I've always had SAD..but somehow it wasn't a big deal strangely because I was molested when I was 11. I was deeply depressed and suicidal. SAD wasn't even an issue because the flash backs and all kind of suicidal thoughts from the molestation was more problematic. I pretended like I don't even have social anxiety when I had to be around others and nobody knew. I have a beautiful 8 years old daughter. and two year after she was born a therapist helped me with my depression(from the sexual abuse). I started to work regularly then. I opened my own business. I could only work two weeks out of the months, because of SAD..but I was ok with it, because at least I didn't feel like stabbing myself in the face at every waking moments anymore.Three years ago I was raped by my ex. I didn't press charges. He begged me not to, I was easily manipulated and SAD make it too much of an ordeal to deal with all kind of new people. I didn't realize how much the rape effected me because I just did a lot of drugs afterward just to forget it all. But..apparently it did a lot, it actually made SAD even worse. We had to move from my home 2 years ago, because he also stalked. It was very hard to be in a new place, n forced to live close to everybody. I've pretty much lost all my old support system. People think you don't like them when you can't force yourself to hang out anymore, or pick up the phone, or even look at them to say hello. I've been told that I turn my nose up n think I'm too good to be there(I wish that was the problem, I would be so much happier if im just *****y instead of just unable to look at people in the face longer than 15 seconds). Now I can't even go to the market unless it's the middle of the night. I feel alone. Like nobody really cares or could understand. Now that my SAD is worst than ever I can't make any new friends. Every time I talked to my parents on the phone I cried. They think I'm just determined to be non functioning, and refusing to get my act together. I turn out to be just a useless burden. I'm totally broke and I had to tell my daughter that last year Christmas's going to be different, because I'm broke, and all those gifts she used to get from Santa was actually from me(I didn't want her to think she was a bad girl last year). I kept on apologizing to my little girl for who I am now and the life we're living(I used to force myself to socialize for her, I can't do that anymore). I'm afraid of people and I hate it. I wish the friggin SAD would just go away. I'm tired of being depressed and having people upset at me at the same time(classmates, neighbors, old friends, people I have to work with). I can't tell them what I have because I feel like I'm crazy when I have to explain to them what it is. I've been living off my saving for the pass 2 years. I need to get back to work and I thought I was ready to but another bad sht just happened after the new year. Now I cried at the most inconvenient time, for no good friggin reason.I avoid EVERYBODY completely. I've been told by an exboyfriend whom had known me for over ten years that "There's a different between can't and won't". I just wanted to yell at him, and tell him that I really CAN NOT help it. But ofcause real thoughts and words are very hard for me to say at the moment. I feel so depressed and useless. n im just so sick of being this way and tired of watching my life falling apart piece by piece. Not that it was wonderful to begin with, but at least there were hope still. I hate the way I live now. The worst thing is I can't even force myself to be normal just for a moment even for my little girl. I just want to feel positive and happy for a minute.