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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Back in High School I was a loner. When someone would see me alone and approach me and try to be my friend I would push them away. I thought they felt sorry for me seeing me all alone. I didn't want their pity friendship. I would think to myself, "I just like being alone. I don't need your pity friendship."

A few months ago I was at a party where I only knew one person. I looked lost and lonely. A few people tried to talk to me but I had that same reaction I did when I was in H.S. "I don't need your pity friendship!"

Also, one reason I don't have a lot of friends is because I'm afraid that if I ask or invite someone they will think I'm lonely. And if they reject me I will take it personally at some level. I have this twisted pride.

Anyone else struggle with pride? It's like being poor and hungry but too proud to accept charity.
 

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socially anxious ferret
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I find if you make a few friends who arent real close people tend to be more friendly just have a quick chat every now and then
When people think you arent a loner they are nicer sadly
 

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I have the same dread of "pity friends," but for me the reasoning it's different. For me it isn't pride, it's that I've attempted accepting pity friendship in the past and it NEVER, EVER works out. :no I just can't become close friends with somebody who has nothing in common with me, and almost all of the people who offer pity friendship have nothing substantial in common with me. There's this feeling almost from the start that they don't like/accept me as I am, they just want to make me better somehow...whether just to make themselves feel good for doing a good deed, or to make me into a more interesting potential friend, I don't know, maybe both. I feel like I'm a "project" to them. I even had somebody outright say this to me once, that I was like a psychological project for him to work on. (Needless to say, later down the line he insisted I "wasn't spontaneous enough" to be friends with him and bailed out. Then when I complained about that in my online journal he suddenly got interested in me again and started stalking/harassing me online for a year, accusing me of ruining all his other friendships. :roll )

These people usually make their intentions clear from the very start when they say, "I'm really not that into the same things you are, BUT..." They usually tell me I seem interesting/fascinating/deep/whatever and they'd like to get to know me. I tell them I'm boring and painfully shy, they say they don't care. Then it goes downhill.

Inevitably they get fed up when I don't immediately reciprocate their offers...their offers usually aren't that much, just them making smalltalk that I'm really not interested in. :| I just don't have the time or energy or interest for idle chatter about how I'm doing today or what I've been up to, when I know the other person isn't interested in my hobbies and whatnot. But there's nothing else I want to talk about aside from that, and I hate boring people with my stuff, so I just give bland answers. The other person starts to take this personally and perceives that I'm rejecting them, which I guess is true in a way, but still, I DID warn them I'm boring and shy.

Eventually they get fed up and trail off and that's it. Sometimes they keep watch over where I post publicly and when I complain about my loneliness they'll get back in touch long enough to snap, "*I* tried making friends with you! I tried really hard! Why wasn't that good enough??"

It's like they got some idea I was a lot more interesting and outgoing than I really am, then when I wasn't, and when I didn't warm to them in a heartbeat, they got offended. I get the impression I'm "not good enough" to be friends with these people until I'm "fixed/better," and when that doesn't happen they lose what little interest they had, but not before getting in a dig at me like it's my fault.

I've tried really hard to reciprocate a few times but I just get so bored and impatient with all this idle chatter that never goes anywhere, putting work into maintaining a "friendship" with somebody who has nothing in common with me and who I'm really just not interested in being friends with. I don't feel like I should be obligated to accept any offer of friendship that comes my way just because I'm lonely. There has to be something more to it. :| Other people have the right to choose to be friends with likeminded people, so why shy/anxious people aren't allowed to be so choosy, I don't understand. :/

This has just made me even more avoidant of people reaching out to get in touch with me because I really just don't want to go through it anymore, it's so tiring and demoralizing to get blamed all the time. I don't mind if somebody who has things in common with me might pity me alongside that, but if pity is all there is, it's just not going to go anywhere, and I learned the hard way to not put so much effort into it.

Unfortunately, no matter how clear I am about all this from the start, it still leaves a lot of people bitter with me. :/

Yeegh, this got long. :blush
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I tell them I'm boring and painfully shy, they say they don't care.
That made me laugh. Do you really say that to people?
 

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Well sorry hon, but I don't approach people out of pitty, I am honestly not likely to approach popular people though. While it sounds horrible, I don't feel like I am interesting enough for the person that has 20 other people fighting for their attention. I'm a nice, kind, caring, ocasionally witty type of gal. That said I find it easier to talk one on one so if someone is sitting alone I am more likely to approach them than to approach the large loud group. So the people approaching probably aren't doing it out of pity but, because they would rather just get to know someone on an individual basis. At least that is how I operate, I am not the type that can sashay up to a group and meld into the conversation, I'm not even good at doing that with the friends who already are my friends. :|
 

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Nope. I certainly don't. I'm glad you recognize that it's just your pride though. Too prideful to take money help sounds like the perfect description of it. Now... if you can just work on letting that pride go ;)
 

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Also, one reason I don't have a lot of friends is because I'm afraid that if I ask or invite someone they will think I'm lonely. And if they reject me I will take it personally at some level. I have this twisted pride.

Anyone else struggle with pride? It's like being poor and hungry but too proud to accept charity.
Yea this is like me. You want to ask them but you don't want to look like a loser or whatever. Sometimes people might wanna catch up with me from a job or something but even then it doesn't always work out either cause you never get around to arranging something.
 

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This is why i dont trust anyone there are some really good actors. You can never tell real friends from fakes so trust NOBODY. You will meet some of the best actors in your life and they wont be on TV.
 
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