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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
(This is the first time I've actually posted. I have kind of been browsing on and off the past couple of years...)

I was officially (and finally) diagnosed with SA about two years ago, though I've known I've had it for quite a while. It has really held me back in life. Two years ago I had what I call my quarter-life crisis, and I had to drop out of school for a bit and seek professional help. I've improved immensely since then, and I find it so much easier to talk to people since I started treatment.

I have a small number of close, extremely supportive friends, but they're all girls. I'm generally really nervous around guys, and so never had a boyfriend (or dated, or kissed...) until this summer. I had sort of known the guy as an acquaintance for a while, but I had just moved back home after graduating and he expressed interest. I felt very comfortable around him and was able to freely talk about my SA and lack of boy experience without feeling judged. It was amazing.

But about a month ago, he broke up with me because he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Or something. It was a bit vague and really complicated, and I did not take the news well at all. And I'm still having a hard time with it, in part because I feel rejected, in part because where I'm currently living I don't have many (if any) friends for support or to go get silly drunk with, in part because I miss having him to talk to about my SA, and in part because I'm afraid I will never find someone so patient and understanding as he was.

So how do you guys deal with dating? How do you meet people? I'm interested in meeting someone new, but as I was pursued by my ex and he was the one who suggested we hang out more, told me he liked me, suggested we date, suggested we make it exclusive, etc., I have no idea how to approach it with someone else. And I'm terrified that anyone I have an interest in will be turned off or weirded out by my lack of experience.

And if I'm maybe not read to start dating again, any advice on finally getting over him? My close friends are on the other side of the country, and my friends here are better friends with him than they are with me.
 

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Are you going back to school now? I know the feeling of having that lonely, black hole in your life. I've spent most of my life with that same emptiness. But if I were you, I'd work on improving yourself! Finish school, give yourself a chance to a good job that you are happy about. If you are happy with yourself, you will glow and people will be more apt to approach you. As a dude, I am probably not the best to give advice on how to find somebody to date...but if you are in school, maybe look into some extra-curricular groups you could join? I know that is tough for people with social anxiety, but it is an option you could explore...maybe you can find the inner strength to push through the anxiety and meet some new friends or a special dude. If you're not in school, perhaps you could find the same sort of thing. Or maybe simply finding a quaint little cafe where you can go regularly and just have some coffee and relax?

As for getting over him, just spoil yourself for a bit. Find some fun activities you can immerse yourself in...and focus your attention on that. Do something meaningful for yourself (like finishing school, if you haven't) or even meaningless things that just make you happy. Talk to your friends on the phone/online if possible. Try online dating if you really, really want to go out with some guys (try to avoid the *******s). The best cure is to just distract yourself and you will gradually think about him less and less.

Good luck. Keep positive...he's not the only nice guy out there. In fact, I'd bet there are many out there who could make you feel even happier than how your ex made you feel!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it :) I did end up finishing my degree, but I'm taking a year off now before going back to grad school in September (hopefully). So that's a ways away... I have signed up to take a course this winter semester, but it's a second year course that will mostly be full of 19-20 year olds and I know I'm just going to feel old and out of place.

I have renewed my gym membership, so hopefully I can motivate myself to get off butt and out the door, haha. And I am a fan of coffee shops. I'm just not sure I can find the strength to go up to and talk to a stranger.
 

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Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it :) I did end up finishing my degree, but I'm taking a year off now before going back to grad school in September (hopefully). So that's a ways away... I have signed up to take a course this winter semester, but it's a second year course that will mostly be full of 19-20 year olds and I know I'm just going to feel old and out of place.

I have renewed my gym membership, so hopefully I can motivate myself to get off butt and out the door, haha. And I am a fan of coffee shops. I'm just not sure I can find the strength to go up to and talk to a stranger.
I've wondered about that, is it normal to approach people in coffee shops?
 

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Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it :) I did end up finishing my degree, but I'm taking a year off now before going back to grad school in September (hopefully). So that's a ways away... I have signed up to take a course this winter semester, but it's a second year course that will mostly be full of 19-20 year olds and I know I'm just going to feel old and out of place.

I have renewed my gym membership, so hopefully I can motivate myself to get off butt and out the door, haha. And I am a fan of coffee shops. I'm just not sure I can find the strength to go up to and talk to a stranger.
No problem.

Just be patient and maybe somebody will approach you!!! :D If you have a laptop, bring it along with you and just chill. Who knows, maybe you can strike up a friendship with people working there? I'm a single guy myself and noticed that when you are really desperately looking, NOBODY else worth a damn is ever single. Obviously it is hard to find somebody to date if you're trapped alone in the house.

Gym membership is great! That is probably the best way to keep your mind distracted while helping yourself let off steam and boosting your self-esteem. Maybe you can meet somebody there? Guys typically are the ones who do the approaching. If you see somebody that catches your eye, just make eye contact and give them a warm smile...don't worry about striking up a conversation right off the bat...if they are interested, they will approach you!

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I've wondered about that, is it normal to approach people in coffee shops?
I often wonder if most things I do or want to do are normal... I spend a fair amount of time people watching to try to learn, haha.

Gym membership is great! That is probably the best way to keep your mind distracted while helping yourself let off steam and boosting your self-esteem.
Going to the gym really does wonders for my mood :) I find it pretty easy to keep my mind distracted during the day, as my job is pretty much non-stop and in the evenings I do a fair bit of reading or puzzles or tv watching, etc. But nights are tough. Still a lot of crying at night, unfortunately :(
 
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