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I can’t stand this right now. I can’t tell if this is my depression or my SA or what. I feel like I’m just being a complete wimp right now and I just want to be alone. My thoughts are so jumbled.

My depression has really been acting up lately. I’ve been really scared about life after graduation. I graduate in December with a criminal justice degree. Now, I am really unsure about even being in that field and I’m afraid about what my future holds. I’ve just been really lonely lately and that’s been on my mind a lot because a lot of things are changing with my friends and it’s just bringing me down.

But here’s what I’m freaking out about though. I found a job fair tonight. Kind of last minute but I signed up for it and I told my parents all about it and they’re ready to hear all about it when I’m done. It’s technically today (Wednesday). It’s a job fair for my county’s jail. And here’s where my SA kicks in because I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing there and I feel like I’m just going to embarrass myself. I already am very unsure if I even want to go into the field, much less if I want to get involved in the corrections field. I don’t know what to expect and I’m just terrified because this is like the first “big boy” thing I’ve had to do with my education so far. I look around and a lot of people I went to school with are having no problems becoming cops and enjoying the field and I get so envious because I wish I were that mentally tough. Even mature enough, I guess.

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning guys and I’m up crying. Crying about my future and how I’m just being such a huge wimp about all of this. I never realized how much my SA debilitated me until I started thinking about my own responsibility after college. I need to grow up and take charge of my life. I can’t just live with my crappy restaurant job that I have right now and just leave my degree go to waste. I’ve just learned so very much about life and myself (not just education) since the beginning of college and I’ve changed my mind back and forth so many times.

I just don’t know what the hell to do. I can’t sleep for the life of me and I have to wake up at 8AM for class. I’m sick of living like this. I just wish I were a normal person that can make responsible decisions and be an adult. I’m just so scared for tomorrow and I can’t even seem to explain everything going on in my head right now.
 

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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time :(. Are you taking any medication right now to help cope with the depression? You got your degree, you can do this. You just have to believe in yourself (cheesy, but true). Use what you learned to help get through this. It's natural to he nervous about your first actual assignment in the field of work you want to enter, that doesn't make you a wimp, that makes you human :)

If you don't want to do what you've signed up for or you don't like it, see if you could try something else :stu
 
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