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Hi everyone! My name is Krys and I'm a 26 y/o f and i strongly believe i have SAD. i've always been a really shy person...i first figured that i was different in kindergarten when i was unable to socialize with the other kids. i only talked to one boy and when the teacher would call on me to answer a question, i just blanked. i still recall an instance where all of us were sitting on the carpet and the teacher asked if i liked crust on my bread and i was too shy to answer. i turned red and put my head down.

my shyness has continued to this day. my parents somewhat sheltered me as a child because i was a girl. ive got an older brother and he speaks (does presentations) to multi-million dollar corporations for a living...my parents let him go with other family members all the time when he was little but they were very careful about not letting me out of their sight.

i didnt have a whole lot of friends in middle school or high school. ive always had a problem making and keeping them. im way better with one on one than in situations where there are more than one or two people. i was well-known in high school because i was attractive (sorry, not trying to be conceited). in college, i even joined a sorority to make new friends but quickly quit because i couldnt handle the pressure of talking in large groups even though it was all girls. i found excuses not to show up to events but in reality it was my social phobia.

i became a substitue teacher after college and decided to become a teacher. being a sub greatly facilitated my social phobias because i didnt have to talk to anyone...i could just go to a different school everyday and leave without making connections and making small talk (which i am SO BAD at!!!)

what ive written may be a little misleading to my personality. i really like people and talking with people as long as its one on one and preferrably someone caring and engaging. i dont like being in large groups unless its at a party where i can have a few drinks (and its at night/dark outside) before to ease my nerves. i like buddhism because it emphasizes that all humans are connected which i truly believe...but its really hard to feel connected with others when i feel uneasy around people.

i want more than anything to have friends and not feel like a freak because i cant open up and communicate. i got a job as a long-term substitute teacher and i am always avoiding talking with the other teachers because they all make jokes or small talk and i dont know how to respond... its incredibly uncomfortable. i leave during my lunch break to go home and eat and i leave as soon as possible after work to go home where i feel comfortable. i have a bf of 5 years and he keeps me from feeling too lonely but its not the same as having friends. i am terrified of having kids because i am scared they will be freaks and shy and introverted...i want to fix myself before i pass that on.

i hate feeling aqward in social situations. when i have an event planned, i dread it way ahead of time. for example, i have a work party on sat. and im thinking of reasons to back out. lately ive been experiencing chest pains, nausea, and headaches and the research ive done indicates its from my anxiety. its the first time ive had to interact with real adults, im forced to make small talk (which i usually cant do and then i end up feeling ashamed and embarressed and i play it over and over in my head), i have to be a role model and interact with students even though i dont always know the right things to say. ive had more stress than ever before. lately ive been feeling as though im at an all-time low and i cant take the pain i feel. it hurts...now literally and emotionally. i need help. i have no insurance so seeing a psych is not an option. im hoping to reach out to other ppl who have this and im looking into joing local support groups.

thank you so much if you've read my story.

-krys
 

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Hey Krys, welcome to :sas
 

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Krys, welcome to SAS! I also do better with talking to people one one one, depending on the person.
 

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Welcome, Krys! :)
 

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Hi Krys! I have SAD, so I too struggle with the awkwardness of social situations. In fact, a lot of what you wrote resonates with my experiences. I guess what I'm trying to say is...you're not alone. :) Welcome to the SAS forum!
 

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