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Hi I'm new here. I'm only 15 years old but I've been dealing with social anxiety for as long as I can remember (which, well isn't that very long I guess lol). I'm in high school and that is where my social anxiety affects me the most.

I don't even know where to begin. First of all I am not even positive on the problems that I have. I don't know whether I have social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, OCD, a combination of all three (if that's even possible), something entirely different or even something entirely different ON TOP of OCD/social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder. That is how unclear I am of my problems. It's not like I haven't done research, it's just that I have many of the symptoms of those three problems (but not all) and those three problems have some similarities as it is. Not to mention I'm not aware of any other similar disorders. So I'm just gonna list off my problems that may or may not be attributed to social anxiety/OCD/etc. because I fully believe that problems like this are related to both genetic and social problems. First off I'll tackle my hardest problem to state which is sexual addiction. I am deeply ashamed to say that but I have a sexual addiction. It started when I was only 7 and it still happens today. I haven't masturbated in 4 days which is an achievement for me. I have always hidden it and my parents, siblings, etc. don't have a clue that I do it (nor are they very aware of my social anxiety problems). I hid it very well when I was little and I believe that the repetition of the various things I did (which are paranoia-like routines) affect me today but more subconsciously now. I have this thing where I constantly look everywhere because I have to fulfill some sense of normalcy. A good example of this would be trying to watch the TV and out of the corner of my eye I see the clock and the sliding glass backdoor. I HAVE to look at that clock and that sliding glass door. It's like an urge I have to fulfill to go back to a default state. I think it's probably related to my OCD which I am positive I have. It's almost as if it's a form of inanimate social anxiety too. Like I feel like that clock is looking at me (lmfao I find that so hilarious). Besides that though I constantly argue and fight with my parents. At home I am also very mean and I honestly don't try to be. I just overreact to various situations. I have daddy issues and I'm constantly arguing with him and repetition with that might subconsciously cause me to be mean to the rest of my family. Hmmm... what's next. Oh yeah, I've never talked to my parents about social anxiety. They are completely unaware of my problems at school. My sister and cousin go to the same school and I have cleverly hidden my problems from them as well. My parents (more specifically my dad) are the type of people who don't take things like that seriously. They are the type of people who look at those commercials about depression and waiver it off as stupid. They say depression isn't real, it's just being bummed out. They are the type of people that if I do something different or say something different they reply with hostility or in a way that makes it incredibly awkward. I will probably NEVER be able to tell my parents about it and suggest medication. I can see my dad laughing hysterically at the idea right now. My perception of everything is pretty much screwed up as it is so I could possibly perceive my parents to be more that way than they actually are (I could possibly be taken aback if I were to suggest something like that and they agree) but in reality I know they are like that. I know them but I just don't know where my problems begin and end as far as that's concerned. More problems at home lie with my OCD. At home and only home I need to be clean. Oddly enough though I am not motivated to do all the cleaning. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and it'll just drive me bonkers and I have to clean. I will wake up sometimes and immediately clean. We own a house now that we are getting rid of soon and my father never did yard-work so our backyard and front yard look mostly like crap. I've caught myself several several times just staring at our backyard because of how bad it looks. It makes me feel dirty. So at home I always have this feeling of being unclean and therefore I take many showers and I wash my hands constantly. This overall gives me a sort of depressive mood. I'm generally not happy at home. When I am happy I am extremely hyper and I just feel abnormal. So to wrap up Home: 1. General depressive mood 2. OCD. Need to clean. Must be clean. Yet not motivated to do so 3. Odd eye movement and trying to fulfill the sense of normalcy 4. Parent issues. Not being able to state my mind ever. I have to make a joke about everything even though I wish I could just be serious

Phew! That's not even all of it! Next up is school. School is absolutely positively horrible for me. I notice that it affects me with the people that I'm around or the environment I'm in. My World Studies class usually goes smoothly. I sit in the top left corner of the classroom with everyone to the right of me. I sit next to the exit door. The books that we frequently use are right in front of me, thank God. My problems in that class usually involve looking at others, concentrating on the teacher, and getting up to get the books which are pretty much right in front of me. It's nothing compared to my other classes. My hardest class I'd say is Alg. 2. I requested a move to the back (in which I had a mini mental breakdown confessing my OCD/social anxiety/ etc. for the first time ever) and now I do much better in that class. I used to sit in the front of the class with everyone behind me and oh it was awful. A very common symptom of social disorders involve the feeling that everyone is staring intently at you and it was in full force in that class. My biggest fears were grabbing papers being passed out to the right of me and having to get up and avoid the crammed together desks to pass the papers to the person left of me. I couldn't stand it. I also had a problem with just doing things like opening my binder for the fear that my papers would fall out. I dropped my calculator three times on the ground when it was dead silent. Three times. Now that I sit in the back and next to a very weird kid I'm much more comfortable. Although I cannot imagine having to go up to the front of that very same classroom which I horribly struggled with to get a tissue and having to look back at the entire classroom as I trudge my way back to my desk. I haven't done that since I moved to the back of the classroom. In every case I have done this I have always looked at the ground and avoided eye contact (or any contact in general). My PE class is pretty easy because exercise relieves social anxiety greatly. Although I can never be myself in any class or around any people at school. The closest I've been to normal at school is with my two best friends. But even around them I cannot fully be myself. Thankfully I've learned to cope with my other classes better but I still sometimes find myself at my worst in all of my classes at some point. My spanish class is pretty good even though there is this girl I've been wanting to talk to in it. I've had to go up twice to speak in front of the class and miraculously I didn't do a bad job. I'm gonna have to go again soon. The problems in that class lie with the teacher I have who is one of those people who will prolong or perpetuate awkward moments. He will ask us what we are going to do today and we have to answer in spanish. Students will do the thing where they slowly say things, make pauses as if to cue the teacher for help and he will not help. He will let you make a fool of yourself for at least 1 minute before he says anything (lol it's weird how I find that so funny). So when he is looking for a victim or the first person to go up and do a speech that is really when the anxiety kicks in in that class. I managed to do my first two speeches because I was able to put myself in a state where I didn't think about doing the speech but I wasn't completely unaware of the idea either and somehow I just went up and did it without the thought of risk coming to my mind. I don't know how I did that but I did. I'm just thinking about that now and it's amazing how that class is easy for me when on pen and paper it sounds like anxiety hell. The pretty girl that I have crush on sits in the opposite vertical row of me so I can easily look at her and she can look at me, the teacher makes the worst out of awkward situations, and I have to do speeches every quarter. Weird. My other classes are OK. I just have the usual problems like walking in front of the class to turn in a paper, not looking at people, sometimes talking, etc. etc. in a lesser degree. I also notice that I will mirror personalities sometimes. I will subconsciously mirror the person that I'm talking because I fear that I will be rejected. Like I have friend who is abnormal and who goes against the grain so I have to be careful what I say around him because I have this irrational thought of rejection. To avoid that I simply and subconsciously mirror their personality.
 

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I feel like I have to keep tabs on my reputation and how everyone sees me. Some people see me a the shy kid, others see me as the weird kid, and some see me as the smart kid. I kind of keep up those impressions rather than trying to be myself. I came to real close to dating a girl (which I have never done before) and I realized I said some stupid things so now I feel like I can't talk to her again. I feel like I ruined my reputation with her. As far as my confidence goes. Well I don't much of that. I have good genes but I don't know if I'm good looking or not. I'm a teenager so I'm still growing and I'm worried whether my features will improve over the year. Probably every average looking guy is clueless as far as their looks go but my anxiety doesn't help. Last year the first thing I would do during lunch is go to a bathroom with a mirror in it and try and tell myself I look good. I told myself I wouldn't do that anymore because it wasn't helping so I don't do that much anymore. Sometimes I take pictures of myself from different angles because I feel I look so weird. I'm too skinny, my face is too long, my nose is too big, etc. etc. I know lots of people deal with that but yeah like I said, social disorders don't help. I don't feel like reviewing school problems. I have already typed waaay too much.

Finally it comes to down to other social environments like going to a restaurant, going to the mall, hanging out with friends, etc. etc. Going to a restaurant used to be great for me. I'd go with family and friends and I would be very funny and very outgoing. Recently a couple of the problems I have at school have crossed over into that environment. I'm not outgoing like I used to be. Now I just sit there and be quiet. Going to the mall used to be easy but now I fear it with parents in case I see kids from school there and I fear going with a friend because it's no different than school in my eyes. Hanging out at my two best friends houses is the probably the most normal I EVER am. I feel so confident and so normal at their houses. I also went to the movies with my best friend recently and I did extremely great. I love movies though so that might have helped. The thing with movies though, is that I genuinely love them with a passion (I want to be a director or writer when I grow up) but I also watch them excessively because it makes me feel normal and it's a way to escape reality. If I didn't have SA then I'd still watch them a lot. Just not as much but the fact that my need to escape reality and my yearning for normalcy crosses over in the thing I love the most sucks.

I don't expect anybody to read this and I honestly feel embarrassed to post this but it was great to get it off my shoulders. I'm only posting this now because if I don't then it was only a temporary thing. I'll try and bring myself to read any comments. Thanks. I hope all of you can find a way to cope with too.
 

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Hi, welcome to the site.

It does sound like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety in your life. It's good that you are still young and are very aware of how
your condition effects you. I didn't know anything was wrong when I was in high-school even though I was miserable.

Thinking a lot about sex at your age is very normal. One thing I do when I'm feeling stressed out is just to take deep breathes. Focus only on breathing. It helps clear your mind for a little bit. You might want to try Yoga. I find that to be very relaxing.

Since your parents don't seem to take your mental health too seriously, I think it would be good if you speak with your school counselor or nurse. You could just write a note to them explaining your problem or print out parts of what you've written here that deal with your anxiety. That's what I'd do. I know it will be hard to do.. telling someone is really hard.
 

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Hey KPK welcome. :)
 

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Welcome, KPK! :)
 

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Thanks everyone! It still feels odd talking about it but I think it'll get easier!
 

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Hi, welcome to the site.

It does sound like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety in your life. It's good that you are still young and are very aware of how
your condition effects you. I didn't know anything was wrong when I was in high-school even though I was miserable.

Thinking a lot about sex at your age is very normal. One thing I do when I'm feeling stressed out is just to take deep breathes. Focus only on breathing. It helps clear your mind for a little bit. You might want to try Yoga. I find that to be very relaxing.

Since your parents don't seem to take your mental health too seriously, I think it would be good if you speak with your school counselor or nurse. You could just write a note to them explaining your problem or print out parts of what you've written here that deal with your anxiety. That's what I'd do. I know it will be hard to do.. telling someone is really hard.
Yeah I actually began realizing my problems back in September when school started. I had most of the same problems freshman year and middle school but I thought it was just my personality. I came across an OCD article back when school started last year and I was shocked to see how much of those symptoms I had! Then I came across a social anxiety article and bingo that's me. Since then I've read up more on it and I have experimented with ways of coping during school and such. I've always started to observe more.
 

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Hello and welcome!

You don't sound too different from myself when I was 15, just more OCD and impressively self aware.

I don't think "sexual addiction" is any different from "being a properly functioning human", personally. Your body is telling you to spread your seed as much as you can, and you're still learning to cope with it. Unless you can't leave your house because you can't go more than half an hour without touching yourself, I doubt there's anything abnormal going on.

You do definitely sound OCD. I'm only mildly OCD (and improving), but I've always had my strange strange habits...things that just have to happen. If they don't, it's nearly physically painful. For example, I played baseball when I was a kid. I also had a wooden dresser. Now, I kept my baseball pants in this dresser, which often caused a problem for me. If the cloth of my pants scracthed the edge of the dresser drawer, I needed to rub the cloth where it had rubbed. While my problem may be different, I understand how frustrating it can be (and it's definitely not just your imagination).

As far as your family goes, I can't offer much advice. Perhaps you could try getting them to set you up for an appointment with a therapist or psychologist for a condition they don't deny the existance of, and then explaining your situation to them? I've found having people to talk to can really help boost my confidence in myself, and help me form a better understanding of myself and my problems.

I know that school for me was an interesting experiment. My anxiety caused me to do a lot of crazy things, and I regret not doing more. My only advice would be to fight your problems as best you can. Try as hard as you can do to what you want to do, not just what your anxiety allows you to do. I know I definitely regret not talking with more girls, and it only gets harder and harder to meet people who you can relate to.

Anyways, I hope this website helps, and I hope you find improvement (as I am confident that someone as obviously smart as you will).
 

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welcome to the forum! sounds like you are very aware of your situation, and probably very aware of what you need to do to overcome it - that's a good start. This is a good place to get things out, lots of friendly people who understand.
 
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