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electric
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It takes time, and enough hope to overcome complete despair. Then you work with what you have, mixing yourself with your own labor. This investment is love, and makes you your own (to abuse some philosophy from John Locke ^_^).

Neverminding that, I think the question is: is this something you feel like you can handle on your own? If not, then despite all you've said, I'll still recommend getting help, since that would logically follow.

.... I think one thing you have to appreciate is that talking to us is a form of therapy, or at least that is the intention. If you believed talking to us might help, why not one much more knowledgeable?

But I know even writing that all out was probably helpful for you. Thinking about the problem is very different from avoiding it even if it doesn't feel like you're taking any action.
 

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♎ Mackinac Island Fanatic
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You can't ask us to provide you with the answers and the meaning...when you yourself say repeatedly in your post that you feel there is no point, and you see no point in trying. It's really up to you to find/make that meaning. We can't do it for you, all we can do is suggest things. :( And when you rule out all the suggestions we might offer you...there really isn't much anyone can say.

There are some contradictions in your post that are illuminating...

And the thing is, I know that whatever treatment I do will not help the level of Social Phobia I have because this is all I am and all I have ever been since the age of three and to "get better" would mean to develop a completely different person.
I know I could try but I just honestly feel that it won't help. I have been this way since I was three years old and I feel that it's become an irreversible part of my incredibly uninteresting personality.
To be honest with you I don't even know my personality. It changes a lot. I don't know my interests. I either come off as very hypersensitive or emotionally flat and rude. There is no in between.
What do I do. Please don't suggest therapy. I don't believe in it. It doesn't "get better" cause the truth is, I've never been better. I know what the world is like and there's no reversing that knowledge. And I'm not "here for a reason." I'm just here. Existing but not living.
How can therapy harm your personality, force you to become a completely different person, when according to your own comments you feel you have no personality to speak of...?

Don't rule it out so quickly. Sure, you probably think it won't work. And you might be right. But if you're not willing to at least TRY it, well...

I'd honestly prefer tragedy to the boring nothingness and emptiness that is my life.
I can't believe that comment, because you've written off therapy, you've written off hobbies and pastimes, you've written off almost everything there is, because you fear it won't work or might make things worse. You've resigned yourself to boring nothingness rather than stand up and face tragedy. I'm not criticizing you because I've been there myself, am there right now. But if you truly preferred tragedy to this nothingness, then you'd do something. You'd face tragedy.

Again, how do I become someone that I can be happy with?
I'm not being catty, I'm being honest. If you're sincere in wanting help, you have to open yourself to the possibility that it might be POSSIBLE to change/improve...and not rule out all the suggestions you're going to be offered, before people even offer them. :stu

One small way to start facing tragedy...how about you pick up reading and writing again, shove aside all those voices clamoring at you about how stupid you think you are, and just write? See what happens. If you show it to nobody, then nobody can judge you but yourself.
 

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Do you what you want to do, if you want to do nothing, then do nothing, but how can you do nothing? you're not doing anything.:blank






Mindf**ked you :teeth
 

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My life is a void; pointless. I'm so depressed, so empty, so confused and bored with my existence.
I think you have failed to recognize your true potential yet and that is what makes me sad when reading this. Life is a lot about how you look at things. Don't fall into the trap of comparing your life to other people's and assuming that your life is bland in comparison. Believe me, I have went on facebook and done it. In reality, you'd probably be surprised to see that many people are having much more boring/ "normal" lives than what it may appear they are.

I was in the marching band for three years in junior high school (ended up quitting cause of panic attacks) but that's it. That's all I have ever done. And people in there don't like me because I don't talk. I left a happy birthday message on a band member that'd graduated a couple years ago's page and she only liked it, but commented and said thanks to everyone else's.
I used to have panic attacks when I would have to attend the first day of classes at university. But I don't get them anymore, they went away over time. For me it was realizing that I was blowing things out of proportion in my head. I had to replace the negative thinking with more positive and rational thoughts. I went to a new city this summer for a French Immersion program. I didn't talk at first to anyone and no one would talk to me either. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because no one likes you because you don't talk. But this is irrational thinking. Would you just not like someone because they didn't talk? What I did was start talking to one person and then they talked backed to me. Please do not read into someone not commenting but only liking the birthday wish you gave them on facebook and stop caring about what they write on every one else's comments too. You are reading into things here most likely. I'm guilty of it too, but you will never know the real reasons (unless you ask the person of course) and chances are if you knew how little she thought into it, you would wonder why you wasted your time caring about it. Don't worry about someone not accepting a friend request on facebook either. That is a royal waste of energy, no matter what the reason you think they didn't accept it. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who didn't accept my request anyway.

I hate the word shy. There is nothing I hate more than people coming up to me and asking why I don't talk. I usually just scowl at them when they ask me that. I don't think I'm shy. I have social phobia and severe anxiety about being judged, yes, but that's not all it is, I have something else too: I just don't connect with people the way that others can. I feel like this is separate from social phobia and not because of it, and I won't believe anything else.
I can relate to you hating the word shy. I don't feel I am shy either. Social anxiety is a crippling fear of people and being judged by people, whereas people can still function more or less normal around others even if they are shy. Do you think the reason why you don't connect with people the way others can is because you have such a fear of being judged? I am like that. I cannot make close friends and have trouble connecting with most people because I am guarded as a result of the fear of being judged.

But I just want to do something in my life. Something that means something or and that feels like something and I'm wracking my brain but I can't think of anything. I want to be the reason someone smiles. I live in a small city and I'm moderately agoraphobic so I'm not too comfortable about driving so it isn't like I can do anything here. I'm still in high school. I don't have my license anyway. If I go to college, I'll go nearby, because I don't want to go too far away from my mother. I don't want her to miss me. I feel trapped here. I'm 18 years old, in my senior year of high school. Afraid to go to college cause of the fear of doing public speaking, presentations, and group work. And the thing is, I know that whatever treatment I do will not help the level of Social Phobia I have because this is all I am and all I have ever been since the age of three and to "get better" would mean to develop a completely different person.
You will do something in your life. You just have to have patience and presevere through the fear you feel. It will get better if you don't let the fear and negative thinking rule your life. Try to make it a point to be thankful for the things you have in your life. You can't possibly imagine coming from a smaller town than I did. There were 150 people in my school from Kindergarden to Grade 12. After I graduated highschool I went to a university that had 20 000 students, which was a huge change. I took a leap of faith because I didn't plan on leaving my hometown either. Admittedly I kind of copied my more confident sister who went the same year I did. But it is the best decision I ever made and I flung myself into it. So don't limit yourself. You would be surprised what you can achieve if you challenge the fear. "Getting better" means taking small steps each day towards what you ultimately want, even tiny ones. Don't expect everything to change over night. That is just setting yourself up for failure. Your situation is only irreversible if you put roadblocks in your own way by being negative about the possibility to change. So try to challenge that thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You can't ask us to provide you with the answers and the meaning...when you yourself say repeatedly in your post that you feel there is no point, and you see no point in trying. It's really up to you to find/make that meaning. We can't do it for you, all we can do is suggest things. :( And when you rule out all the suggestions we might offer you...there really isn't much anyone can say.

There are some contradictions in your post that are illuminating...

How can therapy harm your personality, force you to become a completely different person, when according to your own comments you feel you have no personality to speak of...?

Don't rule it out so quickly. Sure, you probably think it won't work. And you might be right. But if you're not willing to at least TRY it, well...

I can't believe that comment, because you've written off therapy, you've written off hobbies and pastimes, you've written off almost everything there is, because you fear it won't work or might make things worse. You've resigned yourself to boring nothingness rather than stand up and face tragedy. I'm not criticizing you because I've been there myself, am there right now. But if you truly preferred tragedy to this nothingness, then you'd do something. You'd face tragedy.

I'm not being catty, I'm being honest. If you're sincere in wanting help, you have to open yourself to the possibility that it might be POSSIBLE to change/improve...and not rule out all the suggestions you're going to be offered, before people even offer them. :stu

One small way to start facing tragedy...how about you pick up reading and writing again, shove aside all those voices clamoring at you about how stupid you think you are, and just write? See what happens. If you show it to nobody, then nobody can judge you but yourself.
I don't think therapy can harm my personality, since I don't have one. I don't have a problem with being forced to become a different person. All I was saying is that *that* is what I think and know it will take to get me to be happy with myself. And what I'm saying is that I don't think therapy will help me, because I don't think I'll be capable of getting to the point of being happy with who I am, or getting to the point where I actually am something, at least not by doing therapy. And there's also the fact that I have social anxiety and am too afraid to talk to someone in person about how I feel, because as I said, I have a hard time expressing my feelings face to face with someone. And a lot of time I get really confused about my feelings because my mind is so disorganized and loud and I'm terrified of being misunderstood.

Sometimes I get caught up with the way I word something... I feel it needs to be perfect. Like the way I say or word something might not be the way someone else would say it and I'm not good enough.

And you're right. There really is nothing you can say. I'm a terrible being, as I said. So asking someone to help me when I can't help myself is pretty stupid, isn't it. And I'm emotionally confused as I also said so I don't really know what I'm asking you guys exactly. This is just an effort I'm making to see if anyone relates. If you guys think I'm insane can you tell me please. I can accept that.

And there isn't any tragedy for me to face. Socializing with someone isn't a tragedy. Standing up isn't tragedy. It's just a fear that I have. And I have tried to write. I have tried over and over again. I can't shove away my thoughts. People say that all the time like it's possible, but I can't shove them away. They're there. They're who I am. Shoving them away would entail destroying myself.

By tragedy I mean something awful happening to me. Someone hurting me, something terrible happening to me. It's a sick thought, but it is what it is. If there still appear to be contradictions, then please inform me of them, because I'm not seeing them. Am I really that stupid that I can't see the contradiction? :\
 

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To be honest with you I don't even know my personality. It changes a lot. I don't know my interests. I either come off as very hypersensitive or emotionally flat and rude. There is no in between.

You are not alone in this. I am 26 and I still haven't got it all figured out yet. I definitely didn't know myself at 18 so you have lots of time left. Trust me it gets better.

I change my opinions on things based on what other people think and sometimes I'll try to find out as much as I can about a person that I'm idolizing, spending hours looking at their blog posts, songs they listened to, almost obsessively, and then I'll try to become like that person, and do the things they like, and say I like the things that they like, and the thing is, that after I've decided that I like them, I truly do feel like I believe in what they do, even if it's the complete opposite of what I thought I believed in before. Like politics, for example. .
I do this to and it scares the heck out of my boyfriend, because he thinks I am way to easily influenced. I believe this comes from not having a strong sense of self yet. I need to work on developing my sense of self for sure. That is something that I have neglected to do in my own life out of laziness coupled with low self-esteem. I would suggest trying to get to know yourself better and then stay true to who you are, when you have figured out who you are.

I'm so fake, everything I do, I question myself and ask "do I really like this or am I doing it just because someone else likes to do it?" Every time I do something I ask myself that. Every time. I don't even get any pleasure in any activities. I like writing and reading, but it's hard for me to concentrate when reading and I get frustrated and feel like I'm not smart enough or something and I feel so much pressure to get smarter that I could honestly hurt myself and then I just kind of shut down. Same thing with writing. I have so much pressure for it to be good that I end up thinking everything I write is trash and then I give up on it before I've even really gotten started..
I think being fake or not is a decision you have to make. You have to decide whether or not you are going to be honest with yourself. You are obviously really hard on yourself when it comes to reading and writing. I struggled with writing in university. I was an English Honours student too and would often stay up all night trying to make an essay good enough and work on it way too long, when it wasn't worth it. I didn't even earn any points for all that effort. You just have to try to be more confident in yourself and tell the nagging self-doubt where to go. I wish I had followed that lesson a two years ago myself, when I was stuggling to write my thesis.

Part (most) of me doesn't desire friendships or close relationships with people, not only because I'm insecure, but because it just doesn't feel *real*. I don't know how to explain that. Maybe I have Schizotypal or Schizoid in addition to Social Phobia. I don't know. Spending my entire existence thus far in solitude and avoidance and feeling too uncomfortable to show emotion has definitely messed up my brain. Permanently.
If you start to be more real with yourself, instead of fake and try to be more positive and stop reading wrongly into things in your head your ideas of yourself and other people may change. You may realize that other people care way less about the way you are acting than you think they do. Nothing is permanent in the world, even your current troubles. Every day brings new hope. Don't get lost in a sea of negative thoughts. Your situation is perfectly capable of changing if you let it.

What do I do. Please don't suggest therapy. I don't believe in it. It doesn't "get better" cause the truth is, I've never been better. I know what the world is like and there's no reversing that knowledge. And I'm not "here for a reason." I'm just here. Existing but not living.

I just CAN'T find meaning in a world where you have to look a certain way, have to be a certain way, to BE SOMEONE and to have people like you or care about you. WHY do I have to live this life. Why did I have to be this person. Why do I have to be so aware of how disgusting and fake this world and the people are? I don't understand it.

How do I become someon ethat I can be happy with? I honestly just want to die - I'm sorry if it's against the rules to say this, but it's how I feel. Life is so POINTLESS and I HATE IT. Everything annoys me. Emotion makes me feel so awkward and even annoyed, unless I have romantic feelings for the person, then I can express emotion through text, but not face to face. Not that I have experience. I've only had one online relationship. But I'm pretty sure that I would be emotionally flat in person, too, cause that's the way I have been with everyone else, no matter who they are. Family or best friend. I can't even tell my mother I love her.

Again, how do I become someone that I can be happy with? If you read all this then I sincerely congratulate you. I tend to ramble but I'm afraid of not saying something and having someone misunderstand me. I hate being misunderstood. I misunderstand myself, though, maybe. I don't know.
I feel like I've taken a risk in responding to this thread. The risk of being misunderstood by you and please forgive me if I have. Nobody is perfect and I can comment on here but I haven't walked in your shoes. I think you need to stop focusing on everyone else and what they think about you and start focusing more on yourself as a person. Try breaking out of your comfort zone every now and then. You need to stop viewing yourself through the distorted eye of what you think other peole think about you. A lot of your thinking is probably false in reality.

You don't give yourself enough credit or know how valuable you are. You probably have talents and hobbies that all get thrown on the back burner because you spend too much time obsessing over what other people think of you and over other people in general.

I had a hard time expressing emotion in the past too. I never really thought I would ever have a boyfriend because I kept a huge distance from people for a long while, until I met my boyfriend when I was 22. I met him and it changed my total perception on relationships. It became so easy to open up to him because I knew he accepted me.

Please don't waste your time worrying over things you have no control over, such as the opinions of others. I am guilty of it too from time to time, but have to remind myself to get a handle on it because what people think is ultimately out of my control to change. What you can control however is how you live your life; if you chose to do something or say something nice to someone, if you choose to smile even when you don't feel like it sometimes because it may brighten someone else's day let alone your own. You can control how you take care of yourself.

You need to try to make your thoughtlife a more positive one and don't let yourself be controlled negatively by fear. Repeat positive thoughts in your head if you can and never give up. There is always hope. Each day brings a new opportunity to be better and is essentially a whole new start.

Don't waste your time and energy worrying. Try to put your time and effort into things you like to do and things that make you happy. Try to build up your character and build up your confidence. You definitely have good qualities that you don't remind yourself of enough. Treat others well. Get to know yourself and be honest with yourself. You can't control if others are fake, but you can control what you choose to present to the world. Be thankful for what you have.
 

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And a lot of time I get really confused about my feelings because my mind is so disorganized and loud and I'm terrified of being misunderstood.

Sometimes I get caught up with the way I word something... I feel it needs to be perfect. Like the way I say or word something might not be the way someone else would say it and I'm not good enough.
I can totally relate to this. I have such a hard time expressing my feelings and a lot of the time when I'm nervous, I feel like my mind is a jumbled mess. I can really get hard on myself about wording too. The less I worry though, the more a conversation just flows naturally. It is important to surround yourself with people who are not critical, but understanding.

It is great when you get to the point that your mind calms down and you don't have to worry and you can just be free with your thoughts. I have gotten to that point now, for the most part. In highschool I never said a word hardly to anyone, but now I don't have half as hard of a time talking to people. I have just stopped caring about what they think a lot more than I used to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
The problem is that I'm nothing, guys. I'm nothing. I spend every day trying to make myself something. I listen to music. I write. Or try to. But I fail. I read things. I read books. I read about politics, try to comprehend it, try to form an opinion. I am so overwhelmed with trying to be something and I feel like I want to burst into tears or crawl out of my skin.
 

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electric
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The problem is that I'm nothing, guys. I'm nothing. I spend every day trying to make myself something. I listen to music. I write. Or try to. But I fail. I read things. I read books. I read about politics, try to comprehend it, try to form an opinion. I am so overwhelmed with trying to be something and I feel like I want to burst into tears or crawl out of my skin.
I have fought with trying to be someone I think I should be for a very long time, and it is very vicious. I have still not managed to completely avoid the temptation to think this way, but I know intellectually it is incorrect and I absolutely mustn't weigh my life or who I am against others. It is streng verboten! Dame, zettai!
 

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2 big suggestions:

1) go help someone else, you might discover pleasure and value in yourself when you're not obsessing over your own misery

2) what's fun for you? Surely there's something in life you perceive as being fun, even if you haven't done it yet.

Examples for me would be: sky diving, learning to jump on an MX bike, snowboarding, learning DJ skills and using an MPC, rally driving, water skiing, riding a horse, swimming with dolphins, etc, etc

You need something to live for, you need purpose, we all do, its an important part of being human.

The main point is: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, same actions, same results and feelings!

And when I say that, I mean I literally have done nothing.

I don't have any memories to look back on and say "that was a really good time" or "that was a really bad time." I'd honestly prefer tragedy to the boring nothingness and emptiness that is my life.

I spend a great deal of time fantasizing about death and tragedy.

I haven't had any meaningful conversations with people, can't show emotion, express affection... I've just done nothing.

My life is a void; pointless. I'm so depressed, so empty, so confused and bored with my existence.

I was in the marching band for three years in junior high school (ended up quitting cause of panic attacks) but that's it. That's all I have ever done. And people in there don't like me because I don't talk. I left a happy birthday message on a band member that'd graduated a couple years ago's page and she only liked it, but commented and said thanks to everyone else's. I added another girl from band, but she didn't accept my friend request. All because she thinks I'm mean, just because a friend of hers that was a friend of mine at the same time and who she was in a fight with at the time chose to share gossip about the fight with me, placing me in the middle of the situation, I guess. So I perceive that that's the reason she doesn't like me, along with the fact that I don't talk unless spoken to, making me appear to be pathetic, annoyingly quiet, shy, and boring. I hate the word shy. There is nothing I hate more than people coming up to me and asking why I don't talk. I usually just scowl at them when they ask me that. I don't think I'm shy. I have social phobia and severe anxiety about being judged, yes, but that's not all it is, I have something else too: I just don't connect with people the way that others can. I feel like this is separate from social phobia and not because of it, and I won't believe anything else.

But I just want to do something in my life. Something that means something or and that feels like something and I'm wracking my brain but I can't think of anything. I want to be the reason someone smiles.

I live in a small city and I'm moderately agoraphobic so I'm not too comfortable about driving so it isn't like I can do anything here. I'm still in high school. I don't have my license anyway. If I go to college, I'll go nearby, because I don't want to go too far away from my mother. I don't want her to miss me. I feel trapped here. I'm 18 years old, in my senior year of high school. Afraid to go to college cause of the fear of doing public speaking, presentations, and group work. And the thing is, I know that whatever treatment I do will not help the level of Social Phobia I have because this is all I am and all I have ever been since the age of three and to "get better" would mean to develop a completely different person.

I know I could try but I just honestly feel that it won't help. I have been this way since I was three years old and I feel that it's become an irreversible part of my incredibly uninteresting personality.

To be honest with you I don't even know my personality. It changes a lot. I don't know my interests. I either come off as very hypersensitive or emotionally flat and rude. There is no in between.

I change my opinions on things based on what other people think and sometimes I'll try to find out as much as I can about a person that I'm idolizing, spending hours looking at their blog posts, songs they listened to, almost obsessively, and then I'll try to become like that person, and do the things they like, and say I like the things that they like, and the thing is, that after I've decided that I like them, I truly do feel like I believe in what they do, even if it's the complete opposite of what I thought I believed in before. Like politics, for example.

I'm so fake, everything I do, I question myself and ask "do I really like this or am I doing it just because someone else likes to do it?" Every time I do something I ask myself that. Every time. I don't even get any pleasure in any activities. I like writing and reading, but it's hard for me to concentrate when reading and I get frustrated and feel like I'm not smart enough or something and I feel so much pressure to get smarter that I could honestly hurt myself and then I just kind of shut down. Same thing with writing. I have so much pressure for it to be good that I end up thinking everything I write is trash and then I give up on it before I've even really gotten started.

Part (most) of me doesn't desire friendships or close relationships with people, not only because I'm insecure, but because it just doesn't feel *real*. I don't know how to explain that. Maybe I have Schizotypal or Schizoid in addition to Social Phobia. I don't know. Spending my entire existence thus far in solitude and avoidance and feeling too uncomfortable to show emotion has definitely messed up my brain. Permanently.

What do I do. Please don't suggest therapy. I don't believe in it. It doesn't "get better" cause the truth is, I've never been better. I know what the world is like and there's no reversing that knowledge. And I'm not "here for a reason." I'm just here. Existing but not living.

I just CAN'T find meaning in a world where you have to look a certain way, have to be a certain way, to BE SOMEONE and to have people like you or care about you. WHY do I have to live this life. Why did I have to be this person. Why do I have to be so aware of how disgusting and fake this world and the people are? I don't understand it.

How do I become someon ethat I can be happy with? I honestly just want to die - I'm sorry if it's against the rules to say this, but it's how I feel. Life is so POINTLESS and I HATE IT. Everything annoys me. Emotion makes me feel so awkward and even annoyed, unless I have romantic feelings for the person, then I can express emotion through text, but not face to face. Not that I have experience. I've only had one online relationship. But I'm pretty sure that I would be emotionally flat in person, too, cause that's the way I have been with everyone else, no matter who they are. Family or best friend. I can't even tell my mother I love her.

Again, how do I become someone that I can be happy with? If you read all this then I sincerely congratulate you. I tend to ramble but I'm afraid of not saying something and having someone misunderstand me. I hate being misunderstood. I misunderstand myself, though, maybe. I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I've tried other things. I've tried swimming and horseback riding and shopping. No matter what I do it feels empty and takes so much out of me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I feel so worthless today. Does anyone want to talk to me (such a stupid question, of course you don't; I wouldn't want to talk to myself either, although I do sometimes), or does anyone have anything to add to this thread.
 

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I don't know. Spending my entire existence thus far in solitude and avoidance and feeling too uncomfortable to show emotion has definitely messed up my brain. Permanently.
I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I have trouble expressing how I feel near people and always less than others. Whenever I hear myself speak or express any ideas, I feel like I sound silly and stupid.

I have no idea how to go about changing myself these days. What the world demands of me, how it requests for me to act, and what to do, to be able to fit into various quarters of society is too much and requires me to forcefully change myself in ways that aren't feasible in my brain, simply because it is impossible for me to lie to myself and do things I don't want to do.

Take it from me, don't be so hard on yourself, and try to stop the onslaught and ignore it a little.

Yes the world can be a nasty place, especially from what it demands from us and how it tries to change us, and believe me, I resent that to the fullest, but time does heal certain wounds, and no matter how deep of a pit you feel you are in, things could be worse, as they could be better. The latter will hopefully come in time, though I shouldn't be giving any advice as I cannot follow it.

It's Friday night and yet again I'll be spending every minute of it all alone by my choosing while my friends drink and mingle doing "social things".
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I have trouble expressing how I feel near people and always less than others. Whenever I hear myself speak or express any ideas, I feel like I sound silly and stupid.

I have no idea how to go about changing myself these days. What the world demands of me, how it requests for me to act, and what to do, to be able to fit into various quarters of society is too much and requires me to forcefully change myself in ways that aren't feasible in my brain, simply because it is impossible for me to lie to myself and do things I don't want to do.

Take it from me, don't be so hard on yourself, and try to stop the onslaught and ignore it a little.

Yes the world can be a nasty place, especially from what it demands from us and how it tries to change us, and believe me, I resent that to the fullest, but time does heal certain wounds, and no matter how deep of a pit you feel you are in, things could be worse, as they could be better. The latter will hopefully come in time, though I shouldn't be giving any advice as I cannot follow it.

It's Friday night and yet again I'll be spending every minute of it all alone by my choosing while my friends drink and mingle doing "social things".
How do I ignore it, though? What else am I supposed to focus on? I just. I just can't. I don't know how. I hate everything about myself. Literally everything. I can't get enjoyment out of anything because I can't stop hating myself and I'm miserable in this world. Nothing's happened to me to make me feel this way... yet I've felt this way since I was 10 years old. And now I'm 18. It's never going away.

Thank you for your advice. I just don't know what to do.

I almost wish things were worse. Maybe then I wouldn't be so boring.

What an awful and probably ignorant statement but it's how I feel.
 

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youre 18, almost graduated high school, and saying you've done nothing with your life? hah..what did you expect to have accomplished LOL?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
youre 18, almost graduated high school, and saying you've done nothing with your life? hah..what did you expect to have accomplished LOL?
Well. I'd like to have at least had a conversation. I haven't had one real conversation in 18 years. Not able to tell my mother I love her, not able to get close to anyone.

I'd like to have had friends. I'd like to have attended events and dances at my school the way everyone else did; or gone outside my state on vacation, learned how to play an instrument, developed some kind of hobby, or skill, but nope, I haven't. I haven't accomplished anything. I have no good memories to share with anyone. There's just nothing. Nothing except memories of the death of family members, a car crash, being in the band, quitting the band because of having panic attacks, depression, social phobia, agoraphobia, and that's it. That's all of my memories right there. I'm 18, yes. 1/4 of my life is over with and I wasted it and now I'm permanently screwed up because of not developing proper social skills and emotional skills and what not.
 

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Well neither have I done most of those things and I don't really care. You are just attaching meaning to those things, yet contradicting yourself by saying all of this is pointless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Well neither have I done most of those things and I don't really care. You are just attaching meaning to those things, yet contradicting yourself by saying all of this is pointless.
Whatever. I'm sick of everyone saying I'm contradicting myself. I'm not.
 
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