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banana enthusiast
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
They seem like a completely different species to me. Instead of seeing them as regular people who are trying to achieve more or less the same objectives in life as I am, I always have a subconscious feeling that they have some secret purpose or objective that is too sophisticated for my puny brain to comprehend. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I guess it is due to never having had any female friends, so I have no experiences to counter the subtle feeling that they are somehow fundamentally different from me. I feel like they will be offended and shatter into a million pieces if I talk to them without extreme self-censorship.

I bring this up now because I am fed up with constantly having awkward moments around girls, especially recently. The moment one walks into a room, I get awestruck as if a truck has hit me, even if I'm not attracted to her, and I'm unable to talk or even look at her, unless she asks me something directly. If I have to ask a girl something (at work, etc.), even if it is a simple one-sentence thing, I have to rehearse it over and over, and even then I screw it up when I actually get into the situation because my voice gets frozen or something, and then I replay what I said over and over again afterwards, picking apart the words and my tone of voice.

I wish I could just treat these interactions like they were no big deal, like everyone else seems to do. But what can I do? I've had a lifetime of zero experience so these behaviours could be reinforced in me. How are you supposed to reverse it? Interacting with females is my most troublesome social obstacle. If anyone has any suggestions, or similar experiences, or any evidence that girls are in fact of the same species as me, I would appreciate hearing it.
 

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They seem like a completely different species to me. Instead of seeing them as regular people who are trying to achieve more or less the same objectives in life as I am, I always have a subconscious feeling that they have some secret purpose or objective that is too sophisticated for my puny brain to comprehend. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I guess it is due to never having had any female friends, so I have no experiences to counter the subtle feeling that they are somehow fundamentally different from me. I feel like they will be offended and shatter into a million pieces if I talk to them without extreme self-censorship.

I bring this up now because I am fed up with constantly having awkward moments around girls, especially recently. The moment one walks into a room, I get awestruck as if a truck has hit me, even if I'm not attracted to her, and I'm unable to talk or even look at her, unless she asks me something directly. If I have to ask a girl something (at work, etc.), even if it is a simple one-sentence thing, I have to rehearse it over and over, and even then I screw it up when I actually get into the situation because my voice gets frozen or something, and then I replay what I said over and over again afterwards, picking apart the words and my tone of voice.

I wish I could just treat these interactions like they were no big deal, like everyone else seems to do. But what can I do? I've had a lifetime of zero experience so these behaviours could be reinforced in me. How are you supposed to reverse it? Interacting with females is my most troublesome social obstacle. If anyone has any suggestions, or similar experiences, or any evidence that girls are in fact of the same species as me, I would appreciate hearing it.
I never had any female friends before either. Some people don't think it can happen to a guy but it can. I feel like I've missed a crucial part of growing up. I have no problem making eye contact and stuff, but it's still not enough if you can't approach or anything. It hurts me because I don't even understand girls much. So they are like aliens to me. How can I understand having relationships with girls if I can't even have friendships with them.
 

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how am i not myself?
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i feel the same way, and i'm a chick.
ever since i was old enough to make friends, i've always been friends with males, so i never really got any female-related experiences.
i find myself just as awkward as you guys do when i'm around girls
 

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aldehyde dehydrogenaser
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what are females up to? they are reading online posts, eating spaghetti, trying to endure the frigid weather, wondering if they look pretty or not... and not wearing make-up. Well that's what this female is doing. I dunno, I'm kind of not very feminine though, so I couldn't answer your question as to what the super-feminine, talkative girls are doing. But we're basically the same on the inside, just have different needs.
 

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^^Me too. I don't really have any girls for friends at all cause a lot of them are just crazy to be honest. I have a few that I work with that Im close with but thats about it. It seemed that so many girls talked about me behind my back and made rumors in high school that I just never had them for friends and Im afraid they are still like that so I dont try to meet any new girl friends. A lot of guys saw it too and thought it was funny as well, but it seems like all the guy friends ive had always end up having feelings for me and want more. Its like Ill never just have flat out friends.

I think you just have to be yourself around girls no matter who they are. You can't pretend to be someone you aren't because you will get caught up in pretending. All girls are different and you might be suprised if you speak up a little that a girl might want to hang out with you. Maybe you can get yourself to calm down or pretend like your talking to a brother or sister, or a close friend when you meet new people so you can talk more.
 

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i feel the same way, and i'm a chick.
ever since i was old enough to make friends, i've always been friends with males, so i never really got any female-related experiences.
i find myself just as awkward as you guys do when i'm around girls
Same. I had female friends as a kid, but now I can't seem to form girlfriend relationships at all. Girls don't seem to be as accepting of my weirdness as guys.
 

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Too School for Cool
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6,857 Posts
We are all different, so sadly there is no one way to talk to a female that's a sure fire way to be successful.

However, I would think most of us like guys who treat us politely. If you're not sure how to talk to us, ask us about ourselves. Not that I'm making a comment about the female condition, but lots of us do like to talk about ourselves. I would also say lots of us are a little sensitive, so the crude jokes and stuff I know guys do together might not fly. But you don't need to handle us with care, we really are just people. With boobs.

Are there any girls in your life that you've felt comfortable around? If so spending more time with them might get you comfortable around us. Most of us are pretty chill. There are a few of us that are super into makeup and outward appearances and bad boys and all those other stereotypes, but not most of us. Although we do all secretly hate other girls that are prettier than us. Any girl who says otherwise is lying.

I hope you can overcome this obstacle. Exposure, as tough as it is, would probably help. Good luck! :)
 

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banana enthusiast
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So they are like aliens to me. How can I understand having relationships with girls if I can't even have friendships with them.
Exactly... it seems like even the most basic interactions with girls, the kind that even toddlers can manage, are beyond me.

All girls are different and you might be suprised if you speak up a little that a girl might want to hang out with you. Maybe you can get yourself to calm down or pretend like your talking to a brother or sister, or a close friend when you meet new people so you can talk more.
I have a sister, but I still have difficulty translating my interactions with her to interactions with other girls. Actually I mentioned to my sister once that girls make me nervous, and she seemed surprised, and said, "Just talk to them like you would talk to me." So I guess that's what I should do. But the hard part is being comfortable enough with them that I feel like I can talk to them that way.

Are there any girls in your life that you've felt comfortable around? If so spending more time with them might get you comfortable around us. Most of us are pretty chill.
Apart from my sister, I've never felt comfortable around any girl. I think the challenge is to get over this image of girls as being fundamentally different from me, because it is incredibly powerful and prevents me from forming even the most basic connections with them.
 

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Too School for Cool
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Well hey, having a sister is a start! What is it about her that makes you okay to chat with her? Could you possibly try and translate some of that calmness to other girls similiar to her? If you trust her she might be a really good person to confide in about this and gain advice on your conversation techniques and such.
 

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As limited as my social circle can be, I've actually had a roughly even ratio of male/female friends. I don't really think I act all that different around guys or gals. Maybe I'm not aware of some kind of subtle difference in the way I act of course, but overall I get the sense that it doesn't really vary.

I'd say it would help to continuously question the idea that females are another species. They aren't. They vary greatly from person to person, just like guys do. There often can be more difference between one girl to the next girl than there is between a girl and a guy.

I second Perfectionist's exposure recommendation. It's the toughest pill to swallow, but exposure (along with a dedicated focus to objective observation) is always going to beat isolation when it comes to getting a more realistic view of just about anything.
 

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pickles
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I have a similar problem as a female interacting with males, particularly in work/school situations. I had no strong male role models or male friends growing up so never learned how to communicate on a platonic level with men. Funny thing is, I can relate to you feeling likes most girls have some kind of secret objective, probably because I am/was a very shy and not very attractive female so growing up didn't have that socialization that a lot of girls have with each other and modeling their interactions with men on how other women behave. So maybe my awkwardness is because the guys are confused that I do not interact like the "typical" female would (or maybe its all just in my head).

Ardrum above said it well, I think we are over-saturated with the whole "battle of the sexes" thing that it becomes somewhat subconscious to view men and women as irreconcilable entities, and those with SA struggle even harder because we over-think and often come up with faulty conclusions as a result.
 

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c'est moi
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5,888 Posts
They seem like a completely different species to me. Instead of seeing them as regular people who are trying to achieve more or less the same objectives in life as I am, I always have a subconscious feeling that they have some secret purpose or objective that is too sophisticated for my puny brain to comprehend. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I guess it is due to never having had any female friends, so I have no experiences to counter the subtle feeling that they are somehow fundamentally different from me. I feel like they will be offended and shatter into a million pieces if I talk to them without extreme self-censorship.

I bring this up now because I am fed up with constantly having awkward moments around girls, especially recently. The moment one walks into a room, I get awestruck as if a truck has hit me, even if I'm not attracted to her, and I'm unable to talk or even look at her, unless she asks me something directly. If I have to ask a girl something (at work, etc.), even if it is a simple one-sentence thing, I have to rehearse it over and over, and even then I screw it up when I actually get into the situation because my voice gets frozen or something, and then I replay what I said over and over again afterwards, picking apart the words and my tone of voice.

I wish I could just treat these interactions like they were no big deal, like everyone else seems to do. But what can I do? I've had a lifetime of zero experience so these behaviours could be reinforced in me. How are you supposed to reverse it? Interacting with females is my most troublesome social obstacle. If anyone has any suggestions, or similar experiences, or any evidence that girls are in fact of the same species as me, I would appreciate hearing it.
Awe, well I know girls who are probably a million times less censored than you. So I wouldn't worry tooo much about that. Some evidence eh? Well...hmm. It's tough when you weren't around the opposite sex much growing up. I wasn't and I wonder if that is why I have more of a problem being comfortable around males, but I get better and better all the time. Sorry you have this difficulty. Seems to be paralyzing you a bit. :( I wonder if you could get some practice on video chat or on the phone or something. ??? I hope you get over it though. :)
 

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SAS Member
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They're people like yourself when it comes to regular stuff, like work, or studies, whatever. Not sure about other kinds of interactions.
 

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Super Meditator
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Well, I dunno what they are doing, but they should be makin me brekkie and washin me clothes.

(run fer it Dub, work those legs!!!!) :)
 
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