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After going through a crummy day (I will spare you the details) that would remind me of my percieved inferiority, I come home and dwell on events and situations from the past in my mind that I regret greatly, which make me feel physically sick and hatred for myself.

My whole body tightens up, I squint my eyes , my eyes are watery, I feel like screaming in a rage and hitting things, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot cry. I feel like im always on the verge of crying, but it never happens. Its like expecting a sneeze to happen, but you choke up because you didn't sneeze. It seems almost uncontrollable. All I can do is let out coarse grumbles and coughs.
I want to cry because it would provide a quiet and safe release for this...'tension'. But all I can do is curl up on the floor and gouge my head with my fingers. Because of this, I'm tempted to use other physical means of self harm, but I won't, because I know that would make my problems worse in the long-run.
Maybe its because I feel angry and depressed at the same time?
I wonder how I can start crying again?
Anyone else have this problem that want to share their experiences?
 

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I graduated high school several months ago. My entire school career from kindergarten to senior was so hard do to my SA that I had to be extremely strong to make it. (I still have this strength and it is the only good thing my SA has ever given me) I didn't have the luxury of crying. After I graduated I found I no longer knew how to cry. No mater how sad or depressed I was I just couldn't cry.

Then a couple days ago I was lying in bed trying to sleep and thinking about my problems when I just started crying out of no where. I cried for 5 hours strait and haven't been able to cry since.

I don't know how much this will help you but I thought I would share my experiences with you.
 

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This is my worst feeling too. Most of it is from all my years of school,asi got older people got nicer and more mature towards me but it diddn't matter because by that time i had extreme panic attacks.Man i was tortured in school,and from other kids.Actually a couple of days ago i read someones journal from my past,this is a journal from a year ago that i was a "****ing wierdo".I realized that i was wierd but to say "****ing wierdo"and other things, from not too long ago for all their friends to read and anybody else. Anyway it is still going on,ill never escape this i got one more evil memory,when i read this the rest of the horrible memories from my past flooded to my brain,and one thats not caused directly from sa.

This makes me feel like a worthless piece of dirt.
This is the mail reason cause almost everything i regret and it wont stop happening.
 

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Nihlanth,

I kind of have the same expeirence as Josh with the crying thing. It happens all of a sudden and it lasts for a while, depemding on what I think about.
 

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i cry a lot, but if i'm around people i don't and i get really bad headaches. i'm not sure what can make you cry, movies/music probably wouldnt work after a 5yr drought.
 

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Nihlanth,
I've felt the same way. I get nice and numb most of the day because I spend countless hours on an Internet and TV-induced coma, like a trancelike state. It's always in the summer when this happens, when I rarely ever leave my house. I am severely depressed but can't cry at this time of the year even when in the middle of the night, I would always stay up with my awful thoughts and feel like I'm on the verge of crying.
Then I start the school semester, and because I'm being forced not to isolate myself from people and have to be around normal people, I start to come out of my numbed state... and I cry almost every day, many times even at public places, embarassingly enough. Like on the long bus and train rides on the way to/from school, places where I have way too much time to think and my mp3 player and book just don't offer enough of a distraction. I try really hard to fight back tears in public and not be obvious, but it doesn't always work. And this has been happening for like 5 years, I often can't control where the crying starts. I cry way too much during the school year, sometimes in school bathrooms, in walks through the city. It's crazy and embarassing when in public. I cry myself to sleep lot too in the winter. Maybe this is a seasonal thing, who knows.

Anyway, is there any music you find really moving? Curling up in bed listening to good depressing music that express how you feel can help release some of that tension.
 

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I sometimes feel that way. It has been the opposite lately. I have been really stressed and my gad has been bad. A couple of times at work I have been close to actually crying, which obviously wouldn't have been a good thing. If I could just go home and cry that might be nice release of tension, but it doesn't seem to happen that way.
 
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