Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
MBTI: INFJ Enneagram:4w5
Joined
·
2,192 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know this is a relationship issue, but I want it to stay in the 30+ members because I DON'T want the opinion of the average age of this site. I want the opinion of those of you who have been married and (preferably) still are or it only ended recently.

Last January (2013) my husband hurt me badly. He was never physically abusive to me, but he went through an extremely emotionally needy time, he became somewhat verbally abusive toward me, and it was obvious he was trying to push me away. I told him then that I was thinking of leaving him. He begged me to stay, and told me that he would try to change, which, I would say a year and a half later, he HAS successfully done. It took me eight more months to begin to even trust him again.

He has let me know that he never really wanted me to leave, but he wanted to be free to kill himself and he could not do that if I was still with him. He sought help and counseling, and has not ever been verbally abusive since. He is not usually suicidal anymore either.

So I stayed, and it's been a year and a half since the incident. We have a good relationship. We're good friends. We just don't have a good marriage. The spark is gone. Sometimes I wonder if it was really there, or if it was just the fact that I was desperate to hold onto someone I had feelings for since my family separated me from the one other person I had ever loved, and was in the process of trying to arrange a marriage for me. It was find someone I could stand to be with or be forced into marriage to someone I didn't want.

I had been told that physical attraction was wrong, sinful, and unnecessary, not that I could get an attractive man anyway with my looks. So I ended up with a guy who was 275 pounds. I was his first girlfriend. My family didn't want me marrying him. Five years later we went homeless to do so. By this point he had lost 100 pounds. However he is back up to 275 now. He's fat, and I'm not attracted to him anymore. He IS attracted to me though, even though I don't understand why. We have no money for a gym, and it's hard to walk long distances in 100 degree heat. In addition to him being fat, we were virgins when we married and I found out that I am too small for him to fit. It's worse now that he's packed 100 pounds back on. We have had sex twice this year so far. I just can't get into it, and because of that I can't get lubed enough for him to fit, even with lube.

We have slept apart since a year into our marriage because he snores, hogs the bed, and steals the covers. Even with a king size I often ended up on the floor. We're like two roomates that have a good friendship. There is just nothing romantic left.

I am apart of almost every aspect of his life. He's trying to write a novel, and I have influenced much of it, so I am afraid to leave. I don't think he would have the heart to finish it if I do. Then too, I don't want to hurt him by leaving. He has High Functioning Autism, and in some ways is so low functioning that I'm the only person keeping him going. In some ways I'm a caregiver/good friend. Just not a wife.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: Do I stay in a marriage where there is no abuse, a good solid friendship, but no romance, no attraction, and no sex? If I leave, how can I leave without ruining the friendship?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,061 Posts
No simple answer or advice. I'm thinking it's a matter of priorities. Sounds to me that it's more than just lack of sex in the marriage. A person you care deeply about, you are willing to make compromises. Maybe the foundation of the marriage was not strong enough in the first place.
I'd say focus on what the marriage is doing for you emotionally and psychologically. Are you growing as a person? Is he too dependant? Maybe he needs to be in a relationship where he has more responsibility. Someone equally as needy as him or even more needy.
Do you have the same values? Are you headed in the same direction? If not, my gut feeling is it is time to leave. But only my perspective, mind you.
 

·
MBTI: INFJ Enneagram:4w5
Joined
·
2,192 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
No simple answer or advice. I'm thinking it's a matter of priorities. Sounds to me that it's more than just lack of sex in the marriage. A person you care deeply about, you are willing to make compromises. Maybe the foundation of the marriage was not strong enough in the first place.
I'd say focus on what the marriage is doing for you emotionally and psychologically. Are you growing as a person? Is he too dependant? Maybe he needs to be in a relationship where he has more responsibility. Someone equally as needy as him or even more needy.
Do you have the same values? Are you headed in the same direction? If not, my gut feeling is it is time to leave. But only my perspective, mind you.
We do have the same values and are heading the same direction. That's another reason I've been hesitant. But all physical attraction is gone.
 

·
Life is funny
Joined
·
1,688 Posts
For many reasons I say no, don't stay. You pretty much already know this but you need someone to tell you it's OK. It's clear that you married the guy for all the wrong reasons but because you're probably scared to be alone you're sticking around. Life is short and you only get one shot at it. You should leave this situation as amicably as possible and go your separate ways. His needs don't outweigh yours. I'm sure if you care about him you're feeling sorry for him and you probably know he's not going to go out and score another chick, but thats' not your burden. You have a shot at real happiness and it's only going to get harder if you stay. People who say you have to stay no matter what have never spent years locked into an unhappy marriage. Start your exit strategy now and start finding ways to become independent. Make sure you're fair to hubby though too so that he can land on his feet if you leave.
 

·
MBTI: INFJ Enneagram:4w5
Joined
·
2,192 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Start your exit strategy now and start finding ways to become independent. Make sure you're fair to hubby though too so that he can land on his feet if you leave.
How do you do that when you're too disabled to work, but somehow the government refuses to believe so, and you're sharing one SSI income of $720 a month? There's nothing to save up to exit.
 

·
MBTI: INFJ Enneagram:4w5
Joined
·
2,192 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Arkansas. I have to be physically abused to go to a women's shelter, and pregnant to get medicaid or any cash assistance other than food stamps. The SSI is in his name.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
451 Posts
I don’t believe in relationship love anyway. To me there needs to be a better word to describe that arrangement. It is like saying you love your car but you only love it when it’s new and not broken down; or you only get that car when it is all you can afford at the time, content to drive it for a few years, wake up one morning realize you can now afford something better and quickly discard it for a new one.


I would say go ahead and get rid of your crappy used car if it’s that time. Personally I always have something else in place before I get rid of the old.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,164 Posts
I say fight for your marriage unless abuse or infidelity is occurring. The whole purpose of the union is to have a partner through the good times and the bad but so many people just bail when things get tough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,164 Posts
Life is short and you only get one shot at it. You should leave this situation as amicably as possible and go your separate ways. His needs don't outweigh yours. I'm sure if you care about him you're feeling sorry for him and you probably know he's not going to go out and score another chick, but thats' not your burden. You have a shot at real happiness and it's only going to get harder if you stay.
I completely disagree with your "me first" approach to marriage. Having one shot at life has nothing to do with failing to honor a commitment you made. With that rational should one just get rid of an ailing pet because they become a nuisance? Or right off a child because they are too difficult and impacting your happiness?
 

·
Seriously , never serious
Joined
·
6,456 Posts
Time apart is just as important as time together . It also helps you realise what you want and don't want , it breaks mundane routines .
Those long talks in the middle of the night you should be having but rant because you sleep apart is part of the problem in my opinion but it seems like it's become a mundane and boring relationship , mostly because of his size and inability to do things so I'd suggest that should be the focus if you want it to continue . Diet ( no sugar ) and exercise ( start small , go on outings , things to do together he'd ( and you ) will enjoy to maybe motivate him to want to get better . Talk , tell him how your feeling ( not that your thinking of leaving )but how your worried , how you don't want to watch him slowly die , how you love him but physically your finding it hard , how you have made a plan for your lives together and what it is and what needs to be done , how you want to have fun together and go out and experience things together . I'm sure you can think of more .
I'd work on helping him and motivating him and if that doesn't work after a while it may be time to move on in small steps for you and him start with short trips away then make them longer and build your confidence to be alone and to let him know that your changing and he will have to if he wants to keep you .
I'm sorry but it's not looking good I hope he finds and realises what he has before it's too late . This is just some quick initial thoughts of mine and only that .
 

·
permanently barnacled
Joined
·
4,801 Posts
I completely disagree with your "me first" approach to marriage. Having one shot at life has nothing to do with failing to honor a commitment you made. With that rational should one just get rid of an ailing pet because they become a nuisance? Or right off a child because they are too difficult and impacting your happiness?
So it's her responsibility to remain a martyr?.... What kind of advice is that? It sounds like to me she went above and beyond the call of duty by staying around (when she shouldn't have) when she was being verbally abused. If kids were involved that would be a very different situation, but shes still young and she needs to do whats right for her, nobody else. Don't stick around out of some outdated sense of honor or obligation. if your needs aren't being met, its time to re-evaluate the situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,164 Posts
So it's her responsibility to remain a martyr?.... What kind of advice is that? It sounds like to me she went above and beyond the call of duty by staying around (when she shouldn't have) when she was being physically and verbally abused. If kids were involved that would be a very different situation, but shes still young and she needs to do whats right for her, nobody else. Don't stick around out of some outdated sense of honor or obligation. if your needs aren't being met, its time to re-evaluate the situation.
Op said she was never abused or I wouldn't have given the advice as I'm not qualified to even know how to handle that type of situation.

What I do understand is the ups and downs of marriage. You obviously don't as you think personal needs are more important than "some outdated sense of honor or obligation".
 

·
permanently barnacled
Joined
·
4,801 Posts
Op said she was never abused or I wouldn't have given the advice as I'm not qualified to even know how to handle that type of situation.

What I do understand is the ups and downs of marriage. You obviously don't as you think personal needs are more important than "some outdated sense of honor or obligation".
Why should someone feel obliged to be unhappy? :sus
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,164 Posts
Why should someone feel obliged to be unhappy? :sus
As you are well aware happiness comes and goes in life. No one is happy all the time (or at least not anybody I've ever met). I don't know your life situation but I can guarantee you that if you ever get married and have a child sometimes your needs will not be met. That's when you recognize that you're doing what's best for the unit and not just yourself. Guys that go out and cheat on their pregnant wives justify their behavior with statements similar to your post.

Marriage is all about give and take in order to be successful. The op mentioned that she has a friendship with her husband which is a great foundation to build on...Especially considering how hard it is for us with SA to form close friendships.

I just think it's bad advice to say "dump the guy and move along and don't feel guilty or burdened if he can't land another chic". Finding a good partner isn't easy and nobody will ever be perfect despite what some people seem to think they are deserve.

Also, consider that if you make the choice to end a marriage you have to live with that choice for the rest of your life. Sometimes the person who ends it really regrets it. Obviously, there are situations when divorce is the only option and cant be avoided and those people are much better off when they exit abusive relationships. But I've known several people who left or cheated on their spouse and regretted it deeply in the long run. Life changing decisions shouldn't be taken lightly.
 

·
God, Family, Homeland
Joined
·
569 Posts
Sounds like he could use a mentor. The motivation still has to come from him.

Writing isn't a full time job. Most successful writers worked before their careers were successful. Work will give him a purpose, get him out of the house, and bring in some money. It will provide him some self-worth and dignity. At this point, the job doesn't matter.

He also needs to spend time out of the house with other guys doing things. Basically, he needs a life and to start acting like a man.

The key thing here is that he can't hear this from you. That's likely a big part of what killed the attraction you had for him. You're leading him and taking on the maternal role. I don't know of any women that can stay attracted to a man under such conditions.

I'm a bit old-fashioned and some would call what I'm about to say as "sexist" but I believe that part of a husband's duty is to instill confidence and assurance in his wife. The wife needs to know that no matter what happens that he can lead the marriage through it.

What you have is a reverse of that model. I think that is the root of your problem, more so than his obesity or the compatibility of your genitals.

If you decide to toss the marriage, don't let friendship factor into the equation. If you ever plan on seeing another man, you can count on any post-divorce friendship to be strained. That's just the reality of it.

I can't tell you if you should divorce. No one here can. Only you can make that decision. You're the one that has to live with it and truly knows the situation. Not us.

There's quite a bit to your post that leaves a lot of questions. There's the "arranged marriage" business with your family and the SSI issue. I'm not judging you for those things but it leads me to believe there's a lot of co-dependency in this relationship and that it cuts both ways.
 

·
Zombie in Training
Joined
·
86 Posts
Hey don't forget that Arkansas approved the medicaid expansion. You do NOT have to be pregnant. Go ahead and apply. Like seriously, do it asap. At your income level you will be approved. I live here too.
 

·
Life is funny
Joined
·
1,688 Posts
As you are well aware happiness comes and goes in life. No one is happy all the time (or at least not anybody I've ever met). I don't know your life situation but I can guarantee you that if you ever get married and have a child sometimes your needs will not be met. That's when you recognize that you're doing what's best for the unit and not just yourself. Guys that go out and cheat on their pregnant wives justify their behavior with statements similar to your post.

Marriage is all about give and take in order to be successful. The op mentioned that she has a friendship with her husband which is a great foundation to build on...Especially considering how hard it is for us with SA to form close friendships.

I just think it's bad advice to say "dump the guy and move along and don't feel guilty or burdened if he can't land another chic". Finding a good partner isn't easy and nobody will ever be perfect despite what some people seem to think they are deserve.

Also, consider that if you make the choice to end a marriage you have to live with that choice for the rest of your life. Sometimes the person who ends it really regrets it. Obviously, there are situations when divorce is the only option and cant be avoided and those people are much better off when they exit abusive relationships. But I've known several people who left or cheated on their spouse and regretted it deeply in the long run. Life changing decisions shouldn't be taken lightly.
Have you ever been married?
 

·
SAS Member
Joined
·
212 Posts
People who say you have to stay no matter what have never spent years locked into an unhappy marriage.
I couldn't agree with you more! :yes

It's a highly idealistic suggestion that ignores the context of a failing relationship. Either they've never experienced it, or they're currently enduring an unhappy marriage while projecting their personal determination to withstand it onto everyone else.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top