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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This isn't fully about anxiety preventing me from making friends.

Rather, what I've never understood is how the friend-making process even works in the first place. I can never manage to stay in contact with people even if I think we get along well. There are times when I'll meet a nice person at school and somehow end up in an enriching conversation, then never see them again. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll have until the end of the semester with a person before it's essentially goodbye forever. I just can't keep anyone in my life.

If anyone could help explain this mysterious science to me, I would appreciate it. It's like everyone was given a "how to make friends" manual except me and I don't understand something that should be simple...
 

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I agree that it's tough, but I think it is for most people, not just you. I think people usually have a core group by the time they're out of high school, so they don't feel the need to branch out and meet people and become close friends with anyone. Because of that, they feel less pressure and can easily be themselves around others in their class or whatever, and they may happen to meet some people they have a lot in common with, but that's luck, which is what I'm hoping for but might not it get.

So for young people who don't have friends from high school, I don't know. I have absolutely no clue, hell if I knew that I wouldn't be here nearly as often as I am, and I would have shared that golden secret with all of you by now. Join clubs, put yourself out there, all that jazz and hope for the best is all I can say..
 

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Its a 2 way street ya know. The process imo is all in the communication. Hmmm here 2 bad examples.

Ok. example 1: Girl calls and text me every now and then. Her calling atleast once a week is certain. Thats it I never call or text her. Ever. If she wants a convo she has to ask for it. Thats a bad friend because the street goes 1 way.

Example 2: Friend calls every once in awhile to invite you places. You decline and give a quick excuse. Also a bad friend. Its okay every once and awhile but cmon they want to bond. Also a 1 way street[1 way plus a road block haha]

If you really want to keep a friend you have to work for it at the beginning. [becomes an effortless task later] Work= Say hi once in awhile. [I know thats work for me lol]

See when you call or text someone it basically means "Hey, I still know you. Hows it been." and with someone of the opposite sex I like to think subconsciously they are saying "Hey, I randomly thought about you today. How are you?"

Cause if not the other person will eventually think you forgot them, and usually they never forget you. They are just ignoring us cause we are unconsciously ignoring them.

Make sense? I hope so lol.
 

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This is a great question. When my sister was in France recently for a semester abroad, she found herself in a somewhat similar predicament and started to realize some things about herself and friendships She has friends back in the states, but I think that she started to notice a pattern that her friendships weren't as genuine as she wanted them to be. she realized that she is good at initially making a good connection with people, but over time things cool off a lot, and the type of connection she wants never really comes to fruition.

For myself, I have never really been good at maintaining friendships. When I did have friends, they didn't last, and they weren't deep or meaningful connections. Just people I talked too sometimes. I think with me, I like the idea of friendships more than I actually like having friends. But the issue comes up for me when I really do start to get lonely and wanting people whom I can reach out too just to talk too and hang out with for a bit. I think it's a combination of me being a natural loner and also being awkwrd at social interactions.

I used to have those random connections when I was attending school, as well. There would be a few people that I would actually like talking too and want to form a friendship with, but by the end of a semester, they had either transferred schools or I just wouldn't see them again, really.
 

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I feel the exact same way. What I have learned is that it is not 'weird' to ask a guy to hang out if you share a hobby like skateboarding, or maynbe you can ask if he wants to come over and play MW3... If you have a nice appartment or home, invite him over for nd order pizza. Even BETTER is to meet TWO people in your class and create a group of the 3 of you so inviting them both over won't be so weird as it might if it were just 1 person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I have issues with asking people to "hang out" with me because I never know if the time is right. It's like, at what point is it acceptable to ask that of someone? At what point can you ask for a phone number or send a Facebook request? (And even then, once I have their contact information, who's to say I'll have the courage to use it?)

I also have issues with trusting people. Trust is a big part of it... I've already been put in serious danger in the past because I made the mistake of trusting a dishonest but charismatic person, and I don't want to risk making "friends" with someone like that again. But if I never take the risk, I'll never make a real friend either.
 

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I have issues with asking people to "hang out" with me because I never know if the time is right. It's like, at what point is it acceptable to ask that of someone? At what point can you ask for a phone number or send a Facebook request? (And even then, once I have their contact information, who's to say I'll have the courage to use it?)
This is how I feel, I almost always wait for the other person to ask to get contact info, and have probably lost a lot of opportunities that way.

To be honest, this isn't good advice, but my friendships have just kind of happened.
 

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I agree that it's tough, but I think it is for most people, not just you. I think people usually have a core group by the time they're out of high school, so they don't feel the need to branch out and meet people and become close friends with anyone. Because of that, they feel less pressure and can easily be themselves around others in their class or whatever, and they may happen to meet some people they have a lot in common with, but that's luck, which is what I'm hoping for but might not it get.
I agree in that I also think that a lot of people have their core group of friends pretty much set in place by the time they graduate from high school. After that, if they go to college and particpate in activities and things like that, the chances are there to make more friends and acquantances, but they still have people that they have known for a long time. I never has this since I drifted toward being more of a loner in high school, and that's also when my SA started, as well. Then when I went to college, it wasn't the best place to really have the opportunity to meet a lot of people because it was a very small school and the environment was very clickish. I picked the worse choice of colleges. Blech.
 

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If it's in a class, it's really helpful when there is a group project or a test to study for --- get their number. And studying/working on a project is a great way to spend time together outside of class. Otherwise... It's really about making the effort to keep in contact. If you sit by them once and feel friendly chemistry, try and sit by them again another day (or walk with them somewhere, or stop by wherever you met them or whatever). Just keep up the contact, even if it feels like putting yourself out there too much (I get anxious about it, but most people find it completely acceptable, and welcome, for an acquaintance to try to spend more time with them).
 

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Although I do have a few friends, I still wonder about this too. I basically have 4 friends. What sucks is only two of them are friends with each other. Therefore, I pretty much never get to practice hanging out in a group situation which I'm sure would help me with my SA. Somehow. Idk...I just feel like it would. I haven't been in a friends group situation since high school really.

The 4 friends are all from high school. I floated through different groups so each of the 4 are from a different group. What I find interesting though is I never really had to "make" friends. I just sort of "inherited" them.

I had a group of friends in elementary school (this was the only time I ever made friends on my own). When we moved on to intermediate school, they sort of melded with some other kids and these new kids became my friends as well. I never had to do the friend making work...I just became these new peoples's friend by proximity. My elementary school friends had done the work. Eventually I stopped being friends with the people from elementary school but kept these new intermediate school friends.

The same thing happened when I got to high school...my friends from intermediate started to meld with some new people who became my friends. Eventually I stopped being friends with the people from intermediate school...now I had inherited a new group of high school friends.

I went to a community college and at that school, everyone there pretty much remained friends with whoever they went to high school with. So yeah.

I know some people make friends with their coworkers but I have never really clicked with any of my co workers. They just aren't into the same things I am into! Crap...
 

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I don't know. Sometimes I ask myself how I even became friends with my friends.

Most of the time they showed interest in me (asked me to do things, chatted with me) and I reciprocated, something clicks, and I wait until they think I'm too boring for them and dump me :(
 

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Most of us are having the exact same problem I'd have to reach out to them, some reject my invites some want my company, those are the ones that stay with you for years

Were here for you, I can be your friend
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well, today I was in class and the girl sitting behind me asked if she could borrow my pen. At first I just nodded and handed it to her, but then I thought "omg what am I doing" and decided to chat a little, just talking about classes and stuff. Even if nothing really comes of it every little attempt to reach out is a triumph, so I'm proud of myself for today.
 

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I've only made good friends with people that really try to reach out to me. Trying to make friends myself? I always hold back in fear they don't like me.

Though I think a good step to making friends is doing an activity with them that you are both interested in. Studying for the same class is good enough to start a friendship even.





nice touhou avatar by the way
 

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I think everyone, to some degree, will find it challenging to make new friends, because at some point to bridge between acquaintance and friend one person has to initiate and risk rejection - which nobody enjoys! The whole process itself is pretty naturally evolving..you chat to someone, maybe over a number of occasions...then if you like them and feel like you have a lot in common, one of you asks if youd like to hang out or do something sometime. Hopefully they are eager and glad you asked...and from there you meet up and it just gets easier. The problem is a lot of times people will be busy, have a lot of other friends already, not be as interested as you are in them....and those outings never happen, or they happen very rarely no matter how many times you ask and invite others to hang out (my problem!).
 

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I don't know. Sometimes I ask myself how I even became friends with my friends.

Most of the time they showed interest in me (asked me to do things, chatted with me) and I reciprocated, something clicks, and I wait until they think I'm too boring for them and dump me :(
Yeah, I don't even know how my only friend and I became friends. On the first day of school, she just walked out of the class and asked me where me and her should sit for lunch. We'd gone to school for years, but never talked before. I sat with her because I had no friends, and then we just became inseparable.

After that, I never really made any friends. I had a friend, so i figured I didn't need more. But now I really want more friends, but I still don't know how to make them.
 

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Well, today I was in class and the girl sitting behind me asked if she could borrow my pen. At first I just nodded and handed it to her, but then I thought "omg what am I doing" and decided to chat a little, just talking about classes and stuff. Even if nothing really comes of it every little attempt to reach out is a triumph, so I'm proud of myself for today.
That's great! I think it's all about your attitude. If you have a nice and approachable attitude and can get yourself to initiate conversations with strangers it all becomes a lot easier. I think what you mention is also very important, not to expect too much from it. If you're having a conversation with someone and keep thinking 'Ok now I'll have to be really nice because maybe something good can come from this' you'll be f***ed. It's better to give your full attention and expect nothing in return.

I myself find it really hard to make friends because somehow I'm too scared to give all of myself in conversations and in group settings. I have one best friend who has been around basically since the beginning of my life. Apart from that I'm in some groups from university but I don't really consider those friend groups (these groups formed more or less by chance because we had to do assignments together or whatever). Also I don't feel like I have that much in common with those people although we do have fun together at times. But maybe I'm having too much expectations of what 'real friendship' is or just too much obsessed with the concept whatsoever.
 
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