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I'm new to this forum and i find this forum just to tell people what i'm feeling. Have been holding everything too long, it's affecting my mental health too much.

I've always been obessive of the past. Everything was so better back then. But I started to feel kind of '' depressive '' at times when I enter junior high school. Because that is the time when i began to lose everything and everyone important to me. My brother, my sister,... some of my friends, they just grow up and grow apart from me. I started to building up walls for everyone. I could laugh, could joke around with my classmates but I didn't want anyone to get to know me too much. I always thougt that they would start to walk all over me again. However, that class of mine was different, they made me feel much more optimistic. And there was this girl who kind of '' like '' me but I don't want she to have anything with me at all. I'm afraid if i she made me feel anything special about her. She would start to forget me like all my friends did in the past. But I don't know how I just kind of automatically got closer to her (might be due to the fact that i've never received that much caring from a person. My parents were not anywhere near good at ''parenting'' though).My parents once told me that I should focus on studying and less on friends because when we grow up, we would grow apart, everyone would have their own ways and everyone would forget everything. I didn't belive it at all at that time. I thought to myself that '' my class is different, I can feel '' true'' friendship at my class, we will never grow apart '' However, when junior high school ends. I started to feel we are growing apart. I'm afraid again. We started to talk to each other much less. Some of them just straight up don't reply posts. and the girl that I mentioned above. She started to grow apart too. I can see everyone is growing up, having new friends, having their own life. At times, I thought that the kind of feeling i've got toward that girl is just something like a silly crush of a kid. However, years passed and up until now, I feel like I'm loving her more and more each day. I can see her growing up and I can see her growing apart from me too. We rarely have any class reunion to got to see each other. I hate how she is becoming an indispensable part of my life and how she is knocking my walls down without even talking to me too much anymore. I always have this impression that she's fed up with me now. I've always been the one who talk first, the one that ask questions and sometimes she answered only one question out of three of my questions. It's like she do it just to not to be rude and she is going abroad to continue her study too.

I lost my brother, my sister, my cousins my childhood friends grew apart from me. I'm losing my junior high school friends. I can't get close to my new friends as I did to my junior high school friends. I can't share my story to my parents and now if I lose her I don't even know what kind of person I'm going to be.

It's funny how time always manages to find a way to **** on everything I love :| I'm starting to believe what my parents told me. Is it human's nature to walk all over everything when they got new friends, new life ? I used to be social and loved to befriend with a lot of people. Not anymore now.

I've become extremely obsessive about the past. I spend hours at night to read things that I wrote in the past or replay the tape of my life in the past in my head

I know this post is long :( I'm sorry if I'm bothering you guys but I don't have anyone to tell these stories to. And if you read this. Please keep it to yourself. I don't want anyone to know it other than you guys.

I really appreciate your time here reading my words :) I'd love to see some advice from you.
 

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Hello. One thing you must know is that the changes you have witnessed in your life are all examples of a fundamental, unchanging, eternal truth of the way things actually are. If the world has one rule, it must be that everything changes.

The difficulty you are experiencing is that you want things to be different than they way they naturally are. This is completely natural based on what you have experienced in your past, but clinging to things and/or wanting things to always stay the same leads to suffering. Until you understand this one truth, peace will be elusive. Life (and all aspects of it) will run from you because life refuses to be pinned down; it refuses to not be allowed to grow, which always requires some form of change.

Please know that this is not meant to be negative or depressing. It's just the way things are. Spring will always become summer no matter how much we might want it to stay spring. Beautiful red roses are designed to become faded, withered, and to finally return to their source. They can't be otherwise. Only the one true thing, the one ever-present, never-changing thing stays the same. But what that true thing is can't be learned by anyone except ourselves, each of us in our own time.

It isn't up to the world to "fix" itself according to our wishes, because it's already fixed. It is up to us to see how things are in their true nature and then act in harmony with this. There is great joy in accepting that things are fleeting, and with trusting that we are a part of something amazing, which is life with all its joys and sorrows.

It sounds as if you currently have a misunderstanding as to what change is, and that you have come to see all change as being bad. This view will not lead you to peace and happiness, nor will living in the past ever allow you to enjoy the beauty of the present moment, which is where all the good there is happens.

It is true that we will have some people in our lives as long as we live, such as family, very close friends, spouses, etc. But it almost seems like you are clinging so much to things out of a fear of losing them that you may actually end up chasing them away. It is wonderful for those we love to give us a hug, but if they try to cling to us in a bear hug we will always feel trapped and will resist in order to breathe freely.

The best that anyone can do is to be at peace with how things are and enjoy what is when it is, because everything has its own time and place. Meditation is a great way to be still and experience the truth about things such as ourselves, other people, human nature, and ultimately the truth that all things are absolutely perfect just as they are. Please don't let the knowledge that the rose will soon pass away stop you from enjoying its beautiful color and aroma.

P.S. Try your best to be patient in letting yourself learn these lessons. It may take awhile, but the awareness of these truths will make your life easier in uncountable ways, and will lead you to a happiness you won't be able to express in words. Best of everything to you.
 
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