how do you let someone know you're not interested?

606 Views 29 Replies 16 Participants Last post by PolarBear, Jul 16, 2009

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · Apr 14, 2009

i've been friends with this guy for a few years... he was telling me about how girls always think of him as just a friend, which i do-- anyway i gave him a peptalk and listed reasons any girl would be lucky to date him, at which point he promptly expressed interest in me and asked what i would say if he asked me out. i carefully told him i'd say no and reasoned that i have social anxiety (but that's only half of it), and he seemed to accept that, but i'm not sure he really got the message. what do i do to indicate to him that i don't want to date him? he's a good friend to me, and i don't want to lose that.

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scaredtolive

· #2 · Apr 14, 2009

I think you said enough. I don't see why it's necessary to list other reasons for not being interested in him. By saying what you said hopefully you got the point across while at the same time allowing him to save face. If he brings it up again just reiterate what you already told him. He'll get the picture.

Just Lurking

· #3 · Apr 14, 2009

If he brings it up again, try something along the lines of, "I want you as a friend but I don't see us being any more than that." If he asks why, just say again: "I like you as a friend, but not in that way."

Using your SA as a reason is OK, but he may wind up seeing that more as a challenge than a rejection. "Oh all I have to do is pull her out of her shell." (He hears "maybe" instead of "no".)

Under Pressure

· #4 · Apr 14, 2009

Be like, "I put you in the friend zone long ago and once you get in the friend zone, there's no coming back out of the friend zone." J/K

Just tell him that you have goals in life that you want to accomplish before you even think about possibly, being in a relationship with anyone, at a young age.

There's this girl who like's me, back in Indiana and I never pursued a relationship with her, because I knew that in the long run it wouldn't work out, because it would interefere with my biggest goals in life and plus I never was that attracted to her.

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · #5 · Apr 14, 2009

Under Pressure said:
Be like, "I put you in the friend zone long ago and once you get in the friend zone, there's no coming back out of the friend zone." J/K

Just tell him that you have goals in life that you want to accomplish before you even think about possibly, being in a relationship with anyone, at a young age.

There's this girl who like's me, back in Indiana and I never pursued a relationship with her, because I knew that in the long run it wouldn't work out, because it would interefere with my biggest goals in life and plus I never was that attracted to her.

i don't want to lie to him... that would ruin our friendship i'm pretty sure...

Bredwh

· #6 · Apr 14, 2009

Why aren't you interested him? Is it just because you don't want to lose him as a friend? I think that the ideal relationship would be with someone who is your best friend.

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · #7 · Apr 14, 2009

Bredwh said:
Why aren't you interested him? Is it just because you don't want to lose him as a friend? I think that the ideal relationship would be with someone who is your best friend.

we're not THAT close, but we are good friends... i'm just not attracted to him. he's nice, but he's not what i'm looking for.

Under Pressure

· #8 · Apr 14, 2009

Just tell him that you both have a good friendship going and that you don't want to jeopardize it.

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · #9 · Apr 14, 2009

Under Pressure said:
Just tell him that you both have a good friendship going and that you don't want to jeopardize it.

i'm just worried that saying something like that gives the impression that i would date him under other circumstances.

Under Pressure

· #10 · Apr 14, 2009

Just tell him that he isn't your type. Tell him you want to be strictly friends. If he is truly a good friend of yours, he should understand.

Bredwh

· #11 · Apr 14, 2009

You might lose him either way because if he likes you too much he may not be able to bear the thought of remaining just friends.

mjatte

· #12 · Apr 14, 2009

he's going to be hurt..but make it clear and save him the confusion! say we will never be more than friends, I don't like you...you need to say it like that or he may keep trying, he needs to move on, make sure he is moving on...

Prodigal Son

· #13 · Apr 14, 2009

Crap, that is a really tough situation. What sucks is this was all sparked because you were trying to be a good friend and build him up by telling him of his positive qualities, maybe you should have said "maybe they don't find you attractive"

I'm not sure that would work well either.

Also, he gets rejected by the very thing he fears and initially asks (just friends)...I wonder if he sensed this with you and was fishing with that statement "girls always think of me as just a friend"

Yeah, I'd be conflicted, you want to be honest, but don't want to hurt his feelings and ruin the friendship. I don't know about saying "I don't like you..." because you do like him as a friend, so the whole "I don't like you in that way, but I still want you as my friend" speech...that sounds kind of cliche doesn't it? I don't know, I guess I'm not much help, but I'd definitely would want to tell the truth as well.

Damn, these topics make me realize that sometimes you really have to get over yourself, accept the rejection, and move on.

Good luck.

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Dothan

· #14 · Apr 14, 2009

the way you write about him here he seems to be creepy. do you feel creepy imagine dating him?
tell him he is not your type and thats it, also it would be the truth.

Kelly

· #15 · Apr 14, 2009

I learned long ago that when guy friends bemoan their lack of attractiveness to girls that it's a *very bad* idea to compliment them. They're desperate if it's gotten to the point where they make this complaint, and all they see is "OMG! A girl is complimenting me!!" They might make a play for you. Then it's just awkward.

For future reference, it's best to stay general, "Oh, come on, X. You're a great guy. You'll find someone." The "someone" is a signal that means "not me."

Have a nice day,
Kelly

Fireflylight

· #16 · Apr 14, 2009

tigerlilly said:
we're not THAT close, but we are good friends... i'm just not attracted to him. he's nice, but he's not what i'm looking for.

say something like that to him.

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · #17 · Apr 14, 2009

i even told him *before he said any of this* that i was interested in someone else.

and he's been sending me IMs fairly frequently, like once or twice a day. i usually don't respond because he never sends them when i'm actually at the computer. and i never thought about it before, but now i realize why he does that.

i don't want to think of him as creepy. he's a really nice guy. just really desperate i guess.

Thomas Paine

· #18 · Apr 14, 2009

I think you should just be honest with him and break his heart. He'll get over it and be stronger for it. The more you feel sorry for him, the more he's going to feel sorry for himself. And if he stops being your friend because of it, then he never really was your friend in the first place. Maybe even try to explain that to him also. Then in a couple months you'll probably find yourself being attracted to him because he doesn't need you anymore, lol.

Zephyr

· #19 · Apr 14, 2009

tigerlilly said:
i've been friends with this guy for a few years... he was telling me about how girls always think of him as just a friend, which i do-- anyway i gave him a peptalk and listed reasons any girl would be lucky to date him, at which point he promptly expressed interest in me and asked what i would say if he asked me out. i carefully told him i'd say no

Yeah, sorry to say, but it was a BIG mistake to say that. If you give him all these compliments, and say "any girl" would be lucky to have him, then the obvious question is why don't *you* get with him? Obviously you don't like him in that way, but by not making that an option in your pep talk, you boxed yourself into a corner of your own making. I'm sure you mean well, but it makes you sound like a hypocrite.

Like Kelly said above, it's probably to better to keep the comments more low key, and talk about how some girls could like those qualities, not, you know, all girls.

tigerlilly

Discussion Starter · #20 · Apr 14, 2009

Zephyr said:
Yeah, sorry to say, but it was a BIG mistake to say that. If you give him all these compliments, and say "any girl" would be lucky to have him, then the obvious question is why don't *you* get with him? Obviously you don't like him in that way, but by not making that an option in your pep talk, you boxed yourself into a corner of your own making. I'm sure you mean well, but it makes you sound like a hypocrite.

Like Kelly said above, it's probably to better to keep the comments more low key, and talk about how some girls could like those qualities, not, you know, all girls.

i said a lot of things like "you'll find someone" and "one day you'll meet a great girl, and you'll just KNOW." i don't think i actually said "any girl." at least, i hope not...

and obviously i handled it badly. i should've been careful.

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