I don't like the thought of calling someone my boyfriend, I don't like the "we" and the "us" and the loss of yourself. I get depressed at the thought of being that dependant on someone I don't think it's healthy. So you can be independant and build strong friendships and work on your career and your own life, there's only one thing you'd need that person for. But I've come to realise I have this huge anxiety of inimacy, in a physical sense. I think maybe if I take the fear of him not committing to me out of the equation it might be easier. I'M not looking to commit. I don't know. I don't want a relationship anymore I want to be completely independant because I think, for me, that's the only way I can be strong. But I don't want to be completely alone. I just want to be completely detatched from my emotions.
I don't think I believe in relationships
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Joined
·
6,856 Posts
I see where you're coming from, but I think the level at which you become dependant on someone when you are in a relationship is an active choice. Keeping your own hobbies and dreams that are outside of that person might be a good way to keep your own individuality.
I've definitely known couples that solely use the word "we" when referring to themselves, but I don't think that's everyone.
I've definitely known couples that solely use the word "we" when referring to themselves, but I don't think that's everyone.
Joined
·
3,292 Posts
You want to be completely dettached from your emotions ?
That's not likely and not healthy either.
The only characters that exist like that are fiction. eg. Batman
We are all entertained by batman stories, but if such a man really existed, he would have the most miserable of lives. No sensible man would wish the lifestyle of Batman upon himself, anymore than someone would wish to live as Michael Jackson did.
I have an aunt that has never dated and never married. On the outside she seems like a nice lady .. but if you've lived with her .. you will discover that she is quite eccentric.
She has spent so many years living alone, that anytime family visits, she never wants us to leave. The older she gets, the more eccentric she becomes.
There is no such thing as a completely independent person.
That's not likely and not healthy either.
The only characters that exist like that are fiction. eg. Batman
We are all entertained by batman stories, but if such a man really existed, he would have the most miserable of lives. No sensible man would wish the lifestyle of Batman upon himself, anymore than someone would wish to live as Michael Jackson did.
I have an aunt that has never dated and never married. On the outside she seems like a nice lady .. but if you've lived with her .. you will discover that she is quite eccentric.
She has spent so many years living alone, that anytime family visits, she never wants us to leave. The older she gets, the more eccentric she becomes.
There is no such thing as a completely independent person.
I can share my life with my friends and my family. No one person. I would date but not get attatched. Be selfish. Maybe it's an active choice how attatched you get or maybe you try to have trust in people but get screwed over one too many times. I don't want to put myself in a position for that to happen, maybe ever. You get smart to it. So many people completely lose themselves and get depressed over finding the "right person" but I think that's bull****. Why be that vulnerable.
I don't truly understand the point of a relationship. No matter how many nights I stay up wondering about this, I just can't find the words to explain the reasoning behind a relationship to myself. On that same note, I don't know what love is either. Whether towards a pet, a family member, parent, a girl, I don't know how to express love. If you were to ask me to define my love for my parents, I would stand there and look puzzled. I think I may have narcissistic personality disorder :'(
I can understand, even though Im in a long term relationship and am dependant on him. But I know, its vital that you keep your identity when entering a relationship. Its easy to go years and suddenly realise, you dont know who you are anymore and that you live through my partner and when someone asks what do you do? you say 'my partners an engineering apprentice'! <<< yes me bad.
I still believe, you can have a relationship without the 'we' and 'us'. You can be fully independant and still be in a relationship! Make this a rule from the beginning. But dont get to the point of neglecting the relationship.
I see that alot of older generations, say they 'need theyre independence' when they divorce middle aged. Maybe this is another reason why divorce rates are high. Everyone wants independence. But soon realise, people still need 'intimacy'.
I think we need a balance of 'independence' and 'intimacy' to be happy in a relationship. When thats offbalance things go wrong.
I still believe, you can have a relationship without the 'we' and 'us'. You can be fully independant and still be in a relationship! Make this a rule from the beginning. But dont get to the point of neglecting the relationship.
I see that alot of older generations, say they 'need theyre independence' when they divorce middle aged. Maybe this is another reason why divorce rates are high. Everyone wants independence. But soon realise, people still need 'intimacy'.
I think we need a balance of 'independence' and 'intimacy' to be happy in a relationship. When thats offbalance things go wrong.
It's there anyone you'd risk death or serious injury to protect from death or serious injury?
Well you do make valuable points...relationships can be torture but it can also be heaven If you play the cards right.
I think though that everyone needs someone, no matter who you are everyone needs some loving : )
Just hang in there and don't give up
You'll find your prince charming
I think though that everyone needs someone, no matter who you are everyone needs some loving : )
Just hang in there and don't give up
You'll find your prince charming
Just because a couple does things together, and makes some decisions together, doesn't mean they have no sense of individuality. All healthy couples, imho, have we/us decisions and individual decisions. They all have we/us activities and individual activities. Two people sharing their lives with each other doesn't mean they are no longer individuals with individual thoughts, wants, and goals.
As far as being completely independent, that just isn't realistic. For one, we're social creatures, and as such we just aren't healthy living a life of solitude. For another, as another poster pointed out, it is simply impossible to not require others and society itself to survive. Similarly, your emotions are an important part of yourself. You aren't going to get by without them. I value my reason and intellect very highly, and I consider myself a pretty darn logical person. That said, logic can't tell you what you want or desire. The comes from your feelings (and from there logic can tell you how to proceed). Trying to divorce yourself from your feelings, from knowing your feelings, from knowing yourself, is a sure-fire way to find yourself living a meaningless life that you'll eventually realize is pretty darn miserable (and you risk not realizing it until it is too late).
Sure, relationships require some risk. You have to emotionally expose yourself. The rewards of a good relationship are easily worth it. Having a friend and confidant alone is extremely valuable (and there's all that wonderful physical stuff from holding hands to snuggling to sex -- back to snuggling, because that one is really awesome). Rather than give up on relationships altogether, I think it is wiser to figure out the best way to find a good, healthy relationship and learn from your mistakes.
I'm the kind of guy who isn't scared of death and that being said, I wouldn't take a bullet for anyone.
Joined
·
22,370 Posts
2 things here,
1 - I too think that's it's important to retain your individuality while in a relationship & I think that's shown in those who have caring relationships that don't venture it the area of total infatuation. To me total infatuation is where the line is crossed & both members of the couple are "we/us". I also think relationships of total infatuation are those same ones that have a lot of trouble & may not last when hard times come. Don't confuse my language here, when I say infatuation I don't mean love, it is possible to love without total infatuation/obsession & I think healthier as well
2 - I think that some relationship despite being good while they last aren't meant to be forever & to those who believe in "true love" this is likely an outrageous thought but my reasoning is simply that that partner was your soulmate for that time period not eternity. I'm not saying everlasting love isn't to be found, just that it may take a few partners to find it if you do at all
I too have intimacy issues/anxiety & at times wish I could divorce myself from emotion & remain neutral. I don't think this is a functional way to be in this world but the wish does come to mind regularly enough. I've written a poem entitled "Do Not Ascend Nor Descend" that touches on the idea of emotional neutrality that you can check if you please. Ultimately if you can find an understanding & comforting partner then I think a relationship is a good goal despite feeling unsure of them at times
1 - I too think that's it's important to retain your individuality while in a relationship & I think that's shown in those who have caring relationships that don't venture it the area of total infatuation. To me total infatuation is where the line is crossed & both members of the couple are "we/us". I also think relationships of total infatuation are those same ones that have a lot of trouble & may not last when hard times come. Don't confuse my language here, when I say infatuation I don't mean love, it is possible to love without total infatuation/obsession & I think healthier as well
2 - I think that some relationship despite being good while they last aren't meant to be forever & to those who believe in "true love" this is likely an outrageous thought but my reasoning is simply that that partner was your soulmate for that time period not eternity. I'm not saying everlasting love isn't to be found, just that it may take a few partners to find it if you do at all
I too have intimacy issues/anxiety & at times wish I could divorce myself from emotion & remain neutral. I don't think this is a functional way to be in this world but the wish does come to mind regularly enough. I've written a poem entitled "Do Not Ascend Nor Descend" that touches on the idea of emotional neutrality that you can check if you please. Ultimately if you can find an understanding & comforting partner then I think a relationship is a good goal despite feeling unsure of them at times
Joined
·
1,117 Posts
I'm kinda with Delicate on this one. I don't really understand why people become intensely attached. I run from romantic relationships and (this may make me sound cold) I have no problem cutting people out of my life and have done so on several occasions.
When I tried to have a relationship I neglected my social life. I'd rely on him to be happy and if I saw him I'd be happy, if he told me things I'd be happy, If he didn't call I'd be upset. And I couldn't be intimate with him because I knew too much about him. Do you think maybe sharing too much can be unhealthy? And another almost relationship I had was the same, he gave me attention and I was flattered and he made me happy then took off and I didn't hear from him. I got hurt. With the guy I was just seeing trust me that the situation didn't hurt him it hurt me. I have enough to deal with, now I'm alone I feel more free. But it's ME who's still hurt and going to be for a long time. Why put myself in a position to be hurt again? I don't see the point. I'm wondering if this theory of not getting too involved, not getting too hurt is more logical for me. My emotions are too intense if I get too reliant and get comfortable it hurts far too much when it hurts. I don't feel like sharing myself with one person. One person who happens to be a man. The thought of romance makes me want to vomit.
Joined
·
5,984 Posts
i think i know what you are getting at.
personally from what i observe and from my (very limited) experience, i felt there were so many expectations and so much pressure in "official" relationships.
some of those are realistic for some people, but not all. and nothings wrong with that, but people seem to have such narrow views of what a relationship should be like.
everyones different, everyone can do and can't do different things, everyone needs different amounts of space, etc. i get the feeling that rather than taking those into consideration there is still very set guidelines of what should go on in a relationship.
i find it really frustrating. i think i'm just pretty different from the average person and what makes me happy and what is comfortable for me isn't enough for the other person.
i think the expectations in relationships just cause much higher amounts of stress than needed, same with just dating.
it'd be great if people would just let go of them a bit and realize that you don't all have to strive to be a certain way and attain a certain goal.
it shouldn't be so black and white, and you can be happy with someone and not have to do all those things that you say you don't want to. you shouldn't have to feel that pressure. you can be just as independent with someone.
i guess with me i'm very very introverted and very quiet and private and i'd need someone who could respect that and understand that i can't talk on the phone all the time, i won't be talking constantly every time i see them, i don't always have a lot to respond with, i can't spend all my time with the other person and need to be alone often, etc. it seems rare that someone would understand though, because i'm just much more extreme than most people in that sense :|
personally from what i observe and from my (very limited) experience, i felt there were so many expectations and so much pressure in "official" relationships.
some of those are realistic for some people, but not all. and nothings wrong with that, but people seem to have such narrow views of what a relationship should be like.
everyones different, everyone can do and can't do different things, everyone needs different amounts of space, etc. i get the feeling that rather than taking those into consideration there is still very set guidelines of what should go on in a relationship.
i find it really frustrating. i think i'm just pretty different from the average person and what makes me happy and what is comfortable for me isn't enough for the other person.
i think the expectations in relationships just cause much higher amounts of stress than needed, same with just dating.
it'd be great if people would just let go of them a bit and realize that you don't all have to strive to be a certain way and attain a certain goal.
it shouldn't be so black and white, and you can be happy with someone and not have to do all those things that you say you don't want to. you shouldn't have to feel that pressure. you can be just as independent with someone.
i guess with me i'm very very introverted and very quiet and private and i'd need someone who could respect that and understand that i can't talk on the phone all the time, i won't be talking constantly every time i see them, i don't always have a lot to respond with, i can't spend all my time with the other person and need to be alone often, etc. it seems rare that someone would understand though, because i'm just much more extreme than most people in that sense :|
This and the other stuff you say makes me think you have a lot of issues you should work through. Sounds like those issues are why you don't want a relationship, rather than you just not wanting one. You seem to be letting fear and other issues/insecurities determine what you do, rather than finding a way to overcome those problems. That is what isn't healthy.
Joined
·
20,927 Posts
It's not that I don't believe in them, it's that I've given up hope that it'll actually happen one day. If a girl actually expressed genuine interest in me, I'd be shocked (I wouldn't say no, but I'd be shocked.)
I miss being so attached to my emotions for somebody. I am so disconnected to everything that I just don't give a **** anymore - maybe a fraction of a **** once in a while at night when I go to sleep. i give up the effort because it is just too hard and in some way senseless, and a million other things under the sun. i can't do it now. I would die. ; - ; so que sera sera, whatever will be will be. shouldn't matter to me. ahahaha. que sera sera.
It's like to take on another person is to take on all their ****. I have my own to deal with and I'd feel alot more free if I could have good friends, go out and hang out with the friends I've got and have a good time. Not be thinking about someone else constantly and wondering what they're doing, who they're with, what they're thinking of me, checking in with them everyday and being stunted by that. It's too much energy, I'd rather not care. The majority of people I've encountered are 95% selfish. If you can't beat them join them? In a sense I think it's healthier to be more selfish. "I love you but I love me more".
Drachasor, yeah I have alot of issues but I'd rather work on them by myself, not that I don't want a man in my life at all. But the pattern is I have a positive encounter with him I feel good about myself I feel secure, he screws me over, I go back to old habits which each time get harder and harder to break. Now I'm trying to get over it I'm getting "help" and I'm thinking about myself more, a career rather than a job, my own place instead of staying with my family, my friends over a boyfriend therefore a broader social life. Just don't know how to tip the balance that much in my favour.
Drachasor, yeah I have alot of issues but I'd rather work on them by myself, not that I don't want a man in my life at all. But the pattern is I have a positive encounter with him I feel good about myself I feel secure, he screws me over, I go back to old habits which each time get harder and harder to break. Now I'm trying to get over it I'm getting "help" and I'm thinking about myself more, a career rather than a job, my own place instead of staying with my family, my friends over a boyfriend therefore a broader social life. Just don't know how to tip the balance that much in my favour.
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
