[odd_one_out]

Every time I fall asleep tonight I soon awake with leg and gut spasms for no apparent reason. There's also acid indigestion. I've decided to not sleep and feel much healthier for it but will suffer with fatigue the rest of the day. I guess my mood's related to GAD and manifesting physically.

 

[odd_one_out]

I can't describe it. I've no one to help treat me. I'm the one always doing the helping and the figuring everything out. I can't relate to people here because they don't have my main condition. I'm invisible and like I'm in a tomb - a bed tomb. I disrupted my routine to help someone despite not being recovered from the last flare-up.

I can't be bothered to do anything today. I haven't even had the energy to fetch food - only enough to wash. I feel locked in routine. My routines are like cognitive locks to the extent I can't initiate unfamiliar actions such as walking to an unfamiliar part of the room. My brain can't shift set. It feels like I've no skin to block out stimuli and have to curl up in bed to stop feeling pain.

 

[odd_one_out]

Bleh. What.

 

[odd_one_out]

I don't know. I was all ready for sleep then thought of someone I love and am wide awake with thoughts buzzing. My brain's not made for sleep. But it can't seem to get enough of it during the day :|.

 

[odd_one_out]

Like a complete social disaster. I keep hearing that phrase repetitively in my head this week, "social disaster, social disaster, social disaster ..."

 

[odd_one_out]

Angry but dead inside. Sleep deprivation. I just threw my toys out the pram (my drawing pad and implements across the room). It felt satisfying enough I briefly considered smashing the entire place up.

 

[odd_one_out]

Sick of people. Despite minimal exposure.

 

[odd_one_out]

Like a sissy. Worried.

 

[odd_one_out]

Unwanted.

 

[odd_one_out]

Wanted.

 

[odd_one_out]

I feel like the r word, like my brain's all scrambled.

 

[odd_one_out]

Like uke not knowing if my friend still has a long distance lover or if it's some on and off thing (the uncertainty inherent in that would be worse).

Why the heck go around expressing deep love to me while I'm not only involved with another but she has some lover expressing all that love? Does loving 2 people explain it or just one (me) more than the other?

It makes me sick - not due to the dishonesty as much but, being my carer, my fundamental physical and mental wellbeing's affected by any major life choices she makes.

 

[odd_one_out]

I feel like ****, having effects from a prescription still and it's not wearing off yet. I'm fine one second and sick and crazy the next. My heart was racing not long ago and nearly sent me over the edge.