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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is it, I am joining a forum about my very problem that holds me back from having any kind of a real life. Damn it, I have no clue where to start... so I will just start with me, who I am, where I come from, where I'm hoping to go, how I am hoping to get there, maybie someone can offer guidence to me, maybie not, but it will feel better knowing I am not all alone...


My name is Benjamin, I have been experiencing panic attacks since I was about 4 years old (terrible tragedy caused it I'm sure) and am not sure how to be any other way. I have been on medications, can't remember the names, but some worked a little, some just made me sick, some made me numb, but nothing ever seemed to be the right fit.

I found Freestyle BMX (freestyle bicycle moto-cross) to be my passion, well, I found 2 wheels to be my passion. I got heavily involved in riding to my own personal best and found it to be my fortae'. I rode from about 6 years old until about 18 years old, crashed a little, lost an internal organ, broke a few bones, but I was happy, I had friends, I was doing alright in school... I was living, well, at least a little.

At 18 years old the **** hit the fan (more than ever) so to speak, I ended up with a paraphernalia charge (marijuana pipe) and spent a little time in the clink, it changed something in me, it messed me up more, so to speak. I ended up getting further into a lifestyle I should have never lived, I got busted a few more times, saw some stuff I should have never seen, did some things I never should have done, basically lived harder and faster than anyone ever should and lived to tell the storys of such a life.

I have had a few relationships, I was the abused, not sure how that got so far out of control but I suppose I was just happy someone wanted to be with me, despite all my anxiety issues. Ignorance is bliss I guess. I am still feeling burned years later though, I suppose as usual, if Mrs. Right came along I would have no clue because of my anxiety about relationships, I am King ******* to anyone that wants to get close and the few friends I do have wethered the storm to be as close to me as they are today. I thank them every time I think of it, they help me remain me, although I feel as though I am not.

I do live alone (dreamed of it since I was a little kid, kind of a prodical son with ancxiety if you will) and do well for myself, I make it into the gas station down the street once or twice a week at most, there is not much else I do, so it helps a little, well, at least it feels like it does.

I have few friends, I can name them all off in one breath, I now it may be alot to most of you, but these people either have similar issues or have been there since I was a kid. They seem to see through my BSing and attacks and they can help me when I need it most, even if it is a beer buzz (I know it's not good but I have to get away somehow sometimes) or just take me out for a drive in the country.

It's been years since I worked, since I was in an intimate relationship, had sex! It's been a long time and I want out of this shell! I am sick and tired of being me. I am sick of being human!


When I turned 19 I found a passion in motorcycles and pursued it to the end, I became a professional level rider and reflected it in every way I possibly could, I suprised many, many, many, hardcore riders, I put myself out there as a force to be reckoned with and was doing well for a little bit, I made a few new friends, joined a few local people at local get togethers to ride and shoot the breeze. I started back toward living like an average human does, and then last August it all went so damn wrong I have to explain it.


I was in therepy for my anxiety and doing very well, doing my homework (going into places and reporting my feelings and problems, sorting them out, that kind of thing) and last August 7th at 9:37a.m. it all started it's slide back down to the bottom for me...

I was riding my beloved Suzuki Bandit 1200 and having a GREAT day! I was in the groove, I was in tune with the machine, but I was in a hurry although my Mom said to take it easy and get there when I get there. I was in a hurry to get to my counciling appointment, I was speeding slightly, and then it happend...

I crested a hill, the bike began to wobble like it had a thousand times before but this was diffrent... it was wrong... I gave it throttle (it usually helped) and it (the bike) went bat **** crazy, it wobbled so hard my feet came off the pegs (tank slapper) my arms moved like spaggettie noodles on the handlebars, I held it together as long as I could!!!

The bike loaded up one last time as it slid to the right from a "slap" to the right and I knew it was over. I felt the bike unload and throw me into the air and I let go of the bars instincually from my BMX days and as I was flying over the ground at 90mph I was thinking to myself as I watched my bike start to cartwheel, that I was a finished as a living organic being on this earth.

I hit the road hard, my gear saved me from horrible damage but didn't prevent the impact from tearing my left clavicle clean off from my rotator cuff and shoulder socket, then the tumbling began... I was getting the crap beaten out of my by the road when I started to slide on my right arm and felt it heating up, so I figured "roll over"... I was still going about 55mph at that point and started to rag-doll over the asphalt.

I came down hard on the back of my head (helmet saved me a second time) and my feet came down on one another and I felt the 3 metatarcels snap like twigs in my right foot as my left came down on it in my riding boots with such force it made me grunt audibly in my helmet. I thought I was broken beyond repair.

After I stopped tumbling over the road I lay there, feeling my right foot, both ankles, and my shoulder tingling, it was a familiar feeling from years ago, I knew I was all messed up...


I stood up on severly sprained ankles, broken bones in my foot, walked to the side of the road, layed down, and asked the universe to let me die. It didn't. A truck pulled up and a nice man got out and called me an ambulance and so starts my recovery from a near triple digit wreck, the end of my counciling, and my road back to the bottom.




It has been a good amount of time since my wreck, my anxiety took a hold of me again, I checked myself out of the hospitol 48 hours after the wreck because I couldn't afford it, deal with it, or get through it, I had to go, and I took care of myself for the next few months with very little help from my parents and little bro. (Mom, Brother, and Step Father)

I suppose I am looking for someone, anyone that can identifie with my plight. I get to the end of the tunnel, then I get dragged back in, I get almost there, almost to a manageable level of it, and then I am back at square one. I am at wits end, I am about to give it up. I am ready to move back home and accept I am just going to be like this forever, and I don't want that!

I WANT TO LIVE!!!




I look forward to meeting people that understand, alot have said they do, but they are not part of a community like this, please, if anything, offer some kind words, help me feel like I am not totally alone, I am begging you, make me feel real, make me feel like I am human, damaged, but human. I feel like I am all alone and I am so tired of it. I look forward to a reply...



Ben aka Grimm
 

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Hey Benjamin, welcome to :sas
 

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Wow! You've been through it all it seems. I'm glad you're wanting to seek help and turn things around for the better (just like me!).

Yeah, I'm glad we've both found this site. :) I agree, I hope we find others that can help us solve our problems, so we can manage them.
 

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Hello Grimm!- Stick around, people here tend to be very kind and interesting!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the welcome everyone, it makes me feel very hopeful about being here to have such quick responses. I'm already getting comfortable with this and that is FAST in my world. :D

hecknotechno, been through it all is an understatement, really, I have seen it all twice and then some. My little bro was dragged 3/4 mile by a car when I was 4 years old and I watched it happen... I am sure thats when the problems started, everything points to it and I am not self diagnosing here. It pretty much kicked off a non-stop heart racing, action movie, car chase, never ending, burn you to the wick life that has left me scared to live, scared to leave my apartment, and overall in amazement that with all the issues, with all the anxiety I have lived this long, made it this far, done so much! And still, after it all, want to give up. I need help and I am turning to the only people that I am willing to trust, the same people that hurt exactly like I do.

Again, thanks everyone, I am already finding identity with people here and finding hope. 2 hours ago I was driving through the back roads looking at the big, strong, sturdy tree's and wondering why through all the street racing in years long past (not drag, through corners) I never ate one at triple digits. I must be here for something and I need to be able to know when it comes, the only way to know is to be ready, and anxiety will only prohibit access to such a reason for being because I will only be afraid to live.

I am ready to live, I am ready to do anything it takes, all I need is the direction and I will go that way, no matter the cost, no matter the distance, I want to be myself again, the person that is so deep inside, the person that only my closest friends see, the person that is writing this right now, crying out for help, trying to make an aquaintence, a friend, anything to feel at all in the least bit real, even if it is over the internet.

Ben
 

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Hi Ben, i'm glad you've joined this forum. You'll find a lot of friendly, understanding, helpful people here. :)

Its awful everything you've been through, but you've survived it all so you must be a strong person who really does want to live. I hope your life will start going better from now on, and I hope being here will help you.

I really do understand what you mean about feeling like you are overcoming your problems only for something to come along and send you straight back to the start again. I know how frustrating that is, and it does seem hard at times to fight, but it has to be worth it in the end. It is great that you want to live, and are not willing to just give up, i'm trying to do the same and know how much of a struggle it can be, but it will be worth it in the end. :)
 

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Hi Ben, i'm glad you've joined this forum. You'll find a lot of friendly, understanding, helpful people here. :)

Its awful everything you've been through, but you've survived it all so you must be a strong person who really does want to live. I hope your life will start going better from now on, and I hope being here will help you.

I really do understand what you mean about feeling like you are overcoming your problems only for something to come along and send you straight back to the start again. I know how frustrating that is, and it does seem hard at times to fight, but it has to be worth it in the end. It is great that you want to live, and are not willing to just give up, i'm trying to do the same and know how much of a struggle it can be, but it will be worth it in the end. :)
Exactly what I was thinking. It's horrible what you've had to experience, Ben. You've had a rough life (to say the least) and I think it's amazing your desire to start living again. :) With your passion I know you can do it and that people on here, as well as me, can help you on your way to your goal. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wow, thanks for such a warm welcome everyone! I'm beginning to feel as though I finally belong somewhere, have a relation to someone, can feel like comfort is possible.

It's also very nice to know others are out there and not even that far from me! What a relief it is to know I am not the only one suffering like this and that healing is possible. I was indeed ready to give up, but, I am feeling like it was worth holding on.


As I grow accustomed to the forum I will become more active and learn more about how to cope, I am sure it will not be easy but I am more than willing to fight for my own personal well being.


I'm soooo glad I found this place and that everyone here is so understanding! Thanks so much everyone I appreciate it so much! Until last night it seemed only my family was understanding of my problems and had no way to help me, now, as I said last night, I feel I have hope.




Ben





oh and btw, I don't think I mentioned my age, but I am 24, but feel like I am in my 50's.
 

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Welcome, GrimmRider! :)

You can practice with relationships while hanging out here. :yes

Good luck :).
 
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