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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I figured I'd make this thread, because, f-it I can't afford a shrink right now.

There was this girl I started seeing a little over a year ago that was everything that I was looking for. She was smart, witty, beautiful, nerdy in all the same ways I am, we talked for hours and hours until the sun was coming up, and we didn't care if we were exhausted the next day, because the conversation was so exhilarating. We had electricity, the attraction was through the roof, and this went on for months. I hadn't felt this way about anyone since my high school girlfriend.

As in every relationship, that initial excitement wears of, and you are hopefully left with a strong bond, rooted in mutual trust and love for one another, but the nights of staying up until 6 am every night chatting fade a bit, as you sort of settle back into a realistic existence.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I started battling with trust issues. I thought for sure I was past the days of worrying about whether or not the person I am seeing is faithful, but I kept building up these scenarios in my head.

As time progressed, what started out as texts and cutesy little updates on what we were up to turned into having to know what the other was doing at all times, and I suppose it became exhausting, for both of us. But mostly for her, because she had some semblance of a social life outside of our relationship, and when I was at home alone on a friday night, I needed to know what she was up to, or my brain would concoct these horrible, misguided, perfidious situations, until i found myself drinking large bottles of wine by myself.

How is it possible to have a long term relationship that both people are head over heels for one another, without being overbearing, and at the same time, not giving too little of a **** that you stop caring for that person.

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That is the trillion dollar question. People talk of using reason to handle trust or insecurity issues and they'd be right but what is often is ignored is how much the heart is intertwined with our logical part of our brain.

With my recent ex, we were both homebodies but I always encouraged her to make more friends, inside and outside of work and if she wanted to go somewhere or do something and I couldn't for whatever reason, to go out anyway. Why? Other than being supportive, because I insisted she get out more often with others, these friends often wanted me to come along, even on "girls night out" cause I appeared like a guy who didn't want to control his girl.

That worked in my benefit because on the off chance my ex was going to do something I wouldn't approve of, her friends would keep an eye on her for me, so to speak. A couple examples would be making sure she didn't drink too much or kept her away from guys I wouldn't care for her to be around.
That way, I didn't need to worry. Her friends did all the work for me because of the posistive impression I made on them. It wasn't that I never got jealous, they just didn't think I did.

Hope that helped.
 

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It is easy to get caught in worrying about things settling down during the time where you realise you have been together quite a while and the initial "excitement" is fading. For example the girl you are seeing doesn't say " I love you back" for the first time, or she doesn't call you after a night out whereas she always used to. Its always going to create a little worry.

I think its all about building that trust up with the person within those first 6 months so that when that part settles down. Just try your best to be rational and remind yourself "ok the past 8 months she has gone out and always remained faithful/into me, there are no warning signs it changed, so dont worry about it." Just reassure yourself if you struggle with this until warning signs appear for an extended period of time.

I think with regards to the overbearing thing, it varies from person to person. You should have a gauge after 7 months of how much alone time a person prefers in comparison to couple time etc... And remember the things you did at the start of the relationship? Yeah do not stop doing them down the line. Always make an effort with your partner and they will more likely remain in love with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think with regards to the overbearing thing, it varies from person to person. You should have a gauge after 7 months of how much alone time a person prefers in comparison to couple time etc... And remember the things you did at the start of the relationship? Yeah do not stop doing them down the line. Always make an effort with your partner and they will more likely remain in love with you.
That's the thing though, I feel it changed over time for her, where-as it didn't change for me. I still wanted everything, while she wanted all the good things, but room to breathe a bit, and then I didn't catch on in time until it was too late.
 

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That's the thing though, I feel it changed over time for her, where-as it didn't change for me. I still wanted everything, while she wanted all the good things, but room to breathe a bit, and then I didn't catch on in time until it was too late.
Ah that sucks then man... I always hate when even little things change as well. Did you bring any of it up in conversation? Rather than "checking up on her" all the time or whatever?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Ah that sucks then man... I always hate when even little things change as well. Did you bring any of it up in conversation? Rather than "checking up on her" all the time or whatever?
In hindsight, I wish I did, but I felt like we were in this safezone, of nothing would ever come between us. It's hard to explain it, but you don't realize how fragile that is until it's too late, and you're alone with all kinds of regret.
 

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In hindsight, I wish I did, but I felt like we were in this safezone, of nothing would ever come between us. It's hard to explain it, but you don't realize how fragile that is until it's too late, and you're alone with all kinds of regret.
Yeah I understand. That is why I guess the best way to deal with it is to be honest about how you feel and talk about things... that builds trust naturally anyway. If the person cannot accept you for you, then its not worth wasting both your time anyway.
 

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You answered your own question:

"because she had some semblance of a social life outside of our relationship, and when I was at home alone on a friday night"

As long as she is the center of your universe you're going to feel this way. It's really unhealthy for you to be so reliant on her for your happiness. You have to find a way to develop outside interests so that you compliment eachother instead of coming from this place of neediness.
 

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I remember you saying you have had these experiences with other women in the past? Once that happens, it's really hard to get over those trust issues. I'm no saint as you might remember. I had a girl carry on an affair with me for several months and we ended up falling for each other. It was a nasty situation that ended up with me and her boyfriend getting into it, then eventually me and her did nothing but argue and it fell apart.

After that, I found myself on the receiving end of dishonest and unfaithful girls 3 times in a row, now my faith in love and relationships is ruined, and I don't really trust girls at all. I guess I deserved it in a way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Had she done anything to make you lose trust in her earlier in the relationship?
She left some guy that I never met because she had feelings for me.

She assured me that she was going to break up with him anyways, and that If I had met her a week later, she would have been single.

Yeahhhh......

As stupid as that sounds, it makes someone like me question things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
As long as she is the center of your universe you're going to feel this way. It's really unhealthy for you to be so reliant on her for your happiness. You have to find a way to develop outside interests so that you compliment eachother instead of coming from this place of neediness.
But how though?

When we first met, I had all kinds of things going on, as I fell more in love with her, my friends, my family, my activities fell by the wayside, and it became all about her.

I'm just trying to come to grips with what made me push her away, and how I can correct it in the future.

I don't want to be this needy wretched creature, that can't go one minute without knowing what the other person is doing, it's gross.
 

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But how though?

When we first met, I had all kinds of things going on, as I fell more in love with her, my friends, my family, my activities fell by the wayside, and it became all about her.

I'm just trying to come to grips with what made me push her away, and how I can correct it in the future.

I don't want to be this needy wretched creature, that can't go one minute without knowing what the other person is doing, it's gross.
In my experience trying to stop something is very difficult. I find that you have to fill up the space in your mind with other things to crowd out the neediness. If you were involved in outside activities and you formed other friendships you wouldn't be so reliant on her or any female companionship. It's very hard to just will yourself not to care or obsess. It's much easier to get busy, stay active, get out there and talk to people. The problem would resolve itself.
 

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Keep in mind it's not about her. Its not about trusting girls youre with. You need to resolve your trust issues, as this will keep popping up with everyone you date.
 

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Well, in a way it is. Also if you project that kind of insecure, overbearing energy the girl will inevitably pick up on it. You truly have to change your focus. I know its easier said than done, but if you work on becoming more fulfilled in other ways, once you do hook up with someone you'll be projecting a much more positive energy.
 
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