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Hey

I'm not even sure what I have is anything but I guess it's always easier after you've spoken about it... right?

About me:
I am 15 years old, in year 10 (UK), and studying for me GCSEs (or atleast I would be if I went to school). I've been going to CAMHs to try and help me. Right now I haven't been in to school for about 3 months. When I am in school I never make any contact with the rest of the students, prefering to stay in the 'isolation' room where they send students who mis-behave. The school has set up, with CAMHs, an educational psychologist and the LSA, that I have to go in to school from 1:30pm-3:00pm. These times because I arrive and leave school when all the students are in lesson and in the afternoon because I simply do not get up in the mornings. Not being lazy, it's just a struggle to get up. I have not been in contact with any of my school friends since May of last year (excluding one time when I was forced to).
I have missed so much school this year that my school are trying to convince me to repeat the year but, no, that would make it worse. I can see how it would be beneficial to me but I still don't want to. My mum said to me the other day in the car that maybe I should tell everyone I have this syndrome she heard of called CFS. She says I'm "chronically tired" sometimes but I am not tired a lot of the time. I only get tired because everyone gets tired.
Over the past 3 years I have tried to commit suicide around 10 times (only 2 of which people know about) and the last one being the most serious. It was all ODing but I managed to get my hands on some quite bad medcine. The last time was in November.
I get angry a lot with my family, and afterwards I always cry and feel empty. I'm not sure if that's normal or not so I decided to include it anyway. All they have to do is breathe incorrectly, not sit down, stand someone too long, look at me or anything along those lines and I flip and simply do not shut up. I get right in their faces and shout at them.
I am scared of what people think. Whenever I see someone I automatically assume the worse even if their actions are friendly and nice. I'm scared of changing myself, my appearence, incase people react badly to it. This can include getting a haircut, new clothes, wearing make-up or anything. I am scared of telling people what I like, whatever it may be, incase it is wrong. I am scared of doing new things incase I am bad at them or do them wrong, because in my mind, I can do nothing correctly. Ever. I've lost the will power to engage in activities which interested me before. I am scared of doing work, writing things and showing people things. I remember once at school not being able to do the work and bursting into tears. Other times thinking I might be able to but refusing to hand the work in. Art and DT were the worse. There are not strict guidelines, you have to express yourself and the way I would do something would be wrong. I could spend an entire year doing one piece of work - rubbing things out, starting over or even simply being to too scared to start the work. My teachers, understandablely, got very frustrated with me. I get shakes when I am nervous and in extreme situations I sweat. I remember whenever I got handed a piece of paper in class that when I would hold it my hand shook so much that the paper made so much noise and I just couldn't stop it. My mood goes up and down quite a bit and I never seem to be... normal.
I have always been like this, but never so intense. When I was in year 1-4 I reacted with anger and hitting people. People always bring up the time when I threw a chair at a teacher and climbed a bookcase, although, I did not. I actually held a chair above my head and threatened to throw it at my teacher while breathing radpidly but I never actually threw it. I also was very nasty to the other children. I do understand the work, and before in my SATs, I got top marks so I have the ability to do well I just... yeah.
When I got into year 6 I had controlled my anger completely (at school) but my thinking had switching from reacting angrilly, to reacting silently and worrying. At this time it only applied for art. When I got into year 7 I was very comfortable with everything, and everyone (even though the art thing was there but it was not disruptive). In year 8, after quite a large falling out with the entire year, I stopped going to school completely for a few months until the school, finally, contacted my parents to question my attendence. I would usually spend the day in the garage. My mum, obviously angry, forced me to go to school. These were around the times when I started trying to kill myself though I never told anyone and they didn't find out. It was mainly by pain medication and asthma inhalers (belonging to my brother).
After a while, I went back into school full time, and for the beginning of year 9 I had a good group of friends but my worries had extended from art to everything, everyone. I avoided everyone apart from about 7 people who I spoke to. These people would often experience me asking if we could sit someone else and all of the time they complied. There was a girl who was really, really good to me but moved schools and I miss her so much. In April, because of all these worries I was having, I tried to commit suicide and I was found out this time. I went to hospital and stayed overnight, afterwards being referred to CAMHS. Since then I have not been in school for one full day. I have not opened up to my psychiatrist.
Recently they have decided two psychiatric nurses visiting me could help. I have only seen them twice and they still have decided how often they are going to see me. Last time they came my mum gave them a full family history. A basic outline being that my brother has asperger's syndrome and dyslexia; my mum has bipolar disorder, asperger's syndrome (recently diagnosed), anxiety and dyslexia; my gran and grandad had drinking problems; my grandpa had a major breakdown a few years ago, and is psychotic; the reasons for my parents divorce and her childhood. She obviously went into more detail but those are the main points. She also said that she thinks the fact that my brother needed his day completely planned out, to exact points, affected me since I was a "normal" girl and I did not need this extra treatment.
A few weeks ago the educational psychologist suggested to my mum that I may have asperger's syndrome but I am certain I don't. She has only seen me in meetings, and other important things, and that does not reflect me normally because I get nervous for those. My mum and me had a long talk about it and the symptoms for the syndrome and I read up on it. I'm sure I don't have it.
Whenever I refuse to go to school my family will react with quotes such as:
"I can't be bothered with you anymore."
"What is wrong with you?"
"You're brother and I have had it much worse, why are you begging for attention?"
"Why can't you be normal?"
"Are you stupid?"
and so on...
This is what upsets me more than anything else. They can bring me to tears there and then by saying this.
My family say it's hormones and I think I agree with them.

The thought of being out of my comfort zone (at home) brings me to tears. I wish I could break free.

If you have any questions on things you think I haven't included then ask.
Sorry, I did go on a bit.
Thanks.
 

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Welcome to the site, AnneMarie! :)
 

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Hey AnneMarie :wels
 

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:wel
 

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Hi AnneMarie, welcome to the forums :)

I really feel for what you are going through, it really does sadden me to know someone is going through so much pain. I'm glad that you've joined this site and have opened up to what you are going through and how you are feeling. It really does help to talk to people who understand how you are feeling, and who can offer you advice and support. I'm sure no-one here will ever tell you to shut up or that you are stupid.

I've found the key to starting to overcome problems is to admit them to yourself and accept that you are currently like this, which you seem to have done, but then to accept you are like this to other people (you don't have to keep telling them how you are all the time, i've done this and people who don't really understand soon get tired of listening). Just don't hide how you are, which means opening up to your psychiatrist as much as you can - they are there to help you, and will do their best for you, but need to know as much about you as you feel able to tell them.

I understand how you feel about being scared of what people think of you, and being scared of doing new things in case you mess up, but you don't need to be. What i've finally realised is that people will come and go in your life, so it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things what people think of you (and in actual fact, most people are too busy thinking about themselves to spend too much time thinking about anyone else). Everyone (me and you included) messes up from time to time. No-one is perfect, so you shouldn't worry about what people think of you. You'll find if you can get to a stage where you are happy within yourself, people will be happy for you and forget anything that has gone before (I spent four years avoiding talking to the people I work with and thought it was too late to become friendly with them, but I took the chance earlier this year and started opening up to them and now they are all friendly with me. No-one ever brings up the years that I ignored them, they are simply happy that I am happier). Also, don't be scared of trying new things. You probably will be bad at them to start with, everyone is, but eventually, through practice, you will master anything you really want to do. I failed my driving test twice (the second time I panicked and actually drove on the wrong side of the road at one stage), but eventually I passed and now after years of driving I find it so easy to do. Just think that everytime you make a mistake, it is part of a learning curve and you will get better eventually. Please don't be afraid to be who you want to be and do what you want to do. People will react to it for a start as they are used to you the way you are, but they will soon accept you for who you are. If you are being true to yourself and happy with yourself, they will be happy for you.

Please, if you ever feel suicidal again, please talk to someone. The worst thing to do when you feel this way is to try to deal with it alone. I get these thoughts at times (though I have never acted on them) and it is scary and horrible to think this way. I admit to not telling to many people about it, but I have confided with a woman I work with who understands, so it helps to know that someone knows how I am feeling. Also, if I feel low I will come to this site and let out how I feel, knowing people will do their best to help me.

Sorry for the long reply, but I could feel your pain in your words, and I had to give this reply. You seem a very intelligent person, who really does want to overcome how you currently are. I really hope that you can achieve this, and go on to be a happy, confident person. Its great that you're getting help at the age you are now. Hopefully by the time you are my age you will have put all of this behind you and be having a happy life :)

Take care of yourself,

Steve
 
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