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Hello everyone,

My name is Bash. Well, that's just a nickname. My real name is Basheer. But anyway, I thought it wouldn't be a terrible idea to sign up here, seeing as I have a long and distinguished history of social problems. Maybe I'll find the support I need in these forums. Hindsight also teaches me to be wary of such a hope, but nevertheless I try not to indulge in pessimism too much even if I have very little reason to think otherwise.

My problems are, to my way of thinking, very peculiar. In that I don't feel like I have a particularly difficult time talking to people once I get going (although it very much depends on who I'm talking to, as I tend to have disdain for a lot of people and when I do I tend not to care so much about what they might think and therefore speak more openly), but the hardest part of me is just that initial step of beginning or striking up a conversation. I'm so bad at it. So much so that as a result of this congenital problem, I have next to no friends. And what few I do have I currently only speak to online. And even then it's mostly entirely through e-mail, the frequency of which is scant. In person there isn't anyone I can turn to outside of my immediate family.

I sometimes go weeks or months without conversing with anyone who isn't a family member, even online. It seems to be getting worse with age. Correspondence is cumulatively becoming more intermittent. And as a result my introversion has reached epic heights of lonliness and self-ostracising, and I've therefore made myself into a pariah of sorts.

I think it tends to be worse when I'm open with people, or when I speak without constructing much of a filter between what I think and what I say (which I do have quite a habit of doing), I think I tend to unconsciously push people away. In fact, I know I do. It's an organic repulsion, given the nature of my personality. I tend to have quite strong opinions and a rather rabid, enthusiastic demeanour which I think others find quite awkward. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to someone for the first time, either in person or online, only for me to never hear from them again thereafter. There's just something about the way I conduct myself that makes people not want to deal with me. I'm not quite sure what it is. Am I that much of a weirdo? It's hard for me to pinpoint that, seeing as the way I feel it is right to behave in front of others is all I have ever known, and because nobody has ever really bothered to give me feedback as to whether or not I'm being a dick.

But the way others run from me or lapse into silence after something I say does communicate a lot. And it's about time I took the hint. And also high time I faced up to the fact that I have a problem. I've known since I was a child that I've had issues, it's just that I've done remarkably little to attempt to address them and assail the situation with any real vigour.

So I don't really know where to go from here. I'm almost 22 and it's hard for me to visualise a future where I'm actually a likeable person who others feel they'd like to spend time with. Maybe it will someday happen. I know I'll have to work quite hard though if it ever will. For a long time I've been disposed to a brand of indolence whenever having to face up to problems.

So yeah. It would be nice to make a few friends here. I'll talk to anyone, really. Even if I have disagreements or quite significant personality differences, it doesn't really matter. I want to learn more about humanity, and I'm more than willing to converse with others who don't necessarily share my values or lifestyle. As long as you're nice, that's enough for me, really!

Thanks for listening!

Bash
 

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Hey Basheer welcome. :)
 

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Hi Bash :wel

Yeah the initial is hardest for me too.
Even after, I second guess myself & overanalyze. Sometimes I just go & try not to think about it as a way of dealing.

I feel you in having similar experience online of short lived interactions.

It seems a catch 22 of not speaking openly or saying enough to worrying about saying something wrong or to much.

One of my struggles has always been in finding that magic middle ground in all aspects of life.

Glad to meet you & best wishes on your journey.
 

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:wel
 

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Welcome, Bashman! :)
 
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