[Stop Staring]

I have a hard time looking back on my life, its like it was someone else's. I have a hard time explaining it, but I don't know how I got here. I don't know if the meds I was on for so many years has something to do with it, or if its part of the anxiety or traumatic events that erased things. Its like it was all a weird dream, if that makes any sense. I've noticed alot of people can recall dates like nothing, I have no idea where, or who I was during certain years. I remember certain things, but not alot. I'm kinda scared its some kind of brain damage from taking meds almost half my life. Its made me paranoid to go back on them again regularly. Wondering if anyone else has had this issue?

 

[Lokzen]

ust like this, I have it too. This happened just a few hours when I would describe something that was only fragmentary, I have fragmented. These fragments can be difficult to place exactly when and where and on.

And for me it is probably a mechanism to suppress and then psychotropic drugs such as Valium and others who do so that it is not really optimal in terms of intake of events

So there are two mechanisms.

Sometimes it can be tough when you not remember, but quite nice to not remember the misery.

 

[xLinnyx]

I have the same problem however I haven't been on meds so this can't be the reason for me. I can only remember certain things about my childhood but most of it seems to be inaccessible to my conscious. Sometimes my mum or dad might mention something about the past and I really can't remember any of it. Sometimes traumatic events can repress memories although i'm not sure what, if anything, has happened to me. I know my mum and dad have always argued since I was little so experiencing this may have been traumatic for me as a small child which could have blocked out the more positive memories but who knows!

 

[mrschips]

Oh wow I'm the same way. I think it's because I really don't like to think about the past. Not because there were any traumatic events or anything - I had a very normal childhood (other than the anxiety issues..) so I don't think it's like I'm repressing it or anything. But yeah, I can only vaguely remember specific events (not that I usually try to, because I generally find something to be embarrased/uncomfortable about) and only have like a "gist of" kind of thing going on. I don't think I have much worth remember anyway, so I don't let it bother me.

 

[Hypnotoad]

I'm the same way, I have a few very small memories of anything earlier than the 8th grade
Other than the SA and my numerous neurological issues, I had a perfect childhood. Didn't start taking any meds until the 8th grade - tegretol and Lamictal for seizures. Since then my mind has stopped functioning. I went from a near photographic memory to forgetting everything. sux

 

[bunnie]

Me too. I thought I was the only one. When I was in my teens, I used to be able to recall many events, but now it seems like one day just flows into the other. I've also recently become terrible with names.

My life has been pretty crappy/humiliating and I do drink a lot. I think that's why my memory is shot.

 

[hiimnotcool]

I have a hard time looking back on my life, its like it was someone else's. I have a hard time explaining it, but I don't know how I got here. I don't know if the meds I was on for so many years has something to do with it, or if its part of the anxiety or traumatic events that erased things. Its like it was all a weird dream, if that makes any sense. I've noticed alot of people can recall dates like nothing, I have no idea where, or who I was during certain years. I remember certain things, but not alot. I'm kinda scared its some kind of brain damage from taking meds almost half my life. Its made me paranoid to go back on them again regularly. Wondering if anyone else has had this issue?

It sounds STRIKINGLY like Depersonalization Disorder. Pretty much everything you mentioned is a symptom with that. Have you talked to a psychiatrist about this?

"The core symptom of depersonalization disorder is the subjective experience of unreality, and as such there are no clinical signs. Common descriptions are: watching oneself from a distance; out-of-body experiences; a sense of just going through the motions; feeling as though one is in a dream or movie; not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements; and feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions.[3] Individuals with the disorder commonly describe a feeling as though time is 'passing' them by and they are not in the notion of the present. These experiences may cause a person to feel uneasy or anxious since they strike at the core of a person's identity and consciousness.

Some of the more common factors that exacerbate dissociative symptoms are negative effects, stress, subjective threatening social interaction, and unfamiliar environments. Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions, intense physical or emotional stimulation, and relaxation.[4] Factors identified as relieving symptom severity such as diet, exercise, alcohol and fatigue, are listed by others as worsening symptoms.[5]

Fears of going crazy, brain damage, and losing control are common complaints. Individuals report occupational impairments as they feel they are working below their ability, and interpersonal troubles since they have an emotional disconnection from those they care about. Neuropsychological testing has shown deficits in attention, short-term memory and spatial-temporal reasoning.[6] Depersonalization disorder is associated with cognitive disruptions in early perceptual and attentional processes"

 

[euphoria]

Try the supplement called huperzine A. It improves memory (including recall).

 

[wiselittleracoon]

Yes.I have lost quite a bit of important memories.Memories that might mean something to other people for me to remember them.Dates also.Recalling things from a conversation I just had and so on.Big parts of my life are missing.I think I subconciously learned to do this because I have been through alot of tramatic things,though I wish I had learned to forget all of them as some still cause anxiety attacks when I'm trying to get some sleep.

 

[Stop Staring]

It sounds STRIKINGLY like Depersonalization Disorder. Pretty much everything you mentioned is a symptom with that. Have you talked to a psychiatrist about it?

Try the supplement called huperzine A. It improves memory (including recall).

Thanks for that. I've kind of wondered. I'm not seeing a psychiatrist any more, but I will bring up both of those topics with my doctor. Thanx

 

[letitrock]

It sounds STRIKINGLY like Depersonalization Disorder. Pretty much everything you mentioned is a symptom with that. a sense of just going through the motions

When I read the original poster's post, it struck a small chord with the way I've viewed my life-this is something I've pondered over before-I relate to what you said on one level but I mostly relate to what the quote above me said about going through the motions-that line is exactly the way I've described to myself the way that I acted from childhood to freshman year in high school

Despite that, I read a lot of what that depersonalization disorder is, and I know I don't have it because I don't relate to any of the symptoms except for that one about the motions

I feel like from childhood until 9th grade, I feel like I had no thoughts in my head-I know that can't be true, cuz that's impossible, but when I look back, that's how it feels. Maybe its because I never had any friends so I lacked any memorable experience/thoughts to remember at all.

When I look back on it, I feel like I was nothing. I do have some memories from that time period that stick out in my head, but when talking about the way I was, who I was back then, I feel like I was "dormant" through all those years, like I was "just going through the motions." And I do recall some of the emotuions that I felt in diff situations back then but generally I feel like I was just waking up, going to school, coming home etc, not living, not living for anything, just doing what I had to do-I feel like the real me was cloaked by this nothing dormant thing......those years are nothing but a meaningless blur

The only reason I feel that I didn't continue along this path is because we had moved, so instead of going to the high school that everyone at my middle school went to, I went to the other one in our town, and within the first month, this girl on my bus tried to befriend me cuz I was all alone reading, asked, what's ur name, do u have a crush, u've never held hands w/a boy!?, etc, friends?, and I told her, "I don't have any friends" and she was just shocked, and said, wow, I've never heard of that,I've never heard of anyone having no friends" and I was confused by her reaction because I been this way forever & I didn't realize that was not normal, and that's when I started waking up, seeing that the shy people in my classes who I thought were just like me were not-sure they were shy but they had friends.......

In a way this was good cuz I was on my way to discovering that I had sa, but in another, it actually seemed to worsen my sa because now I was aware that I wasn't just shy, but that I was different and I didn't know why, and just in general, I was more aware I gues cuz I was getting older