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Leben ist verrückt!!!!
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The other day I was in the student lounge waiting for my next class. A friend of mine decided to go and meet up with her friends. So we sat on the couches by the window and it was about 10 people in the group including me. The people seemed really nice, but my anxiety wasn't. I sat there for about 3 hours with her and her friends and never said one word to the people. It was so embarrassing and I felt so bad about it. My friend kept saying "chime in, say something", etc. I just couldn't contribute anything. My mind went completely blank. It was as if there was a wall blocking me from socializing. There weren't any thoughts in my head at all. I felt like I had a stroke of the brain!!

When my friend left, the friends stayed there and continued to socialize and I just couldn't say anything. Nothing would come out of my mouth. Then finally the people left and one of the guys asked me why I wasn't talking. He said that he thought that I didn't like them and he thought that thats why I wouldnt talk to them. I told him that that wasnt the case at all and I explained to him that I was just shy around new people thats all. He looked at me kinda puzzled for a second. But I didnt want to say that I have SA. I felt so bad when he left because I really didnt want him to have the impression that I wasnt talking because I didnt like him. I've been really depressed and I rarely want to show emotion when I talk, its like I "fake" happiness to make people feel comfortable. I dont know what I am going to do.

Any ideas?
 

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Born Of Blotmonað
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A blank mind happens to me as well at times & it's tough because people don't realize you literally have nothing to draw from in those moments. It's amazing how my mind can run marathons at times in solitude yet become oblivious in relating to the most basic of conversation topics in company. In certain cases I also don't say anything because I'm aware of how quirky it may come across as well.

I think if you're around when your friend meets that group again you should go once more & try again. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting settled with the group, learning their faces/voices as well as them learning you may be somewhat quiet but still good to have around nonetheless. Also try not to beat yourself up over this too much as depression isn't usually a great help in socializing unless you meet one of those people curious at solving it's riddle within you, even then it can be mostly detrimental
 

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oh boy. you should see me when im in a group of people. i cant speak at all and even if i do, all i can come with is this tiny voice, really low pitched. its hilarious when i think about it later.

but yea, i know what youre saying. small groups of people im good with. but a large group of people, like 5+ and im this nervous wreck who stands there like a dumbass and stares at people.

the thing is, why should one fake emotion to make people happy? that would make one a fake person.
 

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Leben ist verrückt!!!!
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
oh boy. you should see me when im in a group of people. i cant speak at all and even if i do, all i can come with is this tiny voice, really low pitched. its hilarious when i think about it later.

but yea, i know what youre saying. small groups of people im good with. but a large group of people, like 5+ and im this nervous wreck who stands there like a dumbass and stares at people.

the thing is, why should one fake emotion to make people happy? that would make one a fake person.
I'm definitely not a fake person. But I just try to be polite and with anxiety I try to seem happy so that people dont think I am stuck up or mean.
 

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I'm definitely not a fake person. But I just try to be polite and with anxiety I try to seem happy so that people dont think I am stuck up or mean.
yeah. ive faked emotion too. trying to put on a fake smile and all that. but ive hated myself later on for doing that. that makes me a fake person. why should i fake something just for the sake of getting accepted? i usually think to myself that if people cant accept me for who i am they should just gtfo
 

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this happens to me sometimes, what i normally do is recognize the feeling and realize it has nothing to do with me as a person. Accept the feeling.

I then contribute to the conversation when i hear sum thing interesting, even if im not up to it.

I usually say to my self that they may think im weird and its gonna be awkward but what the hell lets do it anyway.

The fact that i tried despite there reaction and response is always the win.

One of my newest goals is to face situations where i have experience fear. Social gatherings, crowed areas , talking random ppl etc. I wonder how ill do lol.
 

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PreciousGleamingMcNugget
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I just hide or leave when my friends run into people they know. I hate those situations. No one ever seems to have the manners to introduce me, either, so it's even more awkward. I feel like a straggler that is making everyone uncomfortable, so I'm standoffish.
 

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Leben ist verrückt!!!!
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I just hide or leave when my friends run into people they know. I hate those situations. No one ever seems to have the manners to introduce me, either, so it's even more awkward. I feel like a straggler that is making everyone uncomfortable, so I'm standoffish.
Yeah, I totally understand how u feel. thats how I feel when these situations happen. I just feel so out of place, so I become somewhat cold.
 

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On the outside looking in
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Look at it this way. You're making an effort to at least spend time with these people rather than avoiding a situation which makes you uncomfortable entirely. That requires strength of character. It's kind of like asking a person who doesn't have SA to spend an hour in a life-threatening situation which terrifies him or her. In your case, the fear comes from a less obvious source, but it's fear nevertheless.

The best thing you can do is continue to push yourself to remain in social interactions, and try to contribute as best you can. Giving up entirely would be an invitation into a slippery slope of self-hatred. Keep up the effort, you can do it.
 

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Leben ist verrückt!!!!
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Look at it this way. You're making an effort to at least spend time with these people rather than avoiding a situation which makes you uncomfortable entirely. That requires strength of character. It's kind of like asking a person who doesn't have SA to spend an hour in a life-threatening situation which terrifies him or her. In your case, the fear comes from a less obvious source, but it's fear nevertheless.

The best thing you can do is continue to push yourself to remain in social interactions, and try to contribute as best you can. Giving up entirely would be an invitation into a slippery slope of self-hatred. Keep up the effort, you can do it.
Danke, good post. :)
 

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I just couldn't contribute anything. My mind went completely blank. It was as if there was a wall blocking me from socializing. There weren't any thoughts in my head at all. I felt like I had a stroke of the brain!!
I have exactly the same!
The worst it is to be in the group, where everybody are interacting and I have nothing to say, just standing there and staring, thinking how to run away out of it. It feels so awkward. That is why I avoid group meetings, I am afraid somebody would think I am stupid or what and I feel massively embarassed always when that happens.
There is this question - "Why you are so quiet?" so I have to made up that I am tired or something. I have it since I can remember. If I really force myself, I can participate in conversation a bit , but only in the beginning. It is so energy consuming that I cannot focus on it no longer.

Is it fear, shame? I don't know. I think there is something more to that "blank mind", it feels like somebody switches the mind off and one cannot do anything about it. Since I have found this forum, I can understand it better and to be a bit calmer in my attitude - I have started to observe myself more.

I have discovered, that I do not have to be nerbous or scared or feel ashamed to have blank mind. I can even feel good and still have blank mind. What the hell is that??
 

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A jagged pulse
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I would love to know what causes the "blank mind".When im alone i am this thoughtful,happy girl with so much running through my head but socially my mind goes blank.
 

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ANxiouS ANXIOUS anxious
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i can relate alot to this.... im sure you tryed to conjure up alot of things to say and maybe even came up with something to say, but not quick enough before they were on to something else, or before you became sure thats what you wanted to say without sounded weird or have them not accept what you say or react to it.
I have tryed also to think of something to say an make my brain work quick like it seems there's is but im to busy analyzing every thing so intently im usually just watching the situation pass me by without taking it in an taking control an speaking up an people end up thinking im mean...if only they knew ....:/
i also understand the depression thing because i am going through a really depressive state i only try to seem happy for my mom because it is so uncomfortable when were in the car and its quiet an she just knows im unhappy, it takes all the energy to just seem happy so shes comfortable....
 

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Leben ist verrückt!!!!
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
i can relate alot to this.... im sure you tryed to conjure up alot of things to say and maybe even came up with something to say, but not quick enough before they were on to something else, or before you became sure thats what you wanted to say without sounded weird or have them not accept what you say or react to it.
I have tryed also to think of something to say an make my brain work quick like it seems there's is but im to busy analyzing every thing so intently im usually just watching the situation pass me by without taking it in an taking control an speaking up an people end up thinking im mean...if only they knew ....:/
i also understand the depression thing because i am going through a really depressive state i only try to seem happy for my mom because it is so uncomfortable when were in the car and its quiet an she just knows im unhappy, it takes all the energy to just seem happy so shes comfortable....
Yeah, this is exactly what I'm going though and its really challenging for me and drains all my energy too. So I can relate.
 

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Same thing exactly happens to me, so I feel your pain. Just last night, I was at a family BBQ (yes, family!) and yet I just clammed up and could barely find a word to utter. When I did, it was trivial and didn't contribute substantively to the conversation whatsoever...just a clarification or something of my dad's story. This SAD sucks big-time... I wish I had a piece of advice to give you, OP, and if I did, I'd be worlds better too. :(
 

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The other day I was in the student lounge waiting for my next class. A friend of mine decided to go and meet up with her friends. So we sat on the couches by the window and it was about 10 people in the group including me. The people seemed really nice, but my anxiety wasn't. I sat there for about 3 hours with her and her friends and never said one word to the people. It was so embarrassing and I felt so bad about it. My friend kept saying "chime in, say something", etc. I just couldn't contribute anything. My mind went completely blank. It was as if there was a wall blocking me from socializing. There weren't any thoughts in my head at all. I felt like I had a stroke of the brain!!

When my friend left, the friends stayed there and continued to socialize and I just couldn't say anything. Nothing would come out of my mouth. Then finally the people left and one of the guys asked me why I wasn't talking. He said that he thought that I didn't like them and he thought that thats why I wouldnt talk to them. I told him that that wasnt the case at all and I explained to him that I was just shy around new people thats all. He looked at me kinda puzzled for a second. But I didnt want to say that I have SA. I felt so bad when he left because I really didnt want him to have the impression that I wasnt talking because I didnt like him. I've been really depressed and I rarely want to show emotion when I talk, its like I "fake" happiness to make people feel comfortable. I dont know what I am going to do.

Any ideas?
Hi Viva,

I can completely 100% relate with you on this. I've been in these sort of awkward and unbearable situations and sometimes I'd react the way you did or quite differently. The best way, I've found out through personal experience is this. If say, you're sitting around with a group of people encountered from socializing with that one friend to lead you to that group and you happen not to know any of them besides that one friend, I'm not advising to try your best to contribute but to think mentally. I mean really think, the problem being very psychological. Ask yourself, will I keep my mouth shut? I know doing that will result in nothing, being no results and at the same time, negatively, these people I'd like to socialize and converse with will have bad outlooks on me. So at first realizing this, take little steps. If you hear anything that you can relate to at all, may it be something minimum to some rock band you're obsessed with, contribute a few words, like "Oh yeah, they're one of my favorites." Even a simple "I know what you mean" will suffice. From there, you'll feel yourself comfortable to contribute additionally and further make yourself feel more and more welcome.

Also more importantly to keep in mind is that you're not alone with this socially problematic situation. I'm with you there and so are many, maaany people out in the world. If that doesn't motivate you, like I said, little steps..
 

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hmm

You can't communicate? What tells you that such a statement is true? Especially considering that you just spent a long time communicating that you can't communicate. Human beings cannot fail to communicate. In the situation you describe, you were communicating. Even if you said nothing at all. Now, what you communicated is of course interpreted and misunderstood sometimes by other people and that's their business but you were communicating.

SA is, for the most part, not about lack. It's about fear. You have a couple of experiences where an unresourceful state inhibits how you want to communicate with someone or a group of people and this "teaches" you that you lack the skills or whatever to be able to communicate in the way you want to. This is a false lesson inspired by fear. It's the panic that clears the mind. Well, clearing the mind fully is impossible but panic shifts awareness to chaos, confusion and protection of the being. You're in a everyday situation to some people but the body and mind signal the protection of the being alarms and resources are re-directed to the protection of the being as if the life is threatened rather than to finding a state where you can draw on the skills and resources you already have in order to communicate with others.

So give yourself a break.

For one thing, we meet what we meet. Not what we'd rather meet. Circumstance is powerful. Sometimes, things are not going to go the way you want them to and that is okay. That is not a judgement on the beauty of the being or the power of the self. You're a good person as worthy of love as anyone else. SA doesn't mean "i can't". It means: "I can't right now because of what is going on with me. Because of the fear."

You are showing emotion to the people you talk to. How other people respond to your communications is their business to a large extent and, to a large extent, you are not in control of the interpretations they are going to make about that. And that's okay.

Every single time this happens you are being given clues as how to break this thing's hold over your life. You know what triggers how you feel and react in these situations and you have the power to make the choices to interrupt and rewire the processes involved. It's not all in your head or anything like that. What I'm saying is: you have the power here. A lot more power than you first might think.
 

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When I get tired or really really nervous, I say things that I am not thinking or believing at all. Rude, stupid, nonsense things. You know the "whatever you do don't say this.. and then I say it."

At least you didn't do that.

I have to practice.
Talking to people, thinking on the spot, writing to work on word choice etc.

Sometimes I start with just figuring out what I am really thinking or feeling even if I don't say anything its a start.
 

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hmm

When I get tired or really really nervous, I say things that I am not thinking or believing at all. Rude, stupid, nonsense things. You know the "whatever you do don't say this.. and then I say it."

And how are you when you are not nervous?

Your practising ability which is fine and good but ability without state isn't going anywhere. So how are you when you're not nervous? Problem doesn't seem to be that you can't but that you get nervous in certain situations. So what would happen if, in those situations, the nervousness wasn't there?

A lot of people have the "one I get competent at doing this thing, I'll automatically feel confident about it". Well, sometimes that happens. But I've met people with driving phobias who know full well they can drive. They still get nervous driving. And the problem is the nerves.

Because what if the difference between someone who is good at public speaking and someone who isn't in a given situation or context is that the one who is good at it isn't nervous or has employed state management?

Even if you are the most skilled public speaker/communicator in all the land, you can still have days when things go wrong, you can still get nervous...so state management is important.

You've experienced times when you've felt confident, relaxed, secure in your abilities and skills etc. So you know what triggers those times and those feelings. So how about moving the emotions and states experienced in those times into the times when you want to communicate/do public speaking?
 
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