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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'll speak for myself, but maybe some of you would relate.

I was thinking that in today's world, in which the importance of beauty is increasing more and more each and every day, isn't it natural for me - an un-beautiful young girl - to be socially anxious?
True; it doesn't explain, for example, my great fear of telephone calls. But in most of the time, when I think about it, I truly believe that if I was beautiful, I wouldn't have social anxiety.

I'm thinking - how is it possible not to have it when all your life "good" people are making sure you'll get the message that you're not beautiful? When you know you're being judged by you're appearance?
I mean, isn't it logical?
It is a very depressing thought, but I'm starting to really believe in it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that attractive people don't have social anxiety. I know it's not true. But, as for me, I'm wondering if it's only natural that I feel this way.

What do you think about the connection between social anxiety and appearance?
 

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I've been thinking about this, too. I think our appearance only affects our SA if we value appearances. If we ourselves take great note of the way people look, it's natural for us to assume that others do, too. If we feel we look bad, we think that others will think so about us, too, and I think it makes us withdraw under that assumption, even if it's not true and other people don't think that way.
 

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Low self-esteem triggers and maintains social anxiety. It can't cause it, but it can prevent any real progress.
You're not judged soley by your looks and there's no reason you deserve to be socially anxious just because you're unhappy with your image. There are some good looking people here and I'm sure they've gone through much of the same emotions the rest of us have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I've been thinking about this, too. I think our appearance only affects our SA if we value appearances. If we ourselves take great note of the way people look, it's natural for us to assume that others do, too. If we feel we look bad, we think that others will think so about us, too, and I think it makes us withdraw under that assumption, even if it's not true and other people don't think that way.
But... everyone values appearances, in one way or another. Even when someone's saying that they're not, it's not true cause it's always there, in front of your eyes, and you see if the person in front of you looks good or not and it affects you, and it's a fact that attractive people are being treated so much better.
It's hard for me to explain it in English, but I guess you know what I mean.
 

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Yeah, I guess it's natural to treat better looking... anything better. I suppose being/feeling ugly has a different effect on people with SA then. Non-SA ugly people may be like 'meh, so what?', but it affects us way more - to the point that we withdraw and don't want to be seen? I dunno, what do you think? I'm just theorising.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yeah, I guess it's natural to treat better looking... anything better. I suppose being/feeling ugly has a different effect on people with SA then. Non-SA ugly people may be like 'meh, so what?', but it affects us way more - to the point that we withdraw and don't want to be seen? I dunno, what do you think? I'm just theorising.
Yeah, I think you're right. It's a vicous circle.
 

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Little Winged One
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Well,I agree with your post,it's particularly difficult for women,especially as they age. However,I believe it's mostly about what you value in yourself and not allowing your value to be determined by others. Looks will fade but the work you do on your internal self does not. I've seen people that I initially felt were unattractive,but as I got to know them better I saw them in a different light. People that rely soley on their looks usually end up a joke and very disappointed with their lives.
 

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When I first started noticing social anxiety, I did not fit the social ideals of attractiveness. My family told me that I dressed like a slob and I always had messy, unkept hair. Over time, I think I have improved my overall physical appearance by a lot (again, by social ideals) and I often get complimented on my hair and my clothes. I feel more confident than before, but I really don't know if it has anything to do with my appearance. I still have social anxiety, and I don't think it has improved too much. While it is sad that people generally treat attractive people better, I think that not being able to communicate properly is a bigger problem than attractiveness.
 

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Little Winged One
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When you're focused on your appearance it tends to greatly inhibit your personality. This ensures that your appearance always takes center stage.
 

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dirt person
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I've been thinking about this, too. What's weird is that I don't worry about my appearance so much when I'm by myself, but I still feel like I don't deserve other people's attention or friendship because I'm not pretty enough.
 

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it kind of goes both ways

I don't think I'm ugly. Lots of people tell me I'm really pretty. I don't think I'm the most attractive either - low self esteem, but I'm okay, I guess. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyway. I get lots of attention from men, and it makes me SO self conscious. If I walk into a room, they'll just stare at me and it's so uncomfortable. It actually doesn't bother me that much if they try to speak to me, but the ones that just ogle and don't say anything...I hate that so much. Plus with the fact that I have SA, I guess I put off a "unapproachable" vibe, so a lot of people think I'm a stuck up b***h, but in reality I'm the sweetest person if you get to know me. I find that I dress down, and never wear make up and wear my hair in a bun or ponytail just so I don't get the unwanted attention.
 

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isn't it natural for me - an un-beautiful young girl - to be socially anxious?
True; it doesn't explain, for example, my great fear of telephone calls. But in most of the time, when I think about it, I truly believe that if I was beautiful, I wouldn't have social anxiety.
No, it is not natural for you to feel socially anxious because of your appearance - there are many confident ugly people and shy attractive people (no, really).

However, it is very natural for people with social anxiety to think themselves un-attractive - you describe yourself as "un-beautiful" without explaining on what basis you have come to this decision.

As for beleiving that if you were good-looking you wouldn't have SA, that is really just not true. We often think that if only we could have X, our SA wouldn't be so bad, because we cant imagine having X and having SA at the same time, but then if we get X, we find our SA not improved at all - there are plenty of attractive people with SA.
 

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People are always claiming that they wouldn't have axiety if something or other in their life were different, however that is always a false conclusion. Your anxiety is habit of thought that you need to break out of and if you keep pointing out what you see as deficiencies in yourself you are only opperating in a way that promotes that habit.
 

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My lack of confidence in my appearance definitely didn't cause my SA, but it did contribute to its development. In 8th grade, I got chicken pox for the first time, and I was REALLY sick. I had pox every possible place you can imagine and then some (I won't elaborate any more than that...)! Anyhow, when I finally got better, I was left with about 8 or 10 deep crater-like pockmarks on my face. I was never really that overly-conscious about my looks before then, but all I could see was the awful scars.

I tried all sorts of scar creams and even skin vitamins, but nothing ever worked. So I wore like an inch of makeup everyday, no matter how long it took me to apply it. I don't think the scars are really much less noticeable now, but I've just gotten used to them. I've started wearing makeup regularly again in the last 6 months or so. I try not to focus on the scars, but it helps me feel a little less self-conscious.
 

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I actually think it works the opposite way, I don't think being unattractive causes social anxiety, I think social anxiety causes us to feel unattractive, even if we're good-looking.
 

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We naturally gravitate toward good-looking people. Time and time again I've seen 'pretty' people treated far better than, say, the awkward-looking girl/guy who's overweight and has acne. When lined up side-by-side, who do you think people would choose to talk to?
It depends. I don't try to be this way, but I'm usually defensive and bitter when I have to talk to someone who is attractive, especially if its another girl. Most likely because I'm really jealous of her.

But other people who don't have self-esteem issues, yeah, they'd probably get along great with another attractive person.
 

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We all suffer from SA, but it sucks to have to worry not only about your anxiety but how awful your appearance is day in and out. With unattractive people, others are not only put off by how they carry themselves but how they look. You can't say it's not worse for ugly people when you haven't been ugly before.
It hurts for me to read this because it is the reality of my life i go through everyday. How can one gain social acceptance when they are always looked in a negative light at first jump? It's quite hard to overcome. It's even harder trying to find a date or even pursue a relationship. You can try to be the best you can be and you will get pushed to the side almost all of the time. This makes you depressed over your unattractiveness/SA which leads to lower self esteem and then the ball of problems starts rolling. It's a million times worse for people who are unattractive and have SA.
 

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But... everyone values appearances, in one way or another. Even when someone's saying that they're not, it's not true cause it's always there, in front of your eyes, and you see if the person in front of you looks good or not and it affects you, and it's a fact that attractive people are being treated so much better.
It's hard for me to explain it in English, but I guess you know what I mean.
TLDR:
Looks aren't too important for socializing in general, you need to give off a good first impression but that's about it. Make sure you groom regularly as a given and dress appropriately, and are wearing SOME style but that's secondary. And really that's it, remember there are a lot of VERY socially active fat people, I would think most of the fat people I met were socially active. Weight is something that can be changed by the way.

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Its the halo effect, if one outstanding feature about someone is present during a first impression, that person receives a halo, and any bad that person does is usually disregarded. This could be a personality feature or a looks in general.

I don't know why you would despair over looks, for guys, all it is is style, just have A style and you will be good (don't overdo it on the other hand). Talk to some people who know style, or just look at some magazines you are trying to emulate. Buy clothes because they look good and fit on you, not just because you've spent the day looking for clothes and you need to buy SOMETHING. In the dating world, looks aren't the most important thing for guys, social power is (such as knowing people, being important to her group in some manner, or the easiest to do: having interest in her due to personality traits and not physical looks, and showing it). And for first appearances, looks are important but if you have style and take care of yourself, you should be good.

And this is for guys and girls, don't despair on weight it can be changed. And also, for both, for simply socializing, weight doesn't really affect one's ability to socialize, or even being ugly for that matter. There's a lot of factors going into it, but being really fat is just a small social strike down just like how being slightly insensitive would, it wouldn't break you socially. Most of the fat people I've met were very sociable. If you take care of your hygiene and dress appropriately, you really shouldn't worry about being "ugly" hurting you socially. Make sure you're friendly and approachable, that's more important than being pretty/handsome.

For girls, yes looks ARE important in the dating world, they are what guy decide who to approach and who not to off of. But if you work out regularly (AND DIET) and get a good body, you should be definitely fine (don't overdo exercising and become a stick though, most guys don't find it attractive). I have nothing morally against facial plastic surgery if you've lost a bunch of weight but are still held back due to an ugly face, but usually having a good body goes a VERY long way in the dating world.
 
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