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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first time really talking to anyone about this in detail... I feel like I can't talk to family because they'll think it's all in my head and that it's like flipping a light switch on/off. I don't have many close friends. My husband knows the gist because he lives with me (obviously).

So... I had my first child in the Summer of 2012. Before this, I was a happy go lucky person, a party girl, and didn't give a rat's behind about what anything or anybody had to say/think about me. After becoming pregnant, I think the OCD started. I obsessed over doing everything I could to make sure my baby was healthy because 9 months prior, I had had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. After having my child, I slowly started to have more odd tendencies I never had before. I brought it up with my Dr. at my postpartum follow up and they said it's just new mom anxiety and gave me depression meds. I didn't take them more than once because they made me pass out asleep while caring for my newborn alone.

Anyway, as time goes on, I see my GP about some of these odd tendencies. He diagnosed me (as best as a GP can anyway) with OCD and anxiety and gave me a referral to a therapist. I went once and never went again. I felt the lady was condescending and wasn't really interested in what I had to say. Plus it was an hour drive and there are no closer therapists near me that I can afford. The last one, I was 2 days away from my appointment when the receptionist calls me and tells me my copay is $350.00 so I canceled.

My symptoms are mild compared to others. I have OCD about cleanliness and dirt/germs as well as about my kid's health. I was never ever like this before. I mean sure I kept a tidy house but now if my house is kind of cluttered, I HAVE to clean it or I get anxiety about it. I have a morning routine I have to follow to a T that involves cleaning. My husband is annoyed by it and often tells me to calm down and stop, that it doesn't need cleaned right this second. But it sends me into a manic mode where I feel like it MUST be done right then and there. When I get upset, I start power cleaning the house while blaring music and won't calm down and stop until either the whole house is spotless or I wind down.

The social anxiety is the type where I just comb through all my interactions with people and focus too much on dumb details. Did I sound too serious? Did I smile at the right time? Maybe I shouldn't have said that... I had to delete my FB for this very reason. I dread interactions with friends or family that I'm not close with. Why? I'm not sure... maybe because I feel like they aren't like minded and therefore will judge me? For example, I've been called "anal" before behind my back because of things I do (like not allowing my toddler to eat junk food or avoiding ALL caffeine while pregnant). I also absolutely dread phone calls because of the awkward silence that happens every so often. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and don't enjoy the company of strangers/acquaintances and being bombarded with personal questions to begin with. Or that when I get nervous I start talking a mile a minute and then people are annoyed by that.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe some support? But I felt this was as good an introduction as any and it felt good to finally get that all out.
 

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I don't know much about OCD but I can relate to the anxiety symptoms you mention - I not only go over my interactions as well; I also rehearse what I am going to say ahead of any interactions. Really throws me for a loop when a conversation doesn't go the way I planned!

Perhaps it might be an idea to try a different medication to find one that works well and doesn't knock you out? Just a thought as if you weren't this way before and it is related to hormonal/ chemical changes due to pregnancy, you might respond quite well.

Kizzie
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you, Kizzie. If I recall, I think OCD is treated with anti-psychotic meds and my GP specifically told me he doesn't like to treat that kind of thing as he isn't a mental health professional. He has given me depression meds but I've tried all those under the sun as a teen due to an abusive relationship.

My OCD doesn't bother me as much as the anxiety though. My OCD compels me to clean and organize my own living space but otherwise doesn't affect me. The anxiety is just awful though. When I had FB I would spend hours laying in bed thinking about my interactions with people and analyzing them (in a bad way). I've gotten better since removing myself from social media. I'm kind of a hermit :/ I can't decide if I want to interact with people or just want to be able to interact with people when I have to without having anxiety about it later.
 

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Sounds like you have some form of PTSD triggered by your miscarriage. I'm a perfectionist and can be anal with some OCD tendencies. It can be damn exhausting not to mention severely limits my enjoyment of life. My personal opinion is that SAD, GAD, perfectionism, and OCD are all related in some way; that we've become hyper-sensitive to our environment whether it's people or things and that we have an overwhelming urge to "control" our surroundings.

Oh yeah, welcome!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
The odd thing is, it just hit me earlier today that I could have PTSD due to my miscarriage. It was extremely traumatic. But a lot of the symptoms don't fit me (like flashbacks, anxiety when thinking about it, etc...) I know for certain that that's what triggered my OCD though. It doesn't bother me too much. Although I know it annoys those around me.

Generally, my OCD tendencies are keeping my house tidy and organized when I wake up and before bed (I have learned to let go during the day a little as I have a toddler and literally can't clean as fast as she destroys), ensuring there's nothing germy or nasty laying around (old wash cloths, shoes, old food, pretty much anything my toddler shouldn't be licking), and being a health fanatic with my 2 year old which I'm not sure is a bad thing (ie no soda, no fast food, avoiding artificial ingredients). The only time it bothers me is when I'm upset and go into the manic cleaning mode.

And thank you for welcoming me :) Sorry I blasted you all with a wall of text for my intro but thank you for taking the time to read it as well.
 

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Welcome, Yamon! :)
 

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HI Yamon - The anxiety IS awful isn't it? And when someone tells me to "just relax" or "lighten up" I know they've never had a bad case and simply don't understand, but it still really rankles.

It's great that you did have a time in your life when you were happy-go-lucky person, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home so it has been part of me forever, sometimes it's fairly mild but then will ramp up when I encounter certain triggers (mainly personality disordered people). Anyway, I have been on an anti-depressant for quite some time which did help with my depression, but not my anxiety. Recently when I started having panic attacks and high anxiety my T reduced the Prozac and added 20 mgs of Celexa which is an anti-anxiety med. I've been on it for almost a month and am feeling so much better. I am not having panic attacks now or a lot of anxiety any more. Just thought I'd mention it as you said you had tried most anti-depressants with little success, but perhaps you can ask your GP about anti-anxiety medication. There's also an anxiety workbook which might be helpful if you can't get to a T or don't want to try anti-anxiety meds - http://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245530/?tag=viglink127378-20. I have checked out the Resources forum but I'm sure there are a lot of good suggestions there.

I should mention that I chuckled when I read - "I have learned to let go during the day a little as I have a toddler and literally can't clean as fast as she destroys" - so true isn't it?! I am a bit of a perfectionist (surprise), and when my son came along I tried valiantly to keep the pots and pans in order, the dishcloths folded, etc ..... and eventually gave up and gave in to enjoying watching him discovering the world and leaving chaos in his wake. Great memories now but it was a struggle to let go as I like order and toddlers have a way of sweeping that right out the door lol.

Good luck with finding what will help you!

Kizzie
 

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Welcome yamon!!! I understand your issues with SA because I suffer from similar symptoms. In fact, I had to deactivate my fb account for the same reasons you had. This forum will provide a great resource for you and outlet. No one will judge you here.

I wish you nothing but success in your SA journey. It's a gradual learning process, so do not get frustrated.
 
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