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What do I do?? I really need some advice. Obvious answer: Quit. Look for something else. But what?

Anyway, I have worked retail all my life.. Having pretty bad anxiety I didn't enjoy being around people all the time and having to constantly interact. I noticed that I was comfortable around old people, so I started looking for care home work, as I would be more relaxed (hopefully) and would be able to help people. The job isn't what I expected at all.. I thought I would just be working with fairly independent old people, but instead I am working in a place where 5 out of 7 of the residents don't speak.. Which is fine, I love the guys we look after. That isn't the problem.

As with everything, my anxiety and depression are the problem, and they give everything a negative tint. I have been there almost 4 months now and I am still very uncomfortable around my colleagues. I am constantly feeling stupid and guilty for not talking to anyone. This really takes it's toll on me, it is a stressful job already, but when I am told I don't interact with the residents enough I just feel so bad. Having anxiety is all I can think about... I can barely talk to my colleagues or residents because I feel like I am being negatively judged all the time. I don't talk in staff meetings and feel like I seem really rude. I wish I could just be happy to have a job and that I am apparently doing a good thing.

Another thing is that the management just treat us like crap. In particular they boss me around cos everyone is so much older than me. They get me to make their tea and coffee when they are more than capable, but never offer to get me a drink in return. Today I was told off for making my lunch half an hour before the guys have theirs. Cos apparently we have to eat at the same time. Even though I have to eat at 6.30 before I walk to work to get there for my morning shift. So I go 6 hours without food and feel weak and crappy.. We don't get any breaks. We don't get any thanks. Once a week we have to sleep at work on a horrible fold up bed which is worsening my back issues. We are lucky to get any sleep cos the residents shout during the night.

Also, as I am "timid" not all the residents listen to me. One guy is blind and he likes to just sit himself down when you are trying to get him ready for the day. He did this to me once on a hard floor and I am so scared of dealing with him now in case he hurts himself and I get sued or something. Though the guilt would be worse.

I am just treated like crap. Today I felt like bursting into tears. On top of this my colleagues ***** about each other and me. I can't trust anyone I work with. I dread work everyday. Is this really worth minimum wage?

I don't know what sort of work I could move on to.. I feel like my mental health just won't allow for me to work full time. I can't escape depression and anxiety. I'd feel so weak if I left now though. I wanted to help people, but I can't do anything. I know now that I couldn't be a teacher (this is something I was considering, as it would help people and also make use of my otherwise useless English Lit degree)

Now that I am disillusioned with the idea of helping people, I move on to considering career paths or even just hobbies that lead towards my other concern in life: that of creativity. I love films. Particularly kid's films, or just innocent, emotive films. I also love costume and theatre. And writing. God why did I pick this degree? Wish I could be a director or something.. I feel like I have so much potential but am too depressed/anxious and thus incapable of using it.

Any advice would be great. Hey, I am just glad if you even actually read this. Which probably nobody did.
 

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Sorry you are having a rough time. :rub Maybr you should invest some time in those hobbies. Who knows? Nothing bad can come out of it. As long as you still have dreams, that is great.
I wish I could change my job as well. Damn SA and the fact there are very few jobs out there, stop me.
 
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