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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am going to be 23 years old this month and feeling more ready than ever to move out, into an apartment. I have been seriously thinking of it for a while now and lately have been feeling very trapped inside the house. It consumes my thoughts daily.
I already had a hard time concentrating on things and sitting still but these days i can't do anything for a continuous time except maybe reading. It may be lame to blame it on that but i feel it's related. It's not easy to explain why this is so. That issue is partially due to pre-existing problems that i just want to be able to blame on something else, but it is also true that this growing desire has caused them to worsen.
I am very confused right now and trying to work things out. It would be a good time to start a new chapter in my life.

A bit of background story: I have lived with my parents and older brother in the same location for all my life. It's just a small one-story house (small for 4 people) and there is not much space to function and do things. I do not need a mansion, just a one room or studio apartment i can rent and call my own for a while. Rent is not cheap, and it wouldn't be the best feeling to fork over that much money every month, but it would be a well-spent investment for the peace of mind and experience it would bring.

At this point in time, i have saved up money from a year and 4 months' worth of working at a part-time job. That's hardly financial security, but it would be enough for me to get by until i am able to support myself better (my goal is to get a second, supplementary job within the next 2 months.) My parents are extremely practical though. It doesn't help that my father is an accountant and very particular about money. Both parents usually support whatever my wishes but at the same time they are overprotective and seem quite hesitant about letting me go live on my own.
It's the past but i was dragged everywhere with my mother as a kid. The first time i was left at home alone was in middle school, and even that was just in the morning when my mom drove my brother to high school. Because my mom never worked a full-time job while i was alive, she was almost always at home. There was always someone at home and i never got much coveted alone time.

Anyway, that nonsense aside, i'm really just trying to say that i need my own space. My parents care a lot; they would undoubtedly be worried about my well-being, and want to make sure i am financially ready, but maybe they have other reasons, i really don't know. They do not seem to understand that i need emotional and mental breathing room, which is important to my health and sanity. I can compile out a whole ****nal of reasons why it is important, i can write an essay. But the hard part is actually coming forth and saying everything to them. The confrontation. I find it extremely difficult to confront people with anything. It is because of my own insecurity and self-hatred. It does not help that my older brother is still living at home, and he has never expressed any need or wish for independence or responsibility. Can't use this as an excuse, but there was no one there to set a precedent or example for me. It would cause a commotion in our small cluttered home where things rarely change. Someone like me, the antithesis of a leader, could never take charge and make this happen (it is my personal wavering certainty ((oxymoronic? Ha!)) that something large-scale or unexpected/ chaotic needs to happen in order for me to be able to make this dream a reality for me. No idea what. My imagination sucks.)

I really wish there was a way i could show and tell my parents that i am ready and willing to take all of my own responsibilities onto my shoulders and bear it all, good and bad. I wish i could say to them that i welcome struggle and want to experience the feeling. I want to struggle. I have never had to work hard for anything (except my own money, now) or struggle for anything in my life. I want to try my best and see if i can make it. Like a pioneer settling on the wild frontier. Sure there is a lot i can't do, and i have many fears, but one positive thing i seem to have is resilience. I usually make myself go and try again despite whatever difficulties, anxiety, awkwardness, embarrassment befalls me. I am up for the challenge.

Another issue is that I can't just go right out and ask for things. My way has always been to hint, and beat around the bush, and just hope whoever i'm talking to understands what i am trying to say and follows through. It is very ineffective but it's the only way i am capable of currently. So there's not really a way to bring this up, and even if it comes up somehow, I cannot do much other than give vague hints like, "maybe i'll be getting my own place soon," and there's nothing to back it up. That's the closest i have gotten, just a passing phrase that hints at my wish with a dash of wistfulness, but no real conviction or persuasion.

I feel like an eternal child and that i will never be able to escape. I want to be able to call my own shots, like eat what i want, step out the door whenever i want, and not have to always tell someone my whereabouts or who i am with. I don't want to have to explain every quirky thing i do and why.
Because i feel controlled (even so, i know it's not as bad as my warped brain wills me to believe. A tiny part of me that's frozen solid deep inside knows i can probably do anything i want, if i was determined enough, but that is uncomfortable and difficult, plus not the same as being totally free. So that little place stays frozen.

I almost never go out with people. I barely listen to music anymore. I can't do the kind of crafts i used to. I hate talking to people about myself because when they inevitably ask what i do, i will have nothing to say. I feel like nothing, nobody, like i have no identity (This is actually a very big problem in my life!) Anytime i buy something, i conceal it because i dont like walking through the door that way and having people see, know, etc. These things would surely change once i was on my own. I feel active but just can't do everything that i desire. It's somehow truly connected to this situation. It feels like i'm stagnating, rotting away.....i need fresh air soon.

My parents actually got married and moved halfway across the country at my current age. According to them, they were poor and built up their finances from that point. Things turned out fine and now they own their own home. I have tried to use that as a point to back me up, but that never seems to work. Maybe because my "arguments" are so weak, they always seem to dismiss it whenever i try to bring up this subject. I never get anywhere with it.

I will take this moment to say that i get along great with my family. I love my parents more than anyone else in the world. They are the most supportive and loving people ever. They understand that i have some problems -- things that seem trifling to others but very real and threatening to me -- and are always willing to help. They would even do things like order for me at restaurants and make phone calls for me....though i am doing better with that lately.
My brother annoys me, and not having to live with him would definitely be a relief. He is sloppy, eats other peoples' food, has an array of grating voices he uses and habits and behaviors that rub me the wrong way, but we are on a different wavelength from everyone else and he offers me a closeness i don't have with anyone else (only i can't confide in him seriously, which is a downside.)
But i just want my own life now. I would love to stay very closely in touch with my family, but just living my own separate life where i can be in charge of my own affairs.

So What i really need is advice. I don't know if all i typed above even makes sense. It feels like one big convoluted wall of words. (Unrelated to anxiety, most likely, but i do have a very difficult time "thinking straight." It was never as bad as it is now. I do not know what has caused this.)
But i had to get it out.
Opinions would help. Stories. Experiences. Anecdotes. I would love to hear from individuals who have moved out of their parents/caretakers' homes and started out on their own, and how they went about doing it.
Tell me if i sound like an idiot, or inconsiderate, unworthy and unkind. Am i asking too much? Do i seem to care about myself too much and not others?
It's true that i spend way too much time inside my own head, try hard to figure things out, worry too much, am too self-conscious. But maybe i am taking it too far?

I just want to know how to start, what to do, the best way to do this sort of thing. If you read this far, thanks. And sorry for this nonsense. Just frustrated. I'm no good at this kind of thing, and not really an experienced forum user...so...
 

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There's no need to apologize, you're in an awkward place and you want some help!

I moved out of my parent's house 2 years ago. I wasn't ready, but now the thought of going back is terrifying...I moved in to help my boyfriend with bills and stuff, and all I wanted to do was go back to the comforts of being at home. But I didn't and now I'm in my 3rd apartment and really enjoy the freedom. If I want to stay in bed until the sun goes down, then go get some breakfast when I get up at 7PM, no one can stop me~

You said you can't just come out and ask for things? What if you asked your parents, or brother even, if they'd help you find an apartment? Don't say you're moving out. Just ask "Will you people help me find an apartment?" If they say yes and don't ask why, then great! Start looking for a place. Bring one or both parents to tour a place, and ask them what they think about it. Is it livable? Is it a huge ripoff? Is the apartment in a bad part of town?

I think it's great that you've decided, without being told, that you want to move out!

Having over-protected parents suck, because to me it seems like they never got me ready to live on my own and instead just babied me until I couldn't take it anymore.
 

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I agree, it's great that you want to be independent of your parents. You feel the need to live your life, and moving away from your parents is an important step. I commend you and congratulate you on your decision. It's a brave one. :]

It sounds like you feel the need to ask your parents permission to start your own life. But the truth is, you don't. You're 23 years old and no one can stop you. You have proven to others and yourself that you can support yourself, so what's holding you back?

That being said, I can relate to your hesitancy. I'm sort of in the same boat as you. I'm also 23 and although I live in a different city than my parents to attend college, I am still financially dependent upon them. Recently I realized that they have been very successful in convincing me that they need to be in control of my life. But in reality I have to be in control! I know I'm an ok person with my own beliefs and values, and I really, really don't need to answer to them at this point. I need to make my own decisions. They won't be happy about it, I'm sure, but they'll get used to it. I mean, did they really expect to be in charge of me for the rest of my life? That's absurd. :p

So, let's become independent together, OP. I plan to declare independence by June, after I've saved up any amount of money that's above barely enough. It's going to be great! And we're in in together. :]

So what's your plan?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
There's no need to apologize, you're in an awkward place and you want some help!

I moved out of my parent's house 2 years ago. I wasn't ready, but now the thought of going back is terrifying...I moved in to help my boyfriend with bills and stuff, and all I wanted to do was go back to the comforts of being at home. But I didn't and now I'm in my 3rd apartment and really enjoy the freedom. If I want to stay in bed until the sun goes down, then go get some breakfast when I get up at 7PM, no one can stop me~

You said you can't just come out and ask for things? What if you asked your parents, or brother even, if they'd help you find an apartment? Don't say you're moving out. Just ask "Will you people help me find an apartment?" If they say yes and don't ask why, then great! Start looking for a place. Bring one or both parents to tour a place, and ask them what they think about it. Is it livable? Is it a huge ripoff? Is the apartment in a bad part of town?

I think it's great that you've decided, without being told, that you want to move out!

Having over-protected parents suck, because to me it seems like they never got me ready to live on my own and instead just babied me until I couldn't take it anymore.
Thanks! It's reassuring to hear from someone who's been where i am and became successful.
It sounds so appealing. That is exactly what i want to do. Just live at my own pace.
Asking for help looking for an apartment is the big leap; I know the simplest way is just to come out and ask. The problems in my way are as follows:
Asking for help looking basically translates to "I am planning on moving out", and i think the main reason my parents do not approve is that my finances are lacking. From what i've heard, it seems that they don't want me to do this sort of thing until i have way more money, a more large-scale job that provides more.....
I chuckled at the thought of asking my brother. Our friendship is based mostly on nonsense. He tends to drift away and lose interest after a while when people start to speak of serious matters... being able to confide in and receive practical, beneficial assistance from a sibling is something i have always coveted.
So how exactly did you start up that conversation? What was the first thing you said to your parents? How long from the time you first mentioned it til you moved in?
It seems that having a serious boyfriend is also a good reason. If i had a close friend or something and was thinking of sharing rent, my parents might be more willing to allow it....well...i'll have to see what happens in the near future.... maybe i can somehow muster up the guts to just go for it and ask straight up....
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I agree, it's great that you want to be independent of your parents. You feel the need to live your life, and moving away from your parents is an important step. I commend you and congratulate you on your decision. It's a brave one. :]

It sounds like you feel the need to ask your parents permission to start your own life. But the truth is, you don't. You're 23 years old and no one can stop you. You have proven to others and yourself that you can support yourself, so what's holding you back?

That being said, I can relate to your hesitancy. I'm sort of in the same boat as you. I'm also 23 and although I live in a different city than my parents to attend college, I am still financially dependent upon them. Recently I realized that they have been very successful in convincing me that they need to be in control of my life. But in reality I have to be in control! I know I'm an ok person with my own beliefs and values, and I really, really don't need to answer to them at this point. I need to make my own decisions. They won't be happy about it, I'm sure, but they'll get used to it. I mean, did they really expect to be in charge of me for the rest of my life? That's absurd. :p

So, let's become independent together, OP. I plan to declare independence by June, after I've saved up any amount of money that's above barely enough. It's going to be great! And we're in in together. :]

So what's your plan?
Thank you. I suppose it is quite a brave decision for someone as cowardly as me. You are spot on there; i should just be able to make my decision and follow through with it. But there's some kind of mental block that holds me back. Part of it is also that i try to do the right thing to gain approval from my parents and if it seems as if they are not mostly in favor of what i want, i let it go.... additionally, they (well, just my mother really,) can hold resentment for long periods of time, for instance, to this day she is still sore that i did not walk at graduation almost 5 years ago... i am afraid to go against their wishes for fear that our relationship will turn sour or something....it's important to me to keep it good. So i sort of want to get them used to the idea little by little, hopefully with their approval there all the way. Of course on the other hand i could just declare that i'm moving out, make the arrangements and just do it, and see what happens. But it's maybe a bit too daring and the negative consequences could be too great. Hahah.

Your resolutions are firm and sound so admirable. I'm glad to see that and hope you follow through. It's inspiring for me and what makes it even better is that we're close in age and you seem to have a similar mindset. I think it can only be a plus that you already had a taste of living independently because of college. What are you studying by the way?
Definitely, we'll both try. I wish you good luck with your plan. Feel free to update me if anything happens.
I'm hoping to get another job really soon. My plan is simply to consume my life with working for the time being (since i can do little else) and just raise money...while somehow simultaneously proving i can support myself...somehow tell my parents and get them convinced.....no goal date yet but i want it to be 2014 for sure. Wishing the best. :)
 
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