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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well its somehow comforting to know others have this problem. Social phobia has destroyed my life so far and just when I thought I had it under control its returned.
I first started having severe anxiety when I was around 16 and was moved to a mixed school. I remember worrying so much about things like how loud I was breathing, sweat trickling down my torso, swallowing every minute and each one seeming so loud, I also remember on occasion having a type of panic attack where I would lose control of my limbs, they would be frozen, and my chest beating so hard Im positive it was noticeable.
About 2 years ago I thought I had the flu(I am now 32), but now I think it was a mixture of a psychologically induced nervous breakdown brought on by contracting the cold sore virus HSV-1. I was back to college and was doing ok, still suffering extremes such as the chest beating heavily and turning red for no apparent reason, but coping and talking to people didnt bother me unless I found them either attractive, or a threat. So I was in class and it happened. Everytime the lecturer looked at me or my direction my neck seized up and I had a horrible feeling where I would have to look down immediately to stop the seizure. So I went to the pub and had some straight whiskeys which helped a little but only in dulling my awareness. I went to the doctor, he told me it wasnt a medical problem but more than likely a social phobia disorder. I felt ashamed and like I was a failure, finally shown up and branded.
I then did some psychotherapy for 5 or 6 months which helped a little but not by much. Anyway what seemed to help it was by participating more in conversations almost getting angry with myself for being a mouse and not confronting a social awkwardness situation.
So I was doing well I starte on a new course and was making friends and enjoying lectures. Then I went out drinking heavily, woke up the next morning I had wet the bed. I was late for an important talk and when I went to it I immediately dodged everyone and sat on my own down the back. When the speaker arrived I was fine for the first 5 mins and then the seizures began again everytime she looked my direction. Id get a horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach or around there and my neck would seize up and spasm and a feeling overcomes me which I would liken to a sudden dizziness/extreme motion sickness. The thing is, once the talk ended and I was in a one on one situation and standing talking with her I was fine. That was yesterday. Today it was a little bit less but still there. I am hoping I will return to the way I was before I went out drinking. It has now become apparent to me that I cannot drink as its depressive effects and motor control effects are going to make me kill myself some day (I have been contemplating suicide for over 15 years and have had major depressive periods). If any of you are interested in psychoanalysis I had an abusive upbringing, my cousin abused me sexually when I was 7, an ex-best friend abused me sexually when I was 15, and again another ex-best friend tried to rape me when I was 17 (all male). My father beat me until about 20 years old, usually for rage as I used to be mentally bullied by four sisters, and other times for bad school marks, "potentially embarassing him", and other messed up things. I am admittedly a highly strung neurotic which like depression, I have inherited from my father. He was a workaholic who would shower us with gifts at times but was mostly cold emotionally. I am no saint, I abused my little brother sexually when he was a child, I didnt know what I was doing honestly I feel so ashamed for it and pray he was too young to remember, we have a good relationship now, normal, but it kills me to think about it.
I think the basis of the problem is that the person looking at me will see through me and know about my problem and I'll be ruined socially and never go anywhere, which is of course complete rubbish and rumination over something that exists entirely in my own head. But how do I stop it :(

I really wish I could stop stressing the moment I wake up in the morning and go be the person I was supposed to be. Im sorry about the length of my post and hope to hear from you all.:blank
 

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Welcome to SAS!

You may want to create a new thread in a different section, break it up into paragraphs for easy reading, and you'll get some feedback from the other members here :).

However, I'm so sorry for what you've been through as it sounds like a really rough upbringing. I'm not sure what to tell you except that you said you've been to therapy and it helped a little, and you may want to try that again. Possibly some medication to help ease your anxiety and definitely stay away from alcohol. :squeeze
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi Melissa and Mind_games, well today I had to leave a lecture as the attacks reached boiling point, I couldnt move my head up and even with my eyes closed the feeling came and went in waves. Walking home as I waited to cross some traffic I saw an oncoming bus and thought hard about it.
Anyway, Melissa would you be able to suggest the right place to post my story and hopefully get some advice? :|
 

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I agree with Melissa75, how about giving therapy another go? And if that didn't work before perhaps add meds to the mix? Do you still feel ashamed about getting medical help for this? I hope you realise reading around here that it's not something to be ashamed about; we all have our problems. Often it takes more courage to go get help than let things be as they are and you've shown yourself that you have this courage because you've done it before (not to mention you going to college!).

Are the seizures triggered only when the lecturer looks in your direction? Maybe for now, just so you can get through lectures, avoid looking at the lecturer at all whenever possible. I'm not sure how practical that is in your particular situation though. Another option is to record the lecture on audio so that you can listen to it in a more relaxed setting by yourself. Leave the room if you have to but leave your recorder turned on so that you have a record of it.

Try the Coping with SA forum for advice/opinions:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/
 

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Hey Matthew88 welcome. :hyper
 

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Welcome, Matthew88! :)
 
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