no real choice. Its a good thing self preservation kicked in. He has little trouble meeting new people now though or talking to them and enjoying conversation. He still feels somewhat shy around new people but says it isn't a big deal like it used to be for him. I think its unrealistic to believe one can be entirely cured of SA I guess, not without big occurrences in one's life. It's alot like an alcoholic I think, you can prevent yourself from drinking with lifestyle changes and help, but the urge will always be there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'm not sure. Desperation and despair may well oust sufferers into action though I wouldn't expect a lasting effect, I'd expect a scar. If you judged a functioning human being a cured man, that evaluation reminds me of the psychologists of world war one. Shutting ourselves away is to me a sign that the mind needs a chance to order itself to my eyes. When your boyfriend lost his home, I consider that the silencing of a person more so than the cure. I know I used to do things that terrified me and the rush was instantaneous I'd feel confident for a while afterwards.. Perhaps it would have cured me if I'd have kept it up. I wasn't constantly forced into it..... Perhaps.

in world war one soldiers were expected to return to the frontlines after being treated for psychological conditions. One of the requisites of their return was that they were expected to cease from self-destructive beheaviour. How does someone distinguish between someone going through the motions and someone engaging in self-destructive behaviour, on the frontlines? An electric shock every time the patient twitched isn't the way to my eyes when there is something fundamentally ill at ease beneath the surface. I think it would be a misunderstanding to assume because a man fears the outside, his problem originates there.

I'd be interested to hear more about your boyfriend.
Does he feel cured? Did the anxiety subsequent to being forced to do things wholly leave him?
He doesn't feel cured, but he said he feels he can managed SA much better and it doesn't control his life. Being forced between living on the streets or facing his social anxiety and getting a job, he had no real choice. Its a good thing self preservation kicked in. He has little trouble meeting new people now though or talking to them and enjoying conversation. He still feels somewhat shy around new people but says it isn't a big deal like it used to be for him. I think perhaps, there is no true cure for SA. If you have it, it'll be there for the rest of your life, but you can stop it from controlling your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,537 Posts
I was 19 when told to either go to school or get out of the house. I've regretted again and again for years not opting for the latter. Perhaps things would have turned out differently for me, and I would be slightly more functional. This is my goal over the coming months. Hopefully I will be able to achieve it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
355 Posts
how many parents could actually watch their kids be homeless?

I think parents should start preparing their kids at ages 14-18 to be self sufficiant not just be lazy parents through those years and then all of a sudden give their kids 2 weeks to get out. that is not fair
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
121 Posts
I'm kind of in this situation right now - my boyfriend and I are in the process of splitting up, and I've realised that my whole life basically revolves around him - I moved away from home to be with him, we got a flat, job etc, and now I have to rewind 4 years and go back to my old 'teenage' life of living at home. When we first discussed it I totally freaked out because I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but it makes you sit up and take action, because like you say, it's that or I will just turn into a wreck and I'll get worse. I am now determined to look at the positives - being back with family who (hopefully) support me, I want to go travelling etc - it's so easy to become stuck in a rut when you are relatively comfortable. For me, discomfort/being FORCED to do something is the only way because I could never have made the move myself, I needed someone kick me up the backside!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
622 Posts
When I was a shut-in and refused to go back to school or work bc of my problems, from ages 22-about 27, my father told me many times to get out of his house , and I would respond "Where am I supposed to go?" I don't have any friends houses I can stay at, the little extended family I have is far away and I doubt they would agree to housing me, so where was I supposed to go? Should I have gone to a homeless shelter? But my situation was all screwed up bc I had a loving family who I could live with, they just wanted me to get out into the world.
My father told me I wouldn't last a few days out there in the street. I think that was the main reason he didn't succeed in throwing me out of his house. I didn't have anywhere to go, and my father believed that I wouldn't last out there. So, they had to put up with me.
He also said I was lucky to have him and my mom as parents, because any other parents, including his siblings, would have thrown me out of their house a long time ago.
Even though my father wanted to kick me out, where was I going to go?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,460 Posts
if that's the only real cure to s.a,if it's that easy it would imply that social anxiety is not a real disorder and everyone on this site is imagining their symptoms
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
guy just happened to need to be kicked out of home at that moment.. but it could have gone any other way..
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
I believe that it all boils down to the person, if the person is not capable of making that type of change in their life, then no type of support will help them. Some people can make improvement through whatever means, such as support like you mentioned, but many people do not get support from family, because their family cannot relate and do not fathom how serious the situation is. Some people cannot make improvement at all and have to learn to live with the SAD lifestyle and help themselves, knowing others just do not understand.

The problem is, there is no help for people with SAD who cannot make improvement for whatever reason and that is what bothers me. They simply have no hope unless they can find away to help themselves, because it is impossible for people to relate and then people who can get better move on with their lives. Even people who get support, the people doing the supporting cannot fully relate, I bet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
338 Posts
I think it highly depends on the person.

While I can see that forceful exposure for some people, especially in a situation of pure desperation, could end up curing a person, or rather forcing them to adapt to their new set of circumstances and just... change, I feel that forceful exposure could also push certain people straight over the edge and down one of numerous paths that could end up completely ruining their life.

I'm sure his Father saw him as more lazy than as actually having a problem or else he wouldn't have threatened to put his own flesh and blood on the streets.

I think that exposing oneself, little by little, and being more positive, and improving one's lifestyle like through diet and exercise, is going to be the best approach with the most long lasting results.

I do believe that some people need a little push. I've been pushed in the past, and while it temporarily did help me over the course of two years, currently I still have anxiety and am very much grateful that my parents never left me with the option of changing immediately or having to pack up my things. I know myself, and I know that would have done far more damage than good.

MrBik said:
The flip side is that if he'd had something like undiagnosed bipolar on top of it, it could have ended badly.
I can't quote this enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
There's a line between intervention and being an uncaring jerk who is only "helping" for themselves, though. One thing you can't do is suddenly force them to do tasks even if they're on the verge of a panic attack. That's just psychological abuse. You have to take it slow but it would be nice to be surrounded and reminded of the fact that you are to work on your social anxiety consistently.

I think some of the enablers didn't want to hurt their SAers but they didn't bother to come up with any ideas to actually help them either/knew that they would need to do steps with them and didn't feel like it.

Even if you don't feel like doing it yourself.. hire a coach? (Coaches aren't just for physical activity.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
How about these great parents try encouraging and helping their spawn develop confidence before it gets to the 2yr shut in stage?
Lazy parenting must be awesome,sit on your fat *** and watch your kid amount to nothing then kick em out,wow give em a ****ing medal.
Yeah... I would've had him go places with me and take some steps first...

I want to stress something I haven't fully tried yet - Statements to yourself. It works for some people. Never write a statement in the negative, though. I hear that results in the opposite of what you want. (Do not include "not" "don't" etc.) For example "I am a strong person" vs "I am not a weak person." Write about what you want, not what you don't want, and don't write in future tense, write in present tense.

Just saying statements like that over and over can help... and if someone wants to be advanced... (haven't tried this yet) self hypnosis or something. I think the most basic meaning of self hypnosis would be saying the statements (perhaps in your head since movement would make you unrelaxed) while in a relaxed, hypnotized/occupied state.
 
1 - 20 of 32 Posts
Top