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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I didn't know where else to put this post so here goes...

I have an amazing fiancee. I had amazing friends. I have a somewhat amazing family.
I don't really care about them, though. if they died, I'm not sure I would cry. I cried at my grandmothers funeral but I don't know why. I tell everyone that I never went to visit her in the hospital because I'm afraid of hospitals. Really, I just didn't care.

I used to care. I used to feel things. Then SHE happened. I loved her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted to please her in every way I could. I messed that up, though. I've messed a lot of things up. Well, my lack of empathy has messed a lot of things up. I become so detattched from everyone and everything and get absorbed in things that, in the grand scheme of life, really don't mean much.

I can't remember feeling more empty and lost and devoid than I did a few months after the breakup. Before that was only pain and hopelessness. Like I was walking around in a dream. I hurt ppl in timeframe. Good ppl. Nice ppl. But I didn't care.

Something, I felt it, just turned off one day and I haven't been the same since. I immersed myself in things just to avoid contact with anyone. I hate myself but hate everyone else even more.

I've told my fiancee that I love her as much as I can but I'm not sure that part is even functional in me anymore. I still laugh at things, feel BRIEF instances of joy. But overall, I'm numb.

Until something, no matter how big or small, rubs me the wrong way. Then I lash out. Sometimes viciously. At people that don't deserve it. People that still love me anyway. I see them cry, listen to why I was wrong, an d I just don't care.

Something inside of me wants to fix this. Because, no matter how much love people show me, no matter how much they want to be around me, no matter how much they care. I don't.

Help...
 

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Welcome, IDontCare1984! :)
 

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Finding My Forever
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Sometimes I feel the same way. Its like I know what I am suppose to do it and I act it out to appease people but when they get close I push them away. I dont know how to give my heart to anything. Hell I cant even look a person in the eyes sometimes when they look at me. I feel they will get see the emptiness behind my eyes if they look. Its like I'm searching for this spark to bring me to life. I want to be important to someone is that really so bad for me to have?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
yeah. I wish I could give my heart to someone, too. I'm just not sure its an option anymore. I'm not sure it even works now. I wish I were dead sometimes... like, a lot of the time, actually. too scared to actually end it but sometimes wish I didn't exist. I don't FEEL alive anymore. I'm not even sure I remember what that even felt like.
 
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