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Ambivalent
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634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm very afraid when it comes to hearing what people think about me. When I see someone look at me for a while like staring for example, I think it's probably cause they think I'm a freak and they want to point out something. I'm very insecure and I have trouble trusting people around me. Ever since I was bullied in middle school and a bit of the start of high school (about 4-5 months ago), what people view me and think of me has been a huge deal for me. I don't want people hating me anymore and hurt me. To be honest, I am scared so scared that sometimes I can't be like the person I want to be. I want to be able to live life the way I want; I want to be able to help others and stand up for them but sometimes I just can't. I'm too afraid to. That leads me to that question... How many of you would hate me?

I'm a hypocrite, I tell people to not hurt others and treat them how they wanted to be treated. I can't stand bullies and people who makes fun of others for their own entertainment. Lately, I am disgusted with myself. I realize how sometimes, in order for me to fit in, I make fun of others and talk behind their back saying stuff like "Oh I don't know why she does that. Isn't she just such a b**t?" and stuff like "yeah,she probably slept with so many dudes already.what a S**t"" and I'm really ashamed of it. I couldn't stand people that treat me that way back then and even now, so I don't understand why I do that to others when I know it's something I don't want to do. Sometimes, I tease people about their crush right in front of their face and be like "you wuv that boy so much don't you? you want him so much don't you? don't you gurl don't you?" and I'll talk about it to the guy like it's no big deal and the girl will just be hurt. Sometimes in class and some people can't solve something so simple, I'll just say "wow. are you dropped on your head when you were a child? your so stupid. even a first grader can do this" I don't understand why I'm like that. It's just something that I believe is not me. I always feel like I have two personality. One is the nice, caring, understanding while the other is just a mean,cold stabbing b**t that flirt 24/7 when she feels like it. And now I look back at it.

I am such a bully. I do deserve to be bullied by others.I do deserve to be called names, pushed around, and have people to tell me to go die. I just feel like I treat some people just so horribly and I didn't even care about their own feelings. So I guess here's my question to you.

If you saw me at school and saw me act like a total bully to someone, would you hate me? Or would you try to understand why I am like that?

-sigh- I really am a bad person, aren't i?
 

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443 Posts
What you're doing must stop. If you are saying such hateful things to other people you can never love yourself and be happy. I am your age too, and obviously a girl. I have experienced depression and self-destruction ever since I was 8. So I wouldn't hate you or judge you :) There is a reason behind everything. If you learnt to slowly open up your heart again, your life will begin to change. I had trust issues too, but try and establish trustworthy relationships with people. Give people a chance. If it doesn't work out, hey, **** happens. And if you aren't sure of people, just be neutral with them. Don't go pouring your heart out to them, but just make small talk or smile and wave to them. You'll make friends or good acquaintances out of this :)
The flirting is a definite sign of ill self-esteem. I have never resorted to this, but a lot of girls do. You are trying to prove your worth to males, therefore prove your worth to females. Do you have a dysfunctional family? Bad relationship with your dad?

Stop beating yourself up! you're going through a difficult time where you don't know who you are and what you want. Do you have a counsellor? if not, go see one. I have a counsellor that I see regularly.

Good luck, I really really wish you the best of luck for the future :) Reading stories like yours make me emotional... lol, sorry I'm a stranger.
Anyway, message me if you wanna talk anymore. I understand what you're going through.
 

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Persona Non Grata
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2,009 Posts
I wouldn't hate you, I don't think many people here would. Everyone makes mistakes, and the fact that you feel guilt, and wish you hadn't done it, shows that you're not a bad person.
Don't beat yourself up.
You should just try to control yourself, and not insult or bully others. If you've treated one or two people particularly badly, try to make it up to them (eg apologise). You don't have to think of yourself as a bully forever.
 

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Hiding under a bed
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12 Posts
I wouldn't hate you, because I'm kind of the same. I always end up saying more negative things than positive, and sometimes I really hate myself for it. But I wouldn't judge anyone for that behavior, because there might be something that causes it. Could just be my "Don't hate, dislike" thing I've been working on though. I think of hate as being an extreme version of disliking, in which the person is intolerable, and you'd much rather they just die. Dislike being what most people call hate, of course.
 

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Ambivalent
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634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
This means a lot to me you guys. Thanks. I kinda know how I should treat people now and how they think when I do that. But I guess everyone is different. I'm trying my best to be the nicer part of me now. Thanks :)
 
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