It sounds STRIKINGLY like Depersonalization Disorder. Pretty much everything you mentioned is a symptom with that. a sense of just going through the motions
When I read the original poster's post, it struck a small chord with the way I've viewed my life-this is something I've pondered over before-I relate to what you said on one level but I mostly relate to what the quote above me said about going through the motions-that line is
exactly the way I've described to myself the way that I acted from childhood to freshman year in high school
Despite that, I read a lot of what that depersonalization disorder is, and I know I don't have it because I don't relate to any of the symptoms except for that one about the motions
I feel like from childhood until 9th grade, I feel like I had no thoughts in my head-I know that can't be true, cuz that's impossible, but when I look back, that's how it feels. Maybe its because I never had any friends so I lacked any memorable experience/thoughts to remember at all.
When I look back on it, I feel like I was nothing. I do have some memories from that time period that stick out in my head, but when talking about the way I
was,
who I was
back then, I feel like I was "dormant" through all those years, like I was "just going through the motions." And I do recall some of the emotuions that I felt in diff situations back then but generally I feel like I was just waking up, going to school, coming home etc, not living, not living for anything, just doing what I had to do-I feel like the real me was cloaked by this nothing dormant thing......those years are nothing but a meaningless blur
The only reason I feel that I didn't continue along this path is because we had moved, so instead of going to the high school that everyone at my middle school went to, I went to the other one in our town, and within the first month, this girl on my bus tried to befriend me cuz I was all alone reading, asked, what's ur name, do u have a crush, u've never held hands w/a boy!?, etc, friends?, and I told her, "I don't have any friends" and she was just shocked, and said, wow, I've never heard of that,I've never heard of anyone having no friends" and I was confused by her reaction because I been this way forever & I didn't realize that was not normal, and that's when I started waking up, seeing that the shy people in my classes who I thought were just like me were not-sure they were shy but they had friends.......
In a way this was good cuz I was on my way to discovering that I had sa, but in another, it actually seemed to worsen my sa because now I was aware that I wasn't just shy, but that I was different and I didn't know why, and just in general, I was more aware I gues cuz I was getting older