Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Heya! My name is James, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm 19 and I've had SAD since I was about 11 or 12 and at the time I had no idea what was wrong with me. I went from a skinny, tanned kid to a slightly chubby, pale kid with no feelings of being self-conscious or shy, until I went back to school.

When I was around 8 or so I had a few problems with other problem students in elementary, but back then I wasn't popular or unpopular and I felt good about myself and never felt shy at all. I did come into conflict with a few bad kids and eventually was pulled out of public school (I agreed with this at the time as a thought it would be easier, and like summer vacation all the time, I was wrong). While in home school I lost my friends first and then my first girlfriend as I grew slowly apart from everyone I knew outside of immediate family.

By the time I was 11ish I felt too secluded, I wanted to get out and be with other people. My parents put me into an art class and that's when I first started to feel closed and in a shell around other kids. I wanted more involvement outside of home so I was eventually moved to a private school, it was horrible. The kids were just at the age where they were starting to be little ****s, and I was their target some of the time. I started to get friends, but I still felt different and distant from everyone else. When friends weren't around during lunch I'd sit by myself and pretty much became a great/easy target to bully. It really wasn't too bad, but it just reinforced my already rapidly developing social anxiety.

I stayed with that school until freshmen year which is when I decided to go back to public school, the first day got me really anxious as I wasn't sure what to expect and I came to find out the kids were more accepting and generally nicer at first, but I still felt anxious all the time, just as I did before. I never had any real bullying problems in high school, except for a few cases, and I tried to never stand out enough to give someone a potential target. I never approached anyone to talk to and never felt comfortable sitting in class or in the cafeteria. I ended up skipping a lot or calling in sick. I would take a restroom break almost every class to try and get some fresh air and calm down. I was on the verge of a panic attack more than once.

When I reached my junior year I had lunch hours where I knew noone and had been assigned a few classes in which I could barely stand it, everyday I felt like a trapped animal in a "fight or flight" type of feeling. My heart was constantly racing and I became really depressed. I regretted every lunch hour the most as I became one of the few students to be by themselves all lunch, what made it worse was a new rule made it so that we weren't allowed to go outside and walk around anymore, so I was trapped in crowded rooms trying to not stand out and trying to make it through. After two months of that year I had had enough, all of my sick days were gone and I could no longer skip school to avoid feeling that way. I dropped out and ended up getting my high school diploma through an alternative route. I was planning on going to college, and then university at the age of 17 or maybe 18 and get a quick start on my life. But I never wanted to feel that way again, I thought that in a year I could over come it and maybe have a much better and normal experience with college. Weeks became months, and months became years and now I'm where I am today. I know more about why I am the way I am and I no longer feel as depressed or suicidal as I felt sometimes in high school, but now I feel that my youth is escaping me and life is passing me by. I'm almost 20 and I'm still at home, living the life of a recluse when I'm not that way at all.

Also, throughout both junior high and high school I made horrible grades, due to me never being there enough to learn and because when I was there I was too anxious to listen or do anything else other than worry about if my anxious shaking/breathing or whatever else would be obvious. If people knew I had an anxiety disorder (I didn't call it that back then, I didn't even know why I felt this way. I felt 'broken'.) it would bring attention to me and make it a lot worse.

I told myself years ago I would stop feeling this way, I'd feel normal and be able to get over this. I'll probably tell myself this again in a few years. Another thing is when I'm out in public, I either look disinterested, pissed off, or sometimes sad. I never come off as anxious or uncomfortable which if I did would probably only bring attention to me and make me even more anxious, but I also seem unapproachable, which is another reason I had so few friends.


Anyways, sorry to rant, I've just finally decided to at least try and talk about this with people who can either relate to me or at least understand, most of my family and friends don't, the rest don't even know (surprisingly).

Summary: I was fine growing up, then I was home schooled during a sensitive social development period in my life and by doing that probably screwed myself for the next couple of decades, or until I get over this. I went through hell in junior high and high school without going into too much detail, and am now still very anxious about social situations at 19 while falling in and out of depression and being on the verge of or actually having panic attacks.




I also want to add, I have yet to seek help or tell many people outside of the few who have felt hurt that I keep turning them down on lunches/dinners, hanging out, or just seeing each other. I'm not able to pay for a psychiatrist myself as I have no job, nor will my parents for differing reasons, but I do have family that would help if I asked, I just don't want to yet, but I seem to have no other choice. I also don't want to be looked down upon or pitied for whats classified as a mental disorder so I'm still afraid of telling my family, I think they think I'm just a bum or not taking life seriously for now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
177,223 Posts
Hey James, welcome to :sas
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
38,431 Posts
:wel James. I'm Karl.
 

·
:/
Joined
·
957 Posts
Hi James. Yep, I usually hated lunch time too. In middle school, I liked it when the school sometimes made us sit with our homeroom classes since I felt more comfortable talking when we had to sit together. I hate talking about my anxiety problems with my family too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154,235 Posts
Welcome, MyNameIsJames! :)
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top