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Okay, so I know that turning to the internet in order to check something isn’t really the best port of call. However, despite this, I guess I’m just looking for some advice. A friend of mine, who knows a fair bit about this stuff, said that I should speak to someone professional. A few other people have said the same, and even my parents have picked up on my habits.

I think things have gotten worse since I’ve been at university. Probably because I’m out of my comfort zone, but looking back, even beforehand I was always scared of things. I effectively fear everything. Well, maybe not everything. But I can’t do the things that normal people do. When I was younger, I couldn’t be alone. I had this intricate fear that I was going to be kidnapped and taken away from my parents. My school was just over the road from my house, yet I still made my mother walk me there every morning and pick me up afterwards. I was sleeping in my parent’s bed until I was about fourteen, and it wasn’t until I was seventeen (I’m 18 now) that I started sleeping with my bedroom door shut and all the lights off. (Even now, at my grandmother’s house, I have to have to door open and the landing light on.)

I’ve somehow managed to make a few friends at university. Yet, I never feel comfortable with them. I feel as if I’m just pestering them or if they’re putting up with me. When we’re all together, it’ll all get too much sometimes and I’ll leave half way through the night. I feel better when I’m on my own. When I’m with people, and I say things and they look at me, I have an awful time trying to read their faces. Usually I just decide that they’re annoyed at me. So I just kind of leave.

The other day in one of my lectures, I had to walk out because I was too embarrassed to cough in front of the class. I kept it in, until the point where my throat was burning and my eyes were watering, and it all got too much so I just burst out of the classroom. I would’ve not gone back, but my things were in there. Sometimes, if the people who sit next me have their phones go off, I’ll go bright red. It’s almost as if I’m an embarrass magnet for everyone I’m with. Even if I’m not involved. If the people I’m with say something to each other, that would otherwise humiliate them, they don’t go bright red or freak out. I do. It’s awful. A phone will go off, I will panic and go red, because people might think it’s mine.

I can’t even do my essays to the best of my ability because I’m scared of what my lecturer will think. If I really try at them, then they’ll know this, but if I try and don’t do well, then they’ll know this too and really I shouldn’t be doing a degree because I’m not very good at it. I’m just lucky. That’s how I got in, really. I’m too scared to try hard because of disappointment and people might see that I’m trying.

I joined this site because earlier I had, what I can only explain as, a mental freak out. I was on the phone to my mother about something, and all of a sudden I was in hysterics. I don’t quite know what came over me, but I was saying stuff that was so unlike me and it was all very not me. I was shaking, couldn’t breathe very well, and I have a rather sore neck now.

The other weekend, I broke down in the car when I came back to university. You see when I came to university, everyone thought that I couldn’t cope alone. So I never told them any of the problems I’ve faced. I don’t even know if I can call them problems. Perhaps I’m just a silly little emo child that needs to get over herself. Anyway, I broke down in the car. Then once they left, I got worse alone in my room. I was hyperventilating. I didn’t know what to do, I was just shaking and crying for about an hour.

It’s happened before. The worse it’s gotten was a few months ago, I was arguing with my mother. Then I just went mental. I was pulling at my hair, screaming, and generally losing control. My dad had to take me away to my grandmothers to cool down.

I used to lock myself in my room for days on end when I was at school, because I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t bear to face people. My teacher was rather horrible to me a few years back, and, well, it got so bad I was banging my head against the wall so I would have a headache and not have to go in. This resulted in a lot of things. My attendance dropped. My confidence dropped. I then developed a caffeine addiction. I was having so much that I’d often walk into school shaking and I couldn’t concentrate to save my life. I was just out of it. I managed to pass that year though, so they let me into the last year of Alevel. Which was better, but still bad.
Somehow I passed that and got into university.

But yeah.
I don’t know. Am I just being an emo?
Or should I talk to someone?

I don’t understand how people deal with this.
 

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Welcome, LookingAtStars! :)
 

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At the top of your screen click on Social Anxiety Disorder, then on the drop down menu, click on Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale. Take the quiz and find out how bad your social anxiety is. This will help determine if you need help.
 

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Hey Caroline, welcome to :sas
 

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I read your story, and you don't like a "silly little emo child." I feel terrible for you, because it's like you're a slave to your fears. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I don't know if you should talk to someone (I talked to a psychologist for a year, and it didn't help me), or seek medication, or do something else, but I definitely think you should strive to do something about your fears. Welcome to SAS, by the way, and best of luck. :)
 

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Hey, here's my advice: take action, do something, keep moving (if only in reading about stuff). Specifically what you can do:
1) seek a therapist - of course it's not a guarantee this will help, but is surely can (plus you can see a number of therapists if you don't like the first one, I used to do it myself).
2) talk to people and be with them, although don't have expectations they will necessarily understand your situation.
3) myself, I found it very useful to practice zen/meditation. When I used to have soxial anxiety, I hadn't yet discovered zen, but I'm pretty sure it would have helped me a lot.
 

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youre not just emo child!

Hi there! I understand wanting to hide and not letting others see you in THAT state. I know feeling like a burden on others just because life doesnt just roll off your back like it does for others. I also feel trapped by my fears many days. The suggestion to take action is wise. We are here to support u in those steps. I can commit to you that i will work tomorrow to feel satisfied with whatever i accomplish at work and to not feel like a total weirdo when i go grocery shopping tomorrow and want to give someone a coupon that i see they could use...what will you do?
 
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