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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’m 27 from GA. I believe I have social anxiety because when I’m in an uncomfortable social setting, this intense feeling of just wanting to explode builds up. I just HAVE TO GET AWAY. If I’m at work, I’m perfectly fine at making friends and joking around. But as soon as I’m in a social setting, I freeze. It doesn’t matter if it’s family or friends. Being around strangers in a public setting like amusement parks or movie theaters doesn’t bother me as long as I’m with someone I know. But in a social setting it’s the complete opposite. I feel like I’m typing too much in this intro so will someone please respond with some insight or suggestions. I must mention that if I drink a little I get super social. But I don’t want to rely on that because I don’t like the taste of alcohol plus I’m pregnant 🤷🏽‍♀️. The person when I drink is the person I want to be sober.
 

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I don’t have any good advice (I’ve given up on becoming Social myself and have just accepted the fact that I am an anti-social jerk), but I can say welcome and also I relate to some of the things you say here. For instance, when I’m talking to people in a small group... well I’m not talking... I just wait for the torture to be over and then get away as soon as possible.

I would suggest that you consider whether being antisocial is the worst thing in the world... I mean why not just accept who you are rather than fight it? I feel less miserable now that I am not constantly trying to change my identity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I don’t have any good advice (I’ve given up on becoming Social myself and have just accepted the fact that I am an anti-social jerk), but I can say welcome and also I relate to some of the things you say here. For instance, when I’m talking to people in a small group... well I’m not talking... I just wait for the torture to be over and then get away as soon as possible.

I would suggest that you consider whether being antisocial is the worst thing in the world... I mean why not just accept who you are rather than fight it? I feel less miserable now that I am not constantly trying to change my identity.
I’m the same way in small groups. I just pretty much listen. But I don’t want it to interfere with my relationship and how I raise my baby. My fiancé is great around my family and friends (don’t have many) but I’m awkward around his. He’s really good with people and I’m the opposite. I’m just there playing on my phone and this was a problem in my last relationship. He’s not going to break up with me over it but I hate that he can be so comfortable around who I’m hanging with but when he’s chilling with his friends, I’m just there. He tries to help me interact but it’s no use if I can’t force myself. Being antisocial isn’t the worst but I want my baby to grow up confident enough to make friends.
 

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Hmm, if the main concern is raising your child to be social... then that becomes a very different issue in my opinion. I don’t know the answers to how to raise your child, but I think that you should simply ask about that directly, if that’s what truly concerns you.
 

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I’m the same way in small groups. I just pretty much listen. But I don’t want it to interfere with my relationship and how I raise my baby. My fiancé is great around my family and friends (don’t have many) but I’m awkward around his. He’s really good with people and I’m the opposite. I’m just there playing on my phone and this was a problem in my last relationship. He’s not going to break up with me over it but I hate that he can be so comfortable around who I’m hanging with but when he’s chilling with his friends, I’m just there. He tries to help me interact but it’s no use if I can’t force myself. Being antisocial isn’t the worst but I want my baby to grow up confident enough to make friends.
Like @Sainnot, I also wouldn't be too sure of how your social situation would affect the raising of your baby, though I do agree with you on not wanting alcohol to be a solution, particularly during pregnancy. Feel free to advise us - personally I didn't think you typed anywhere near "too much" so far.

So with the example of your husband and his friends, what does he attempt to do in order to "help" you? And what's the context in which you are there with his friends? Something is telling me these are more his friends, rather than these being mutual friends, but I could be wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Like @Sainnot, I also wouldn't be too sure of how your social situation would affect the raising of your baby, though I do agree with you on not wanting alcohol to be a solution, particularly during pregnancy. Feel free to advise us - personally I didn't think you typed anywhere near "too much" so far.

So with the example of your husband and his friends, what does he attempt to do in order to "help" you? And what's the context in which you are there with his friends? Something is telling me these are more his friends, rather than these being mutual friends, but I could be wrong.
Well, about the friends situation, they aren’t mutual friends YET. I’m hoping I can knock my wall down to get to know them. He has mostly female friends. I was aware of that prior to getting with him. And we have good trust with each other. It’s one friend in particular he chills with sometimes but it’s more so because she has 5 kids and he loves them. They’ve been friends forever wayyyyy before me. He just tries to include me in conversations but he knows how hard it is for me. He doesn’t necessarily force it on me to interact. I feel so bad because I feel weird and constantly thinking “whats wrong with me or why can’t I be normal?” But as far as drinking, I really don’t care to do it. But if my friends are having game night or a lil get together I do feel more relaxed and comfortable when I do drink. But like the other person said, I should just embrace it and I’m sure my child will be just fine. I just need to give her a better childhood than I had.
 

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Well, about the friends situation, they aren’t mutual friends YET. I’m hoping I can knock my wall down to get to know them. He has mostly female friends. I was aware of that prior to getting with him. And we have good trust with each other. It’s one friend in particular he chills with sometimes but it’s more so because she has 5 kids and he loves them. They’ve been friends forever wayyyyy before me. He just tries to include me in conversations but he knows how hard it is for me. He doesn’t necessarily force it on me to interact. I feel so bad because I feel weird and constantly thinking “whats wrong with me or why can’t I be normal?” But as far as drinking, I really don’t care to do it. But if my friends are having game night or a lil get together I do feel more relaxed and comfortable when I do drink. But like the other person said, I should just embrace it and I’m sure my child will be just fine. I just need to give her a better childhood than I had.
Thanks for sharing.

As you say, I'm sure child will do fine, considering she'll be in a very loving family who'll raise her into a fine young woman.

With your socialising - it’s good that your husband doesn’t force you. Nevertheless, if bringing you into these gatherings then of all people, he arguably bears a lot of responsibility for ensuring you are blending in comfortably. You may feel this is your fault but even after setting aside your social anxiety, there are already many factors that may already make it difficult for anyone in your position to comfortably fit in. In these circumstances, the mutual person (i.e. your husband) plays the “host”. This is especially important if one person is less familiar and also has social anxiety.

Still – there are things you can do to help yourself, and even your husband can support here too. I’m guessing you want to be their mutual friend because you personally find them interesting (and not just because you want to make things less awkward). But indeed this may help you improve your socialising skills in other areas.

Thinking of what I might do, I’ve summarised some tips/ techniques below (in no particular order):
  1. When listening, being engaged, attentive… and curious. Seldomly do people disclose all the details without further prompting, and so there’s opportunities to ask questions.
  2. When responding to question, being slightly extensive in your responses, and perhaps including additional factors rather than giving a straight, direct answer.
  3. Removing your phone (e.g. leaving at home, giving to the husband, switching it off etc).
  4. Pre-planning some easy go-to topics/ questions/ stories.
  5. Observing any reoccurring topics/ habits that occur during these conversations.
  6. Exploring opportunities/ hobbies, outside of your husband’s social circle (understandably tricky when already handling pregnancy/ motherhood, social anxiety, and this current pandemic)
Hopefully, you may find these useful. These are heavily summarised as I don’t want to throw in too much detail immediately. If there are any particular ones that you (or anyone else) want to ask me more about, then please let me know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for sharing.

As you say, I'm sure child will do fine, considering she'll be in a very loving family who'll raise her into a fine young woman.

With your socialising - it’s good that your husband doesn’t force you. Nevertheless, if bringing you into these gatherings then of all people, he arguably bears a lot of responsibility for ensuring you are blending in comfortably. You may feel this is your fault but even after setting aside your social anxiety, there are already many factors that may already make it difficult for anyone in your position to comfortably fit in. In these circumstances, the mutual person (i.e. your husband) plays the “host”. This is especially important if one person is less familiar and also has social anxiety.

Still – there are things you can do to help yourself, and even your husband can support here too. I’m guessing you want to be their mutual friend because you personally find them interesting (and not just because you want to make things less awkward). But indeed this may help you improve your socialising skills in other areas.

Thinking of what I might do, I’ve summarised some tips/ techniques below (in no particular order):
  1. When listening, being engaged, attentive… and curious. Seldomly do people disclose all the details without further prompting, and so there’s opportunities to ask questions.
  2. When responding to question, being slightly extensive in your responses, and perhaps including additional factors rather than giving a straight, direct answer.
  3. Removing your phone (e.g. leaving at home, giving to the husband, switching it off etc).
  4. Pre-planning some easy go-to topics/ questions/ stories.
  5. Observing any reoccurring topics/ habits that occur during these conversations.
  6. Exploring opportunities/ hobbies, outside of your husband’s social circle (understandably tricky when already handling pregnancy/ motherhood, social anxiety, and this current pandemic)
Hopefully, you may find these useful. These are heavily summarised as I don’t want to throw in too much detail immediately. If there are any particular ones that you (or anyone else) want to ask me more about, then please let me know.
Thank you so much for your response. Those are good tips when put to use but I’m not sure if I can do it. I always leave the stressful situation and cry to myself for being such a failure. I make efforts by going, but I don’t last long. 😞 As far as why I want to be friends with them is mainly to get rid of the awkwardness. And so it doesn’t feel weird if we go visit my sister or people I know. I kinda guess it’s a guilt feeling. I want to be comfortable around his people as he is around mine. I feel bad about struggling with that. It really ruins the day (for me). I know of a few hobbies I enjoy I guess. I like baking but my current situation makes me uncomfortable. We’re staying with his mom and brothers. I’m used to being on my own but recent circumstances drastically changed that. I’m not comfortable here. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells here so that’s kind of out of the question. I like planting flowers and hope to expand to other things. I could but maybe later. I (used to and sometimes still) enjoy playing my PlayStation. Not peaking my interest lately. I guess that’s about it. So since September of last year my life has been constantly changing and changing. I don’t feel secure or at peace and I think that’s making the situation worse. I was also never at peace prior to then. I was actually seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. Taking 5 different meds. Life just hasn’t been it for me. I need a best friend but I thought I had one then she disappeared without a word so I have trust issues and have a wall up. (I’ve since contacted her but it will never be the same) I just want a best friend like the kind you see on tv. Or not even a best friend but just to be able to comfortably make friends. I’m going to stop here lol. I feel like I’m rambling. But thank you so much on your input and the other people’s inputs. I will try to incorporate the tips in my life but it’s easier said than done.
 

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Thank you so much for your response. Those are good tips when put to use but I’m not sure if I can do it. I always leave the stressful situation and cry to myself for being such a failure. I make efforts by going, but I don’t last long. 😞 As far as why I want to be friends with them is mainly to get rid of the awkwardness. And so it doesn’t feel weird if we go visit my sister or people I know. I kinda guess it’s a guilt feeling. I want to be comfortable around his people as he is around mine. I feel bad about struggling with that. It really ruins the day (for me). I know of a few hobbies I enjoy I guess. I like baking but my current situation makes me uncomfortable. We’re staying with his mom and brothers. I’m used to being on my own but recent circumstances drastically changed that. I’m not comfortable here. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells here so that’s kind of out of the question. I like planting flowers and hope to expand to other things. I could but maybe later. I (used to and sometimes still) enjoy playing my PlayStation. Not peaking my interest lately. I guess that’s about it. So since September of last year my life has been constantly changing and changing. I don’t feel secure or at peace and I think that’s making the situation worse. I was also never at peace prior to then. I was actually seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. Taking 5 different meds. Life just hasn’t been it for me. I need a best friend but I thought I had one then she disappeared without a word so I have trust issues and have a wall up. (I’ve since contacted her but it will never be the same) I just want a best friend like the kind you see on tv. Or not even a best friend but just to be able to comfortably make friends. I’m going to stop here lol. I feel like I’m rambling. But thank you so much on your input and the other people’s inputs. I will try to incorporate the tips in my life but it’s easier said than done.
Thanks again.

Well, there’s quite a few talking points here, and we could probably go on all day. But I also want to be respectful of your time.

If there’s any takeaway to get from this is that the potential for increasing the enjoyment of your interactions is certainly there. It’s also important to remind ourselves that the friends scenario you see on TV is purposely catered in order to appeal to the viewer. For that reason, it may not be a good idea to compare yourself to this scenario, but to instead “work on what you can work on” i.e. to increase your chances of befriending these people or others. The positivity you attain from these areas also tends to make its way into other areas of life including those you’ve mentioned.

Well, the tips I gave above were actually intentionally brief light summaries, as as I wasn’t sure that the latter would have been welcomed. Your posts did make me feel these were achievable for yourself and so if you do want more details and clarity for you and your husband to follow, then please let me know. Alternatively, you can ask the forum on the threads – as you may encounter someone with a similar experience.

But otherwise – I wish the best for you and your family. And thank you for sharing your experience.
 
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