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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My gf gets asked out by a guy at work. She tells him she has a bf but that if he wants the three of them can go out. He says nothing. A month or so later he shows up again and asks when they're going out for that coffee. So she gives out her home number. I told her he's going to try to have sex with her and she says yeah i know but what can i do, i told him i have a bf so i can't say no if he asks me out.

then i said that either means she's not in a relationship with me or any male who puts any pressure/interest into it ends up getting her number and eventually has sex with her. she says she just wants to see what its like to talk with different people. eventually she says she'll just tell him her bf doesn't want her to go so she won't feel guilty saying no to him.

she is very shy and has few friends. but imo this is equivalent to cheating. at the very least she only did this because a part of her gets satisfaction from the attention from other guys. but how stupid do you have to be not to be able to ask him for an email address instead? she actually hoped to go out with him; perhaps with me also there but it is nevertheless ridiculous imo.

am i wrong? am i missing something? should i not be threatened by this? to me this is a serious sign that whatever i have with her might have been fun but is just not serious and that she's too easy to hit on for a girl who's supposedly dating me.

is there any way to move forward? she agreed to cancel it but why? because i made it clear it was ridiculous. now he has the number and called. he is correct to assume that if she gives her number there may be a chance of having sex with her, no matter how small. so really, is he ever going to stop contacting her? why would he? it's like i have to insist she undoes this mess by telling him not to call her even though she gave out her number or else i can't see how i can treat this as a real relationship. we were about to move together back to ON where i am from. now what will happen? i basically have to tell her i can't see her as a gf anymore so we'll break up and never see each other again.

does her behavior seem normal? how can it be explained other than being unfaithful? i'm hoping to find an answer but i don't think i can. which means after all the work i put into it i'll just have to leave without her.
 

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unashamed perv
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So, she told this guy that she has a bf? Then he pressurised her into giving her phone number? And she's very shy and has few friends, so I'm guessing she's not very good at dealing with people. She sounds like a vulnerable and easily pressurised young woman, not a cheater. Some guys can be very pushy, and will exploit weakness and use emotional blackmail to hit on girls they like. Some say things like "Oh, but you spoke to me, I thought that meant you liked me. I'll be really hurt if you don't come out with me. Were you just teasing?" and s**t like that. It's very hard for a shy girl to deal with. Cut her some slack.

In my opinion, cheating is: claiming to be single, kissing or doing anything sexual with somebody else. By my standards, your gf didn't cheat. But every couple has different groud rules. If it's unacceptable to you that she gives her phone number to other guys, you need to talk about this with her. Note I said "talk about with" not "impose your will on," it's a two-way street.

I think it's perfectly reasonable of her to say to him "you could meet up with me and my bf." If he was only trying to be friendly, then she was being friendly back, and giving him the message "I have a bf. I don't want to meet with you alone."

She agreed to cancel her meeting with him. Sounds like that was very sensible and the best thing for her, so well done for talking her into it.
he is correct to assume that if she gives her number there may be a chance of having sex with her, no matter how small
I don't think that's right.

Sorry, bit of a long, rambly answer. In short:

She sounds like a vulnerable girl who was pressurised into giving her phone number by a right creep of a guy. I think you should cut her some slack, she didn't cheat on you, and nothing you said makes me think she wanted to or intended to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks, i really hope you are right. the thing is that she knows he isn't just being friendly in a platonic way. if he were then the first time she said i have a bf but maybe the 3 of us can go out he would have said ok and made it clear he's not romantically interested. but that's not what happened and she admitted that she know's he will hope to have sex with her. so at best she's easily pressured...that's what i said to her: any guy who pressures her can end up having sex with her....what kind of person is like that? and how can i know that i'm actually her bf in such a scenario?

the other problem now is what to do about the guy. he called today and i answered while she was out. i didn't want to be the jealous bf so i was polite and took a message. the guy actually left his name and number and told me to have her call him.

what exactly should I do??? i don't want to be the one putting a stop to this: i want her to. but i'm still basically making her do it. not only that but what is this guy going to think? if only that "bf" wasn't a factor i'd be having sex with her right now, he'll think. She would consider it but her bf won't let her, he'll think. Is he going to keep calling back? trying to arrange a meeting with her without me? even if i show up it's ridiculous because all 3 of us know he's not just a friend he's interested in my gf romantically.

the only way would be for her to say she only wants to be friends and to go out with him with me. but seriously, isn't that weird?? he only got her number because he was hoping to lay her. if he actually goes out with the three of us it's like i'm doing them a favor even though the only reason he'd go is in hopes that our weak relationship won't get in the way of his quest to bed her. and frankly, i have to think that at some point he'd succeed if getting attention from him makes her excited enough to let him call her at home and go out with her. at some point he'll get her alone and flirtation will happen. throw in some alcohol and it'll end up being physical cheating pretty soon. since she knows he's hoping for that why did she give out her number??? basically, the best i can assume is that she's not going to take the initiative to cheat on me but is so ridiculous and/or uncommitted to me at heart that if someone shows up and takes the lead it can still happen.

has anyone else encountered this kind of scenario? what should i do about this guy?
 

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unashamed perv
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Ok, so he's definitely not just wanting friendship, I get that now :) I agree, it would be daft for the three of you to go out under those circumstances.

Who cares what he thinks? He's a pushy sleazeball trying to hit on a girl who told him she has a bf. Given that your gf probably finds it difficult to tell him to leave her alone, she might appreciate it if you tell this guy to get lost. Why not ask her? Sure, it miight be better for her to do it, but maybe you could offer? And is it possible to block his calls?
 

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She isn't respecting you at all. This is big time stuff that needs to get handled right away. Look your having to deal with calls from this guy. You shouldn't have to deal with this. This guy is not even respecting you with trying to get with your girlfriend who is in a relationship with you. She has allowed your relationship boundaries to be breached from some stranger guy. She has not cheated on you but these are warning signs that can lead to that. Now she might not cheat on you and just break up with you later on after they spend more time together and then get with him. Also she might not do anything. I recommend that you talk to her and tell her that her actions are effecting you and the relationship. Pay close attention at how she reacts. Continue to talk about everything related to this, the more detailed and clear the better. You got to communicate and understand before making big decisions. You will see the truth through this. If she doesn't respect your feelings about your side of dealing with this, then it doesn't look good.
 

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My OP, I wouldn't be her master so while I might be displeased I wouldn't very well feel like I had the right to tell her who she could and couldn't talk to regardless of what the OTHER person's intentions are, however impure they may be. I would just play the "I'm not a jealous guy" move, and if I find out she has cheated on me, tell her "Goodbye" and be done with it. Then again, if I felt this guy was INTIMIDATING her into something, let's just say we would be having a little "chat".
 

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then i said that either means she's not in a relationship with me or any male who puts any pressure/interest into it ends up getting her number and eventually has sex with her.
I think you are over reacting here. Giving out your phone number does not at all mean that you are going to have sex with someone or that you want it. Many females are naive and may either not know what to do if they are being pressured about their phone number. Also, women often do not equate male/female relationships with sex the way that guys so often do. You have expressed your feelings and she has said that she will cancel it, that seems respectful to me.

If you truly believe that she knows full well what she was doing and wants to cheat then yes you should leave the relationship. Otherwise if she has given you no other signs that she is a cheater then the fact that you are acting so angry towards her will make her want to leave you. As her bf you should believe in her and want to protect her from sleaze bags like this coworker. You can help her by being understanding and suggesting ways for her to avoid being pressured or having her kindness taken advantage of. Having a guy who cares about you explain how guys think can be a big eye opener to a girl if she is somewhat naive. It will also help her know what to look out for ahead of time.
 

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I think I remember another post you made about her. Instead of living in worry and denial, accept all possibilities like a kick to the stomach. Maybe loving relationships with sensitive men become monotonous for her? Maybe she has a fantasy of cheating that appeals to her sexuality? Maybe she feels like she missed out on her youth and wants to party? So what? Is the relationship life-enriching or does it involve constant worrying and confronting her every week? I say don't worry about what you can't control- focus on yourself and what you need to do to live the best life you can. I hope it all works out for the best.
 

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She still should say no unless the coffee date was of a professional nature only. If it was platonic, it would be okay.

Also, you are jumping way out there by saying that there would be sex going on. That's a bit much at this point. There should be some basic trust in your relationship by this point.
 

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I really don't mean to sound harsh but in my opinion you are over reacting. It's just coffee. Unless she's given you reason not to trust her in the past or something....or you just have trust issues in general? Personally, I have male friends and I go for coffee with male coworkers all the time. And sometimes drinks after work too - usually in groups for drinks but coffee is usually one on one. We have each others phone numbers. We text on birthdays or to gloat if they're beating me in a sports pool or something or other. It's no big deal. They're my friends. My husband has tons of female friends as well. And he also goes to lunch or coffee with his female coworkers and I couldn't care less. We trust each other. There are males and females in the world and everyone has the right to be friends with whomever they want. I think you'll actually end up driving her away if you try to control her too much or make her feel like crap over little things. Be careful because your reaction may make her feel like she has to hide things from you - which is definitely murder for a relationship. Let her judge for herself whether or not his intentions are honourable. And let her decide for herself what's right or wrong. Good luck. :)
 

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My OP, I wouldn't be her master so while I might be displeased I wouldn't very well feel like I had the right to tell her who she could and couldn't talk to regardless of what the OTHER person's intentions are, however impure they may be. I would just play the "I'm not a jealous guy" move, and if I find out she has cheated on me, tell her "Goodbye" and be done with it. Then again, if I felt this guy was INTIMIDATING her into something, let's just say we would be having a little "chat".
pretty much this.

Let her do what she wants without you interfering and see what she does. Since she knows he is interested in her in a romantic way she should not be doing anything with him at all. If she does, then you know something is seriously wrong. If she doesn't do anything but he's still bugging her, have a talk with her about resisting pressure and then tell the guy to **** off

Also to Cheeky, i dont think this guy is just a friendly coworker if im reading correctly. hes just a dude from the street that is trying to pick up on his gf.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
^yes, sorry if i was unclear. he is a guy who came into her store off the street and saw her a few times.

thanks for the comments, more thoughts are welcome.
 

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I agree with IDK. That's easier said than done though. I would personally suggest the 3 of you go out and you make it very clear to him that's she's in a relationship with you. Make him feel like a 3rd wheel and then he should go away.
 

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I really don't mean to sound harsh but in my opinion you are over reacting. It's just coffee. Unless she's given you reason not to trust her in the past or something....or you just have trust issues in general? Personally, I have male friends and I go for coffee with male coworkers all the time. And sometimes drinks after work too - usually in groups for drinks but coffee is usually one on one. We have each others phone numbers. We text on birthdays or to gloat if they're beating me in a sports pool or something or other. It's no big deal. They're my friends. My husband has tons of female friends as well. And he also goes to lunch or coffee with his female coworkers and I couldn't care less. We trust each other. There are males and females in the world and everyone has the right to be friends with whomever they want. I think you'll actually end up driving her away if you try to control her too much or make her feel like crap over little things. Be careful because your reaction may make her feel like she has to hide things from you - which is definitely murder for a relationship. Let her judge for herself whether or not his intentions are honourable. And let her decide for herself what's right or wrong. Good luck. :)
Sure coffee is not a big deal so long as the people your going with with realize your just friends. This guy is clearly interested in more than that. I could see why the OP would have a problem with it.
 

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My gf gets asked out by a guy at work. She tells him she has a bf but that if he wants the three of them can go out. He says nothing. A month or so later he shows up again and asks when they're going out for that coffee. So she gives out her home number. I told her he's going to try to have sex with her and she says yeah i know but what can i do, i told him i have a bf so i can't say no if he asks me out.
Uh.... yes, she most certainly can say no. :sus

Have a nice day,
Kelly :)
 

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It probably is a bit strange that she agrees or wants to meet a guy for coffee who she admits his intentions are to have sex or a romantic relationship with her.
 

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Cheeky nailed it.

I think these are the important points...

she is very shy and has few friends. but imo this is equivalent to cheating. at the very least she only did this because a part of her gets satisfaction from the attention from other guys. but how stupid do you have to be not to be able to ask him for an email address instead? she actually hoped to go out with him; perhaps with me also there but it is nevertheless ridiculous imo.
I should certainly hope she gets satisfaction from attention from other guys. If not, she's either inhuman or lying. I dread the day when my girlfriend is delusional enough to actually *dislike* attention from the opposite sex. It's a good thing - it's an ego boost. And moreover, if she tries to repress all desire for other men, it's going to come back and bite both of you in a big way later on.

is there any way to move forward? she agreed to cancel it but why? because i made it clear it was ridiculous.
She didn't agree. She caved. Because you're being a controlling boyfriend. Sorry, it's harsh, I know. But you are. It's only 'ridiculous' because you say it is, and she probably doesn't want a big fight.

Look at it this way - if she wants a committed relationship with you, she won't take it much further than coffee with this other dude. If she doesn't want you, she'll go further. And if she doesn't want you, why the hell are you trying to keep her around?

All you're doing is giving her a reason to say "**** this, my boyfriend is crazy, I want to date someone else."

Take it from someone who has a controlling girlfriend (me). Attempting to deny your partner reasonable, socially acceptable contact with the opposite sex will backfire. Maybe you'll break up, or maybe your relationship will just slowly fall apart. If that's what you want, fine. But it's really not a good idea. Just break up with her now instead of f*cking with her life if you want to be that way.
 

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me: you gave some guy your number yet you know he is trying to bang you?
girl: yes sorry im easily pressured...
me: oh i see...
girl: but we could like all hang out
me: hmm i think we should but.. can i bring 3 friends of mine with us?
girl: sure, who?
me: your 2 friends from school and your best friend.. i gave them my number
girl: you did whaaat!!?? dont you know they are ****s
me: yea im sorry... im easily pressured..:)

just dump her if your not easily pressured by such things then you should be with someone who isnt either.
 

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^yes, sorry if i was unclear. he is a guy who came into her store off the street and saw her a few times.

thanks for the comments, more thoughts are welcome.
Even so....how do you know he just doesn't come in they have a friendly chat and he things "this girl is easy to talk to, she'd be a good friend, I'll see if she wants to go for coffee". How do adults make new friends? They chat to random strangers and get to know each other. It doesn't just go from 0 to best friends. There's a process. And in the beginning it usually involves coffee :). And just because it's between a boy and a girl does not mean it will end in sex!

It just doesn't make sense to me to assume that because he wants coffee means he wants to get laid. OR that she was too shy to say no. On some level she probably really does want to go out with him and she's making it sound like it was all his "fault" and she's innocent in order to keep YOU from going into a jealous rage on her. Because that's what she feels she had to do with you now...and I can see why. And even on the very unlikely chance that she really did feel pressured into giving him her number - let's be real - how hard would it have been to fake number the guy?
 
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