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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Basically, I'm not attractive, have never been, will probably never be. I used to be overweight, suffered with an eating disorder, then recovered to an average weight, but I look chubby, with a lumpy stomach and thighs. My face is asymmetrical, I'm tall, terrible hair which grew back thick and unruly after alopecia, and I don't fulfil traditional beauty standards.

Everywhere I go, there are beautiful people. Adverts, the high street, the internet etc. All my friends are attractive. Whenever I'm in a group of people I feel ignored or useless, and I feel as if my opinion is considered invalid because I'm not 'beautiful' enough to be worthy of recognition. People around me are acknowledged, whereas I am ignored. How do you cope with constantly feelimg ugly and being treated as such? I feel miserable because I don't conform to societal norms and can't help feeling that if I was attractive my life would be so much better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He disagrees, but I can't help but think he's only being nice, when I've heard different from so many other people.
 

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Imagine you're in a school cafeteria carrying your lunch tray looking for a place to sit. In this school all the beautiful people sit together, average people together and ugly people have their own table.

Yes, it's societies fault that the tables are segregated in this way. But your fear that you belong with the ugly people is your fault. You want to sit with the beautiful people. You can't blame society for that.

You're so afraid that you belong with the ugly people that you leave the cafeteria to eat somewhere alone.

Where do you want to sit?
 

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He disagrees, but I can't help but think he's only being nice, when I've heard different from so many other people.
he might love you who knows, don't lose someone who actually likes you.

I would treat myself beautifully so you can be even MORE beautiful within. I mean I am sick and tired of looking at all these hot women without a brain. If you have one please appreciate it :p thanks for reading.

and honestly looks are just icing on the cake. Those who care will enjoy the cake either way, those who are picky will complain. So which would you like to be?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@AngelClare That's a pretty awesome analogy, I hadn't thought of it like that :) It just gets to me, it's not fully about wanting to be beautiful, I would just like to conform, to feel I deserve respect and acknowledgement, rather than being held back by my looks. It's just incredibly disheartening to feel unworthy.


@justlittleme I think he does love me, even though I find it hard to believe, I just don't understand how he can. I am permanently worried that one day he will wake up and realize that he can get someone much better, rather than an ugly headcase. Haha, I think I've developed a brain because I didn't have much else to work with :p true about the cake thing, it would just be nice to be the cake people look at and think 'hm, look at that cake, that looks like a nice cake' rather than 'oh god what is that cake, is it even legal to have a cake that nauseating on display?'
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
oh, I'm all for the eating of cookies, it's just followed with the 'oh wow, you wonder why you're fat and nobody likes you'.

this has made me feel like watching a movie though :p
 

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Jesus, you obviously are attractive to someone if you have a bf. Try being a guy who’s unattractive, your practically treated as subhuman.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Fair point, I'd just like it if I could be at least average in the looks department. And to some extent get what you mean by being treated as subhuman, when I was overweight people literally used to laugh whenever I spoke and just genuinely treat me like a whale who needed harpooning. And I'm pretty sure you're going to be attractive to someone out there!
 

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Basically, I'm not attractive, have never been, will probably never be. I used to be overweight, suffered with an eating disorder, then recovered to an average weight, but I look chubby, with a lumpy stomach and thighs. My face is asymmetrical, I'm tall, terrible hair which grew back thick and unruly after alopecia, and I don't fulfil traditional beauty standards.

Everywhere I go, there are beautiful people. Adverts, the high street, the internet etc. All my friends are attractive. Whenever I'm in a group of people I feel ignored or useless, and I feel as if my opinion is considered invalid because I'm not 'beautiful' enough to be worthy of recognition. People around me are acknowledged, whereas I am ignored. How do you cope with constantly feelimg ugly and being treated as such? I feel miserable because I don't conform to societal norms and can't help feeling that if I was attractive my life would be so much better.
Im not going to lie and say being beautiful is over rated, because thats not true. Most of the girls ive fallen for are usually average to pretty but at the same time they have a very beautiful personality. They're happy, joke around with everyone, don't have a stick up their *** and don't judge you.

I think that you should go to the gym and get in better shape than you are currently and gain some confidence.

Besides, you have a boyfriend so theres obviously someone out there who doesn't think you're ugly. I myself am a pretty good looking guy, girls check me from time to time, but due to my personality, ive never had a girlfriend before.

So yeah, don't worry too much and get some self confidence, you'll be fine. You're also young so don't worry too much and have fun.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I've actually started going to the gym lately, but I'm currently banned from exercise for medical reasons. About the confidence thing, I have no idea how to get confidence, aw ridiculous as that sounds, I can be confident around people I know well, but I tend to freeze in social situations and either burble or just sit there completely silent :/ true I guess! Haha, wise words at the end, I'll try! :)
 

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Firstly, when it comes to respect, being a well groomed average is better than being a sloppy-looking pretty. Fresh breath, great clothes, shiny hair and beautiful skin can do more than a symmetrical face.
Being tall is good when it comes to respect, and being listened to.
Secondly, from the groups of people I have observed, the good-looking ones do get more respect and recognition, but they are rarely the ones who are liked the most. This is because beauty is only one quality out of many. It's always the funny one, the noble one, the self confident one, etc. Pretty is almost always second.

I won't lie to you, though. When I'm plain with a baggy jacket, I'm invisible to the general population, yet if I'm wearing full makeup and tight black clothes, both men and women are much happier to help. The only times I've gotten more attention is on my happy days, I basically get the charisma of a cult leader - this is not very sustainable, though.

These reactions has led me to not wear makeup very much at all. It makes me unhappy that I am treated like I'm special for my(fake) looks. What I've learned is, it does not do anything for my general popularity. In fact, since I've focused on curing SA, I'm much more liked than I was in my better looking days. People in public still ignore me, and I have to 'fight' more to get respect, but in the long-term, it doesn't make a difference. People you see regularly simply forget.

You need to deal with this by not giving up on yourself. You can groom yourself or don't, but do not let the thought of 'being ugly' dictate you do. I think you should focus on other things - not to make up for being ugly, but to shift focus from things you lack to things you potentially could achieve.

It is destructive to blame your looks on why people treat you badly. Since your looks is not something you can control very much, you have put yourself in a position where you are basically helpless. If you focused on things you can change, you would not only gain control over yourself, but other people as well.
 

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Well first off, those traditional standards of beauty that you see on the Internet, advertisements, magazines, celebrities, etc. are not attainable. They've all been Photoshopped and edited to an extent so that the people look thinner, have flawless skin, and unrealistic proportions. Don't compare yourself to them or think they're the only standard of beauty, because as cliche as it sounds, everyone has something about them that can be seen as beautiful or attractive.

Beauty also isn't something that's external. It's how you feel about yourself, how you project yourself to other people. Do you make people laugh? Do you make people feel comfortable around you? There must be endearing qualities about you if your friends/boyfriend enjoy hanging around you :)

Obviously developing higher confidence and self esteem won't happen over night, but don't focus so much on negative aspects. You've lost weight! You might not be stick thin, but that doesn't mean you're not attractive. Find clothes that are flattering for your specific body type and express your personality! I'll see plenty of women who are curvy and have a few extra pounds, but know how to dress well and put on make up.

If you want a higher sense of confidence and self esteem, it comes from you. Not from other people validating who you are. Your self worth is more than compliments or comments from strangers :) think about what makes you happy rather than what everyone else is chasing after.
 

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@justlittleme I think he does love me, even though I find it hard to believe, I just don't understand how he can. I am permanently worried that one day he will wake up and realize that he can get someone much better, rather than an ugly headcase. Haha, I think I've developed a brain because I didn't have much else to work with :p true about the cake thing, it would just be nice to be the cake people look at and think 'hm, look at that cake, that looks like a nice cake' rather than 'oh god what is that cake, is it even legal to have a cake that nauseating on display?'

I know I wish the whole world thought like that, but what can I tell others about sense. They don't know what is worth it... they just know about the shallow things.
 

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newyorkeyes said:
and can't help feeling that if I was attractive my life would be so much better.
In what way would your life be better? You already have a boyfriend. AFAICT that is the main point of being attractive in the first place. It is certainly true that ugly people are second class citizens in general and that beautiful people look down on us as being less than fully human, but again how is this hurting you in any practical way? I hate to say it but it sounds a bit like you just want the power that truly beautiful girls have. That you want to be admired by a lot of people like them. I don't think that would make you happy.
 

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Your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive. He might be nice, but he is human: we are self-interested at best. And he would not choose to be with you, to the exclusion of all others, unless he had some sort of benefit or payoff. And assuming that you, or someone else, aren't paying him to go out with you, the benefit is that he likes you, finds you attractive, and wants to be with you.
 

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In what way would your life be better? You already have a boyfriend. AFAICT that is the main point of being attractive in the first place. It is certainly true that ugly people are second class citizens in general and that beautiful people look down on us as being less than fully human, but again how is this hurting you in any practical way? I hate to say it but it sounds a bit like you just want the power that truly beautiful girls have. That you want to be admired by a lot of people like them. I don't think that would make you happy.
If you read all her posts thoroughly, she says she would be happy to just become 'average'. She wants more power, of course, but only because she feel disadvantaged as compared to other people. She wants fair play.
On a side note, it is amusing to note that people keep saying 'you have a BF, what do you need looks for?'. Like, if the girl already has a boyfriend, it is shallow to want to be prettier. In a world where culture values beauty(for women especially), is it really that hard to imagine that looks can be beneficial for something else than getting a admiration from men?

I agree that it won't make her happy, though. But, she also says she has had an eating disorder, and then proceeds to criticize her body. As you probably know, people with eating disorders project their level of self-esteem onto their looks. As a result, they have distorted views of their bodies, and how others perceive them. I suppose that is the reason she is so focused on this. She just wants to feel normal
 

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It is very difficult since looks play a huge role in society. I'm not sure what to say. But at least you have somebody who finds you attractive to the point where they want to date you. That's more than I can say.
 
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